It's been 11 years - an entire decade plus one more year now - since we've seen her. The years go quickly, but each October 7th moves slowly as I remember every part of that day all those years ago. The smell of the hospital, the frantic rush of people around us, the dark NICU room, her tiny hands and green hat, even the weather outside that day when we got into our car and drove home as totally different people than when we entered those walls only a few days prior. From my first glimpse of her to my last that very same day.
Every year this day brings an intense desire for self-reflection and this year my thoughts have wandered down a path of how it's wild to live in a world where I simultaneously wish for Braelyn to be here and for none of this to be a reality but also to be so intensely grateful for life exactly the way it is now. It wouldn't be possible to have it both ways - and if given the choice of which path I'd want to be on, it would be an impossible decision. Would I choose to be raising a daughter or two sons? The reality is that if Braelyn had survived, I'd never have these exact two boys in my life. And I can't bear the thought of them not existing.
No one would choose the death of a child. But each year that passes brings me more peace and understanding of the life that is in front of me - the one that exists without her physical presence. But I know she’s never far in spirit. I feel her and see her in the beautiful world that we are existing in. The Monarch butterflies that have floated in the wind in our yard all summer, the beautiful and perfect rainbow we saw while driving in Maui last week, my niece and our friends daughters who give me a glimpse into the life of a girl around her age, and having the opportunity to be a mom to two boys who make my world go around every single day - that’s a miracle I do not take for granted. The beauty is there, right in front of me. I’m choosing to see it and to live it - even in the hard moments.
I am so appreciative of my family and friends who remember to reach out every year on this day. Your words and acts of kindness to others make this day easier. And it does this mom’s heart good to know that she is not forgotten and her life, albeit short, continues to make a positive difference in this world.
Sending love to you all today. <3
