11 Years

It's been 11 years - an entire decade plus one more year now - since we've seen her.   The years go quickly, but each October 7th moves slowly as I remember every part of that day all those years ago.  The smell of the hospital, the frantic rush of people around us, the dark NICU room, her tiny hands and green hat, even the weather outside that day when we got into our car and drove home as totally different people than when we entered those walls only a few days prior.  From my first glimpse of her to my last that very same day. 

Every year this day brings an intense desire for self-reflection and this year my thoughts have wandered down a path of how it's wild to live in a world where I simultaneously wish for Braelyn to be here and for none of this to be a reality but also to be so intensely grateful for life exactly the way it is now.   It wouldn't be possible to have it both ways - and if given the choice of which path I'd want to be on, it would be an impossible decision.  Would I choose to be raising a daughter or two sons?  The reality is that if Braelyn had survived, I'd never have these exact two boys in my life. And I can't bear the thought of them not existing.  

No one would choose the death of a child.  But each year that passes brings me more peace and understanding of the life that is in front of me - the one that exists without her physical presence.  But I know she’s never far in spirit.  I feel her and see her in the beautiful world that we are existing in.  The Monarch butterflies that have floated in the wind in our yard all summer, the beautiful and perfect rainbow we saw while driving in Maui last week, my niece and our friends daughters who give me a glimpse into the life of a girl around her age, and having the opportunity to be a mom to two boys who make my world go around every single day - that’s a miracle I do not take for granted.  The beauty is there, right in front of me.  I’m choosing to see it and to live it - even in the hard moments. 

I am so appreciative of my family and friends who remember to reach out every year on this day.  Your words and acts of kindness to others make this day easier.  And it does this mom’s heart good to know that she is not forgotten and her life, albeit short, continues to make a positive difference in this world. 

Sending love to you all today. <3

#9

I'm sitting here today in Houston, Texas. I'm supposed to be home. This delay was unexpected. We've been on vacation in San Diego over the last week and we were on our way home yesterday but due to bad weather in Dallas we were rerouted in mid-air to Houston instead. We should have been able to book another flight to get out of here and get back on our way, but we stood in line at the ticket desk for about 4 hours and were almost last in line. Unfortunately there were no flights with empty seats going back home until late tonight, so I'm sitting here with my family in Houston. 

I had other plans for today. Other things I wanted to do and expectations for a different kind of day.  After all, this is a sacred day every year for me. 

Life is kind of like this at times. Your travels are diverted, expectations are not met, and you find yourself sitting in a foreign place for some amount of time. This day nine years ago has a lot of similarities to today.  What we expected when I was pregnant was that nine months later we'd come home with a baby and that would be that. But as you know, that didn't happen. Braelyn was born too early and we left the hospital with empty arms and shocked hearts. We had been diverted mid-flight and brought down into foreign territory. 

I've really struggled this year with what I wanted to say on her 9th birthday. So much has changed in those years since we handed her over to Heaven. Then it hit me today with all of this travel mess there is such a parallel to her story.  We've been through the mess that re-routed travel took us through, and we are learning to be flexible, to be patient, and to try to find ways to enjoy the crazy chaos the unexpected journey took us on.  

If I could go back to this day nine years ago I'd tell myself to prepare for turbulence ahead and that the trajectory of my journey was going to change drastically and without much warning. But I'd also tell myself that if I take time to look around where I've landed, I will see that I've arrived in a place that is still beautiful if I stop to take it all in. 

I miss Braelyn. Life isn't the same without a 9 year old girl in our house.  I think as the boys have gotten into school it's easier to realize what I am missing. They have friends that are 9 year old girls - and I see that's what it would be like for us to have her here.  But I think God placed some of those 9 year old girls in my life so that I would be able to know what Braelyn would have been like, the things she'd be into, and the challenges and fun that comes along with raising girls. But it's a tangible loss to me still, nine years later.  

Today I'm going to try my best to enjoy where I've landed - both physically and metaphorically.  It's not what I planned, but life rarely goes according to our plans anyway. 

Braelyn's 8th Birthday

Each year seems to pass more quickly than the one before, and I find myself sitting here again reflecting back over the past 8 years.  The saying "the days are long but the years are short" is an accurate depiction of my life over the last several years.  We've been so blessed to be able to parent two rambunctious boys - after all, the odds were stacked against us actually being parents to children here on Earth.  But with those two crazy boys being born 20 months apart, the last few years have been insane and overwhelming at times.  This year though, I've really felt like the fog is clearing and I catch myself thinking often about what life would have been like with Braelyn, a daughter along with two sons...

At first, after Braelyn died I had so many thoughts cluttered in my mind about what I was supposed to be doing.  I felt like each year on her birthday I had to do something really big and great to make sure she was not forgotten, otherwise I would not be worthy of being deemed a good mom.  It was like each year I wanted to make sure I outdid whatever we had done the year before.  I wanted to make sure everyone was hearing her name and thinking of her and the impact she made in this world each year on her birthday.  Because if I was doing that it felt like I didn't have to admit to myself that she is gone and that people do move forward and forget.  But, the farther we move away from that single day we spent with her, I realize that it doesn't have to be like that.  I don't have to do what I think the world is telling me I should do.  This year I'm feeling a lot more like I want to hold her close to my heart and not shout her name from the rooftops.  Grief is such a funny thing like that.

The boys talk about their sister occasionally and ask questions about her.  It makes me happy to hear them talk of someone they never met because it's a way they have a connection to their sibling.  Those conversations usually start with talk of death, sadness, and grief, but quickly the conversation turns to the boys wondering about Heaven and what it will be like to meet Braelyn (they think she's way taller than they are - because she's older, duh!), and how Braelyn is lucky because she got to meet Jesus.  I realize now more than ever, she is a conduit for their belief in Jesus.  She makes Heaven and God's love and redemption so much more real in their eyes.  And I'm ever thankful for her short life.

This year, we chose to make a donation to Cole and Clay's classrooms.  We know teachers always have wishlists for things they want to use in their class and we wanted their teachers to have fun picking out a few new things for the kids.  The other reason we chose the schools is because we want the boys to learn about donating and doing good deeds for others and it helps to connect the dots for them when we donate to places that are relevant in their lives.  They were really excited about their teachers getting new things with our money.

I don't want people to think I'm writing about what good deeds we are doing as a family to sound like we are bragging or that we think we are such great people, thats not the case at all.  The reason that I'm writing each year is to document the good that's come from Braelyn being born.  We don't get to look back in 20 years with her and talk about all of the good birthday memories that we've made together and which birthday party was her favorite, so I write to be able to remember for myself and to remind me that there is good that came from a crappy situation.

As always, please if you feel so inclined, do a random act of kindness with our Braelyn in mind.  It's not necessary to share what you've done, but please also know that it means a lot to hear from friends and family on hard days about what they've chosen to do.

Today we will celebrate her special day at home. We had plans to go to Rader Farms but with a forecast of rain and the littlest brother fighting off strep throat the plans have changed.  We picked out a cake mix to bake together and we will play lots of games together.  I think it'll be a great day.

I leave you with these words from the Bible.  Words that I truly believe have carried me through some of the darkest times and left me still able to look towards the future with hope and thankfulness for my suffering, as I have witnessed first hand the good that has come from my tiny daughter.

*...We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (Romans 5: 3-5)*

Braelyn's 7th Birthday

You've probably seen the saying "I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers" - Anne of Green Gables.  And if you haven't, you might now that we are entering into the month of October.  October in the Midwest is so so beautiful.  The air is crisp, and we've lost that summer humidity.  The leaves on the trees begin to turn bright colors of yellow, orange, and red.  The sky is a bright blue and the sun is shining on the best days.  Pumpkins are brought out to decorate with and cozy sweatshirts can finally be worn again.  There are many fun activities that commemorate each fall season.  In my opinion it's the best time of the year.

Many of you know this, but October also marks the birth and death of our only daughter.  It would be so easy for me to hate the month of October.  Struggling to be able to have children, finally getting pregnant, and then holding my daughter as she passed from this world was a lot to bear on that sunny October day in 2010.  October's will never be the same in my world.  Each year as the air turns crisp and the leaves begin to turn, my thoughts are always with Braelyn and thinking about who she would be this year.  This marks 7 years since we so quickly had to say goodbye.  The bitterness of not being able to get to know her is still in my heart, but it has faded some.

I can't imagine living in a world without Octobers because I wouldn't have had the opportunity to call Braelyn my own.  I wouldn't have been touched by her short life in a way that has changed who I am to my core.  I can truly say that in a world without October's I wouldn't be the mom, wife, friend, etc. that I am today.  Many people have been touched over the last seven years because of the acts of kindness that we engage in each year to celebrate her birthday - and a lot of that is thanks to my friends and family, and even strangers who have participated in each activity we've done in her memory.  Without October's, none of that would be possible.

This year, we are choosing not to plan a huge event to celebrate Braelyn's 7th birthday.  We so appreciate everyone's generosity and participation in the past in all of the wonderful things we've chosen to do.  This year finds us in a very busy season with many activities and things on our calendar - don't get me wrong, this isn't a complaint as I know I longed for years to have this with our children, and I am so grateful.  But, it does limit us on the capacity that we have to coordinate a large undertaking like some of the things we've done in the past few years.  However, we truly believe that one small random act of kindness can hold the same power that all of the larger events have had.

This year would you join us in doing a random act of kindness in the month of October?  It can be anything - something as simple as buying a cup of coffee for the person in line behind you.  The possibilities are endless.  In a world where there is so much hurt, pain and negativity, let's all show love, kindness, and acceptance to those around us.

This year, October 7 is Braelyn's Golden Birthday.  To celebrate, we plan to take the boys to Chicago.  We are going to the Lincoln Park Zoo, to lunch at The Rainforest Cafe, and we'll finish up our day with a ride on the Ferris wheel at Navy Pier.  Our random act of kindness will be making up care packages for the homeless and distributing them downtown Chicago.  We want to show them that they are noticed, loved, and cared about.

If you feel so inclined to share what your random act of kindness is, we'd love to hear about it.  We enjoy knowing how our daughter has impacted this world and made it a better place.  But if you'd rather do something in private, that's wonderful and respected too.

We love all of you and thank you for the support you've shown to us year after year.

Happy #7 Braelyn!

Braelyn's 6th Birthday

Today is Braelyn's 6th birthday.  Life for us is so different than it was six years ago.  Six years ago was the first time I truly understood what a mothers love felt like.  It was also the first time I was truly fearful that I would never be pregnant again and bring home a live baby.  But God had other plans in store for our family.  Of course I wish every day that Braelyn was a part of our living family, but I truly believe that one day we will all be reunited in Heaven.  If you would have asked me on October 7, 2010 if I'd be okay, I probably would have told you yes - but at that moment, I didn't know what okay was going to look like and I really don't know if I would have believed my answer.  Now, six years later, I can tell you that I am better than okay.  I am truly happy being a mom to two incredibly cute and rambunctious boys.  I would have given up everything to be their mom, and in some ways I did give it all up on that day in October 2010.  If it were not for Braelyn being born when she was, I would never have these exact two boys that I get to love on each day.

I have a deep appreciation for her short life and the lasting impact its made on my own life.  That day was the make or break moment of fully trusting God and what He had in store for my future.  Luckily I chose to stick close to Him to see what he was going to do with my heartache - and it's made such a difference in my life.  If you are going through a difficult situation, put your trust in God and choose to praise him in your storm.  I understand that it's easier said than done, but trust me, it'll be a game changer!  Thank you all for the incredible love you show me year after year.  I have family and old friends that in some way experienced that heartbreaking day with me who continue to support our family and our cause each year.  I also have brand new friends who participated in our donation this year and I'm so grateful for those friendships and support that they have shown when it would be so easy to gloss over this part of who I am.

This is really the only picture I have of just the three of us

As you know, this year we decided to donate school supplies to Hudson Elementary School since Braelyn would have been in Kindergarten.  We were once again so blessed this year with participation from our friends and family.  We collected a TON of supplies!  We appreciate each and every one of you that participated!  We continue to be blown away by the support we are receiving 6 years later.  The school was THRILLED to receive our gift.  These supplies will be put to good use and I'd like to think that a little part of Braelyn is actually at Hudson Elementary School this year and maybe for years to come.  For the most part, I know who donated, but a few items arrived with no note of who sent it - so since I will not be able to write a formal thank you to the anonymous people, please take this as my sincere thank you for sending supplies.

Here is a list of what we were able to collect, but my guess is that it's well over a couple hundred dollars of items.  And here are some pictures of the boys helping .  They collected packages each day from our front porch, opened them, organized the supplies, and were able to learn about their sister by participating in our donation this year.

• 35 boxes of Kleenex
• 84 boxes of crayons
• 55 highlighters
• 30 boxes of colored pencils
• 94 Sharpie markers
• 304 pencils
• 75 erasers
• 150 dry erase markers
• 2 packs of index cards
• 12 packs Post-It Notes
• 12 bottles of Purell hand sanitizer
• 2 learning flashcard sets
• 3 rolls of masking tape
• 22 rolls Scotch tape
• Glue 
• 1 gallon refill jug
• 148 glue sticks
• 46 bottles of glue
• 2 pairs of scissors
• 45 boxes of markers
• 11 water color paints
• 5 folders
• 3 packs of construction paper
• 7 packages of wide ruled paper
• 13 packs of printer paper
• 416 gallon sized Ziplock bags
• 1,375 sandwich sized Ziplock bags
• 20 bottles of Chlorox/Lysol wipes
• 29,896 stickers :)
• 4 new nets for the basketball hoops at the school
• Gift cards
• 1 - $25 Meijer
• 2 - $25 Walmart
• 2 - $25 Amazon
• 1 - $40 Amazon
• 3 - $25 Target

You all are so AMAZING!  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts!  Happy #6 Baby Girl! 

We are off to hike at Starved Rock this afternoon and of course, grabbing ice cream at Orange Leaf later - as we do for all birthdays in our family.  I say to the boys every morning "It's a good day to have a good day!"  And that couldn't be any more true today!  Love you all!!  

The Empty Chair

It's been a while since I have visited this blog.  It's funny how grief works sometimes - you move forward and you feel ok, even great, most days, but then another milestone comes up and you start to feel restless.  This blog has been a connecting point for me with Braelyn - both with her memories and to help me write my feelings to try and make sense of them.  It feels good to go back and read things I've written in the past to see how much progress I've made, so I guess that's why I'm deciding to write this down...for future me to read again to prove that I survived another milestone.

This year there will be an empty chair in the Kindergarten classroom.  School supplies left unpurchased.  No new backpack hanging on the hook, or new shoes left haphazardly by the door after school.  No "1st Day of School" pictures to take.  No lunches to pack.  No buses to catch.  No homework to do in the evenings.  No report cards to praise.  No extracurricular activities to sign up for.  No new friends coming over to our house to play.  No school pictures to hang on the walls.  No sounds of a little girls laughter or excitement to share about her day at our dinner table each evening.

Each passing year has been hard in it's own way since losing Braelyn.  But this is the year that I've been anxious about.  This is the year she would have gone to Kindergarten.  That moment where as a parent you are both excited beyond belief for your kiddo, but at the same time nervous - will they make friends, will they be okay all day at a new place, will they figure out how to get on the right bus in the afternoon, will they like their teacher, will they be excited to learn...  This is a HUGE milestone for every child!  This is the year where they are not a baby anymore.  This is the year you learn to trust a building full of people you don't know with your most precious gift.  But our house will go on as if it's just another regular day.  Nothing changes this year for us like it should have.

I know that I am one of the lucky ones.  I've battled and won against the monster of infertility.  I've battled and came out broken, but alive, from child loss.  I finally have two boys in my house that fill my days with laughter, love, and sometimes a touch of insanity too.  But there is always still something missing.  It's been almost 6 years since she made her brief appearance - but I often wonder what our family would be like with her as a living part of it.

This year, when you send your babies off to school, do me a favor - remember mine.  Remember that she would have gone to school this year too and we would have been so excited about this new phase of life.  Remember her as you shop for school supplies, new clothes, shoes, and backpacks.  Kiss those big kids of yours one extra time for me as you drop them off on the first day at the door of their school, or before you watch them climb the steps onto the bus.  Enjoy each moment that this school year has to bring if you can.  I know it'll be hard and I know you will have moments where you are frustrated and just plain stressed out.  But you get to experience this with your child - and that's all that really matters!  Remember how incredibly blessed we all are in this journey of life.

Each year we choose to do something that helps others around us in Braelyn's honor.  This year since she would have gone to Kindergarten, we thought it would be fitting to collect school supplies that we can donate to Hudson Elementary School - where she would have been enrolled.  If we collect an over abundance of supplies, we'll spread the love to other schools as well.  I've researched what types of supplies the school would like to have and I put together an Amazon Wish List (it seemed to work really well last year with the book drive).  We will plan to start our collection now, since it's the best time of year to shop for school supplies, and we will deliver our gifts to the school(s) on her birthday in October.

Here are your options for donating if you wish:

• Amazon Wish List (can ship directly to me):  Braelyn School List 2016
• Shop at any store around you and I'll pick up your donation from you.
• Teachers are always appreciative of gift cards from the following:  Amazon, Target, Walmart
• If you want to send money to me, I'd be happy to shop for you. 

Thank you again for your support over the years.  We love all of you and are so thankful to have people in our lives who have helped us make it through each year.  It feels so good to do nice things for others, and with your help each year we can make a lasting impact to those near and far.  We LOVE you all!!

FIVE

"I am so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers." ~Anne of Green Gables

Five years.  That’s enough time for so many things to change in life.  Five years brings people in and out of your life.  It is enough time to set goals and accomplish them.  It brings family and career changes. Five years is enough time to celebrate large milestones.  Five years is a long time to miss someone who isn’t here with you.  

Obviously life has continued to move forward.  Some days it seems the speed at which my life is moving forward is incredibly fast.  In the last 5 years I’ve had 3 babies, had a few role changes at work, taken a few big vacations, and most recently trained for and ran a half marathon.  My days are so full with work and the boys that the weeks and months begin to blur together.  But every year once October hits it’s as if my world stands still for a moment. It may be the crisp fall air or the sun shining through the changing leaves on the trees.  Maybe it’s the comfort of putting on a warm sweatshirt or sleeping with the windows open.  Whatever it is, I’m reminded so much of October 2010.  October equals Braelyn in my world.  It’s being excited about my pregnancy with her, it’s her scary entrance into this world, it’s her heartbreaking exit, and it’s her beautiful fall service to remember her at Lake Evergreen. And each October becomes even more about her as we choose to do something big to commemorate her life while at the same time filling the lives of others with her name. 

I don’t think a year will go by without me thinking “what would she be doing now” or “what would she be like”.  But those questions are also hard because I know we’ll never get to actually experience the answers.  Five is almost a rite of passage for a kid.  No longer a baby or toddler, but a true big kid.  I’m sure my house would be littered with baby dolls, Barbie’s, and pink dress up clothes.  We would probably know every single Disney princess name, own all of the movies, and watch them on repeat.  I bet she’d know how to ride a bike without training wheels, attend Little Kidsview at church, and probably know how to write her name.   She would have long dark brown hair and big brown eyes and maybe a cute little dimple in her chin like her baby brother.  She would fiercely love and adore her brothers.  The three of them would have so much fun together.  All of these thoughts make me smile but I quickly get a lump in my throat because it’s all just a dream.   It’s like when you were a little kid and you dreamed up what your exact family would be like when you grew up, but then that perfect dream fades into reality and life is so different.

Don’t feel sorry for me though.  My life has turned out beautifully.  Even more so than I could have imagined or planned out for myself – it’s just different than what I originally pictured.  I’ve said this before, but I truly believe it. Braelyn has changed me at my core.  I am not the same person I once was or dreamt to be.  My life goals, what I consider to be important milestones, and ideas of success have evolved into something that I can smile and be absolutely sure about.  I am a nicer, more caring, and patient person.  My relationship with Jesus has changed tremendously – and is now at the very heart of my life, relationships, and decisions I’m making.  I can say matter of factly, if I did not know Jesus and the promise of eternal life that he brings to us, I would be in a much different mental state after losing my daughter.  I’m still sad, I still wish the ending was different, but I know that one day I will be reunited with her because Jesus paid for my sins and gives me the promise of eternal life if I choose to believe and follow him.  I can’t image going through a devastating event like this without knowing the promise that lies ahead.  I don’t plan to leave this world anytime soon, but I know when I do I won’t have to be sad because I’ll be on my way to Braelyn and I can’t wait to talk to her again.  

I talk to the boys about Braelyn often.  Clay is starting to say her name when I ask him who his sister is.  Cole gets it a little bit more each time we talk about her.  I think he can tell that I am a mix of happy and sad when we talk about her, because his statements are so caring and innocent.  When I woke him up on October 1st, I told him that it’s now October and his immediate response through sleepy eyes was “Yay!  It’s Braelyn’s birthday now!”  I wasn’t expecting him to say it so it brought tears to my eyes and I told him “yep, buddy, it sure is!”  He loves to color and when I picked him up from daycare earlier in the week he had a picture that he had drawn and he said he wanted to tie it to a balloon and send it up to Heaven for Braelyn.  He knows his tiny sister is living with Jesus in Heaven and often he tells me he wants to put wings on and fly up to Heaven like an angel so he can see her.  It’s hard to tell him that he really can’t do that.  Moments like these make me think about what I would be doing, if much at all, to talk to my boys at this age about Jesus and his love for us and what it means.  I’m honestly not sure I’d be discussing these details of Jesus' love for us with them.  Just another great thing that Braelyn did for us.

You have probably seen on Facebook that this year for Braelyn’s 5^th birthday we chose to collect books for families of babies who are in the NICU.  We chose the titles:  Guess How Much I Love You; On the Night You Were Born; and Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You.  The response was (again) overwhelming this year and we’ve collected so many more books than I imagined we would.  I’d like to say THANK YOU to those of you who have continued to support and love us through each October.  It’s amazing to me that you have not forgotten her after 5 years.  Each year you continue to help us to do something amazing in our community for others in the same circumstances that we’ve been in.  We collected 300 books!  I’m blown away with amazement.  These books will be broken down into packages with one of each book (so 3 books) to give to each family.  We will be taking several of these packages to The Children’s Hospital of IL in Peoria and also to Carle Hospital in Urbana, since both of these places have NICU’s.  We are also going to send a very special package to twin preemie baby girls in Ohio who are showing this world what they are made of.   

Cole has been in his element each day when we get home running to the porch to check for packages.  He has helped me to open each one, read who it is from, and count how many books we got.  It has been so fun this year to see him really get into what we are doing and see what a difference it’s going to make to others.  It feels so good to know Braelyn’s name is on each and every one of those books.  Can you believe 100 families will be touched by your generosity? 101 families if you count mine….we are so blessed to call you friends and family! I appreciate each and every one of you who has supported us in the journey we’ve been on in the last 5 years.  I wouldn’t be where I am today without you.  

Thank you from the bottom of my heart and I can’t wait to see what this next year has in store.  I’m already brainstorming ideas for #6. 

Here are some pictures of Braelyn’s Book Drive of 2015 and our special day today.

Cole pointing excitedly to all of the packages on our porch! 

The collection begins. 

Sorting them all into groups of 3.

Packaged in the bags and almost ready for delivery.

Delivering the books in Peoria

Playing at the park after our delivery

At the park Cole found this random pink balloon on the ground.
I think it was a sign from above :) 

Lunch at Bass Pro and a look at the big fish.

Getting ready to let balloons go for Braelyn in Heaven

Cole had this idea because he drew a beautiful picture for Braelyn
and he wanted to send it up to her in Heaven.

There it goes!

Beautiful at the lake, as usual.  One of my favorite spots.

It wouldn't be a birthday in the Corbin house without ice cream
to celebrate!