Today our sweet girl would have turned 4. The last four years have flown by and gone in slow motion all at the same time. It's hard to imagine what the dynamic of our household would be with a 4 year old girl in it. I'm sure we'd be into the Frozen themed everything phase and lots of pink and purple. Instead we are driving tractors, throwing stuff, and getting super dirty around here. And as much as I'd love to do the girlie stuff, I'm really happy with the way our lives are evolving. But we still do miss our girl.
This has been a day of much reflection for me. I have thought about all of the moments of her birth and the hours that followed. We are already past the time today when she took her last breaths in our arms. 12 hours and 23 minutes on Earth is just not enough time to do or say everything you want to with someone you love. I've had many moments over the last 4 years where I think back on this day and there are so many things I would have done differently. I try not to get caught up in those thoughts because I can't do anything to change that day. But there were some absolutely perfect minutes on October 7, 2010, even though we knew in our hearts the outcome was going to be what we had hoped and dreamed it would be.
As many of you know, each year we choose something to do for others around us. This year we chose to donate craft supplies and toys to St. Jude's in Peoria. I knew that we'd have friends and family who would want to pitch in to remember Braelyn and help others...but I can honestly say that I'm blown away beyond belief at what WE ALL accomplished. Matt, the boys and I drove to Peoria today with a car full of about $1,000 worth of stuff. What an amazing amazing feeling. I was so proud to be trusted with your money and things you bought and thrilled to gift them to St. Jude's. We could not have fit one more item in our car today! Our car looked like we were moving and each of the boys had tons of stuff stacked around them. I did communicate ahead of time with the Child Life Specialist that we had a TON of stuff to bring...but by seeing the look on her face I don't think she realized just how much I meant. It took 4 wagon loads, several arm fulls, and a fully packed wheelchair to get it all inside to the clinic. They were so appreciative you guys!
After dropping the stuff off at the clinic, my boys and I headed to McDonald's (or Mickey Donalds as Cole refers to it) to get some pancakes and then on to the CAT Visitor Center to play on some tractors and burn off some energy. It was a really nice day to spend time together. Tonight we plan to eat some ice cream (Cole has requested blue ice cream...yuck) and talk more about Braelyn.
This year has been bittersweet because Cole is starting to talk about Braelyn. I want him to know that he has a sister and I want to show him that because of her we know we can push ourselves to be better people all the time. He talks about how Braelyn was a tiny baby and how he would hold her and not drop her. He talks about how she lives in the clouds/heaven/with Jesus. If you ask him if he has a sister he will loudly tell you yes, her name is Braelyn. And he talked non-stop the whole way to Peoria about making a donation to the sick kids because of Braelyn. He even said inside the clinic today "Where are the sick kids? We are gonna make them happy." Yep, buddy...I think it's safe to say we made a lot of kids very happy today.
Thank you again to everyone who has supported us and loved us throughout the last 4 years. We would not be where we are today without all of you in our lives. Each text message, card, note on Facebook, and donation that were made this year on her 4th birthday has touched us greatly. I hope that you will all continue to remember Braelyn during her 4th year, and we look forward already to thinking of an idea to celebrate #5 next year.
I'll leave you with the lyrics to a song that I just love. Every time I hear it, it makes me think about Braelyn and wonder who she would have been if she were here today.
"Gone Too Soon" by Daughtry
Today could have been the day,
That you blow out your candles,
Make a wish as you close your eyes.
Today could have been the day,
Everybody was laughing,
Instead I just sit here and cry,
Who would you be?
What would you look like,
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.
Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.
Would you have been president
Or a painter, an author, or sing like your mother?
One thing is evident,
Would've given all I had,
Would've loved you like no other.
Who would you be,
What would you look like,
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.
What would you look like,
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.
