Each year seems to pass more quickly than the one before, and I find myself sitting here again reflecting back over the past 8 years. The saying "the days are long but the years are short" is an accurate depiction of my life over the last several years. We've been so blessed to be able to parent two rambunctious boys - after all, the odds were stacked against us actually being parents to children here on Earth. But with those two crazy boys being born 20 months apart, the last few years have been insane and overwhelming at times. This year though, I've really felt like the fog is clearing and I catch myself thinking often about what life would have been like with Braelyn, a daughter along with two sons...
At first, after Braelyn died I had so many thoughts cluttered in my mind about what I was supposed to be doing. I felt like each year on her birthday I had to do something really big and great to make sure she was not forgotten, otherwise I would not be worthy of being deemed a good mom. It was like each year I wanted to make sure I outdid whatever we had done the year before. I wanted to make sure everyone was hearing her name and thinking of her and the impact she made in this world each year on her birthday. Because if I was doing that it felt like I didn't have to admit to myself that she is gone and that people do move forward and forget. But, the farther we move away from that single day we spent with her, I realize that it doesn't have to be like that. I don't have to do what I think the world is telling me I should do. This year I'm feeling a lot more like I want to hold her close to my heart and not shout her name from the rooftops. Grief is such a funny thing like that.
The boys talk about their sister occasionally and ask questions about her. It makes me happy to hear them talk of someone they never met because it's a way they have a connection to their sibling. Those conversations usually start with talk of death, sadness, and grief, but quickly the conversation turns to the boys wondering about Heaven and what it will be like to meet Braelyn (they think she's way taller than they are - because she's older, duh!), and how Braelyn is lucky because she got to meet Jesus. I realize now more than ever, she is a conduit for their belief in Jesus. She makes Heaven and God's love and redemption so much more real in their eyes. And I'm ever thankful for her short life.
This year, we chose to make a donation to Cole and Clay's classrooms. We know teachers always have wishlists for things they want to use in their class and we wanted their teachers to have fun picking out a few new things for the kids. The other reason we chose the schools is because we want the boys to learn about donating and doing good deeds for others and it helps to connect the dots for them when we donate to places that are relevant in their lives. They were really excited about their teachers getting new things with our money.
I don't want people to think I'm writing about what good deeds we are doing as a family to sound like we are bragging or that we think we are such great people, thats not the case at all. The reason that I'm writing each year is to document the good that's come from Braelyn being born. We don't get to look back in 20 years with her and talk about all of the good birthday memories that we've made together and which birthday party was her favorite, so I write to be able to remember for myself and to remind me that there is good that came from a crappy situation.
As always, please if you feel so inclined, do a random act of kindness with our Braelyn in mind. It's not necessary to share what you've done, but please also know that it means a lot to hear from friends and family on hard days about what they've chosen to do.
Today we will celebrate her special day at home. We had plans to go to Rader Farms but with a forecast of rain and the littlest brother fighting off strep throat the plans have changed. We picked out a cake mix to bake together and we will play lots of games together. I think it'll be a great day.
I leave you with these words from the Bible. Words that I truly believe have carried me through some of the darkest times and left me still able to look towards the future with hope and thankfulness for my suffering, as I have witnessed first hand the good that has come from my tiny daughter.
*...We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (Romans 5: 3-5)*
