Braelyn's 6th Birthday

Today is Braelyn's 6th birthday.  Life for us is so different than it was six years ago.  Six years ago was the first time I truly understood what a mothers love felt like.  It was also the first time I was truly fearful that I would never be pregnant again and bring home a live baby.  But God had other plans in store for our family.  Of course I wish every day that Braelyn was a part of our living family, but I truly believe that one day we will all be reunited in Heaven.  If you would have asked me on October 7, 2010 if I'd be okay, I probably would have told you yes - but at that moment, I didn't know what okay was going to look like and I really don't know if I would have believed my answer.  Now, six years later, I can tell you that I am better than okay.  I am truly happy being a mom to two incredibly cute and rambunctious boys.  I would have given up everything to be their mom, and in some ways I did give it all up on that day in October 2010.  If it were not for Braelyn being born when she was, I would never have these exact two boys that I get to love on each day.

I have a deep appreciation for her short life and the lasting impact its made on my own life.  That day was the make or break moment of fully trusting God and what He had in store for my future.  Luckily I chose to stick close to Him to see what he was going to do with my heartache - and it's made such a difference in my life.  If you are going through a difficult situation, put your trust in God and choose to praise him in your storm.  I understand that it's easier said than done, but trust me, it'll be a game changer!  Thank you all for the incredible love you show me year after year.  I have family and old friends that in some way experienced that heartbreaking day with me who continue to support our family and our cause each year.  I also have brand new friends who participated in our donation this year and I'm so grateful for those friendships and support that they have shown when it would be so easy to gloss over this part of who I am.

This is really the only picture I have of just the three of us

As you know, this year we decided to donate school supplies to Hudson Elementary School since Braelyn would have been in Kindergarten.  We were once again so blessed this year with participation from our friends and family.  We collected a TON of supplies!  We appreciate each and every one of you that participated!  We continue to be blown away by the support we are receiving 6 years later.  The school was THRILLED to receive our gift.  These supplies will be put to good use and I'd like to think that a little part of Braelyn is actually at Hudson Elementary School this year and maybe for years to come.  For the most part, I know who donated, but a few items arrived with no note of who sent it - so since I will not be able to write a formal thank you to the anonymous people, please take this as my sincere thank you for sending supplies.

Here is a list of what we were able to collect, but my guess is that it's well over a couple hundred dollars of items.  And here are some pictures of the boys helping .  They collected packages each day from our front porch, opened them, organized the supplies, and were able to learn about their sister by participating in our donation this year.

• 35 boxes of Kleenex
• 84 boxes of crayons
• 55 highlighters
• 30 boxes of colored pencils
• 94 Sharpie markers
• 304 pencils
• 75 erasers
• 150 dry erase markers
• 2 packs of index cards
• 12 packs Post-It Notes
• 12 bottles of Purell hand sanitizer
• 2 learning flashcard sets
• 3 rolls of masking tape
• 22 rolls Scotch tape
• Glue 
• 1 gallon refill jug
• 148 glue sticks
• 46 bottles of glue
• 2 pairs of scissors
• 45 boxes of markers
• 11 water color paints
• 5 folders
• 3 packs of construction paper
• 7 packages of wide ruled paper
• 13 packs of printer paper
• 416 gallon sized Ziplock bags
• 1,375 sandwich sized Ziplock bags
• 20 bottles of Chlorox/Lysol wipes
• 29,896 stickers :)
• 4 new nets for the basketball hoops at the school
• Gift cards
• 1 - $25 Meijer
• 2 - $25 Walmart
• 2 - $25 Amazon
• 1 - $40 Amazon
• 3 - $25 Target

You all are so AMAZING!  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts!  Happy #6 Baby Girl! 

We are off to hike at Starved Rock this afternoon and of course, grabbing ice cream at Orange Leaf later - as we do for all birthdays in our family.  I say to the boys every morning "It's a good day to have a good day!"  And that couldn't be any more true today!  Love you all!!  

The Empty Chair

It's been a while since I have visited this blog.  It's funny how grief works sometimes - you move forward and you feel ok, even great, most days, but then another milestone comes up and you start to feel restless.  This blog has been a connecting point for me with Braelyn - both with her memories and to help me write my feelings to try and make sense of them.  It feels good to go back and read things I've written in the past to see how much progress I've made, so I guess that's why I'm deciding to write this down...for future me to read again to prove that I survived another milestone.

This year there will be an empty chair in the Kindergarten classroom.  School supplies left unpurchased.  No new backpack hanging on the hook, or new shoes left haphazardly by the door after school.  No "1st Day of School" pictures to take.  No lunches to pack.  No buses to catch.  No homework to do in the evenings.  No report cards to praise.  No extracurricular activities to sign up for.  No new friends coming over to our house to play.  No school pictures to hang on the walls.  No sounds of a little girls laughter or excitement to share about her day at our dinner table each evening.

Each passing year has been hard in it's own way since losing Braelyn.  But this is the year that I've been anxious about.  This is the year she would have gone to Kindergarten.  That moment where as a parent you are both excited beyond belief for your kiddo, but at the same time nervous - will they make friends, will they be okay all day at a new place, will they figure out how to get on the right bus in the afternoon, will they like their teacher, will they be excited to learn...  This is a HUGE milestone for every child!  This is the year where they are not a baby anymore.  This is the year you learn to trust a building full of people you don't know with your most precious gift.  But our house will go on as if it's just another regular day.  Nothing changes this year for us like it should have.

I know that I am one of the lucky ones.  I've battled and won against the monster of infertility.  I've battled and came out broken, but alive, from child loss.  I finally have two boys in my house that fill my days with laughter, love, and sometimes a touch of insanity too.  But there is always still something missing.  It's been almost 6 years since she made her brief appearance - but I often wonder what our family would be like with her as a living part of it.

This year, when you send your babies off to school, do me a favor - remember mine.  Remember that she would have gone to school this year too and we would have been so excited about this new phase of life.  Remember her as you shop for school supplies, new clothes, shoes, and backpacks.  Kiss those big kids of yours one extra time for me as you drop them off on the first day at the door of their school, or before you watch them climb the steps onto the bus.  Enjoy each moment that this school year has to bring if you can.  I know it'll be hard and I know you will have moments where you are frustrated and just plain stressed out.  But you get to experience this with your child - and that's all that really matters!  Remember how incredibly blessed we all are in this journey of life.

Each year we choose to do something that helps others around us in Braelyn's honor.  This year since she would have gone to Kindergarten, we thought it would be fitting to collect school supplies that we can donate to Hudson Elementary School - where she would have been enrolled.  If we collect an over abundance of supplies, we'll spread the love to other schools as well.  I've researched what types of supplies the school would like to have and I put together an Amazon Wish List (it seemed to work really well last year with the book drive).  We will plan to start our collection now, since it's the best time of year to shop for school supplies, and we will deliver our gifts to the school(s) on her birthday in October.

Here are your options for donating if you wish:

• Amazon Wish List (can ship directly to me):  Braelyn School List 2016
• Shop at any store around you and I'll pick up your donation from you.
• Teachers are always appreciative of gift cards from the following:  Amazon, Target, Walmart
• If you want to send money to me, I'd be happy to shop for you. 

Thank you again for your support over the years.  We love all of you and are so thankful to have people in our lives who have helped us make it through each year.  It feels so good to do nice things for others, and with your help each year we can make a lasting impact to those near and far.  We LOVE you all!!