The Roller Coaster We Call Life...: FIVE

"I am so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers." ~Anne of Green Gables

Five years. That’s enough time for so many things to change in life. Five years brings people in and out of your life. It is enough time to set goals and accomplish them. It brings family and career changes. Five years is enough time to celebrate large milestones. Five years is a long time to miss someone who isn’t here with you.

Obviously life has continued to move forward. Some days it seems the speed at which my life is moving forward is incredibly fast. In the last 5 years I’ve had 3 babies, had a few role changes at work, taken a few big vacations, and most recently trained for and ran a half marathon. My days are so full with work and the boys that the weeks and months begin to blur together. But every year once October hits it’s as if my world stands still for a moment. It may be the crisp fall air or the sun shining through the changing leaves on the trees. Maybe it’s the comfort of putting on a warm sweatshirt or sleeping with the windows open. Whatever it is, I’m reminded so much of October 2010. October equals Braelyn in my world. It’s being excited about my pregnancy with her, it’s her scary entrance into this world, it’s her heartbreaking exit, and it’s her beautiful fall service to remember her at Lake Evergreen. And each October becomes even more about her as we choose to do something big to commemorate her life while at the same time filling the lives of others with her name.

I don’t think a year will go by without me thinking “what would she be doing now” or “what would she be like”. But those questions are also hard because I know we’ll never get to actually experience the answers. Five is almost a rite of passage for a kid. No longer a baby or toddler, but a true big kid. I’m sure my house would be littered with baby dolls, Barbie’s, and pink dress up clothes. We would probably know every single Disney princess name, own all of the movies, and watch them on repeat. I bet she’d know how to ride a bike without training wheels, attend Little Kidsview at church, and probably know how to write her name. She would have long dark brown hair and big brown eyes and maybe a cute little dimple in her chin like her baby brother. She would fiercely love and adore her brothers. The three of them would have so much fun together. All of these thoughts make me smile but I quickly get a lump in my throat because it’s all just a dream. It’s like when you were a little kid and you dreamed up what your exact family would be like when you grew up, but then that perfect dream fades into reality and life is so different.

Don’t feel sorry for me though. My life has turned out beautifully. Even more so than I could have imagined or planned out for myself – it’s just different than what I originally pictured. I’ve said this before, but I truly believe it. Braelyn has changed me at my core. I am not the same person I once was or dreamt to be. My life goals, what I consider to be important milestones, and ideas of success have evolved into something that I can smile and be absolutely sure about. I am a nicer, more caring, and patient person. My relationship with Jesus has changed tremendously – and is now at the very heart of my life, relationships, and decisions I’m making. I can say matter of factly, if I did not know Jesus and the promise of eternal life that he brings to us, I would be in a much different mental state after losing my daughter. I’m still sad, I still wish the ending was different, but I know that one day I will be reunited with her because Jesus paid for my sins and gives me the promise of eternal life if I choose to believe and follow him. I can’t image going through a devastating event like this without knowing the promise that lies ahead. I don’t plan to leave this world anytime soon, but I know when I do I won’t have to be sad because I’ll be on my way to Braelyn and I can’t wait to talk to her again.

I talk to the boys about Braelyn often. Clay is starting to say her name when I ask him who his sister is. Cole gets it a little bit more each time we talk about her. I think he can tell that I am a mix of happy and sad when we talk about her, because his statements are so caring and innocent. When I woke him up on October 1st, I told him that it’s now October and his immediate response through sleepy eyes was “Yay! It’s Braelyn’s birthday now!” I wasn’t expecting him to say it so it brought tears to my eyes and I told him “yep, buddy, it sure is!” He loves to color and when I picked him up from daycare earlier in the week he had a picture that he had drawn and he said he wanted to tie it to a balloon and send it up to Heaven for Braelyn. He knows his tiny sister is living with Jesus in Heaven and often he tells me he wants to put wings on and fly up to Heaven like an angel so he can see her. It’s hard to tell him that he really can’t do that. Moments like these make me think about what I would be doing, if much at all, to talk to my boys at this age about Jesus and his love for us and what it means. I’m honestly not sure I’d be discussing these details of Jesus' love for us with them. Just another great thing that Braelyn did for us.

You have probably seen on Facebook that this year for Braelyn’s 5^th birthday we chose to collect books for families of babies who are in the NICU. We chose the titles: Guess How Much I Love You; On the Night You Were Born; and Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You. The response was (again) overwhelming this year and we’ve collected so many more books than I imagined we would. I’d like to say THANK YOU to those of you who have continued to support and love us through each October. It’s amazing to me that you have not forgotten her after 5 years. Each year you continue to help us to do something amazing in our community for others in the same circumstances that we’ve been in. We collected 300 books! I’m blown away with amazement. These books will be broken down into packages with one of each book (so 3 books) to give to each family. We will be taking several of these packages to The Children’s Hospital of IL in Peoria and also to Carle Hospital in Urbana, since both of these places have NICU’s. We are also going to send a very special package to twin preemie baby girls in Ohio who are showing this world what they are made of.

Cole has been in his element each day when we get home running to the porch to check for packages. He has helped me to open each one, read who it is from, and count how many books we got. It has been so fun this year to see him really get into what we are doing and see what a difference it’s going to make to others. It feels so good to know Braelyn’s name is on each and every one of those books. Can you believe 100 families will be touched by your generosity? 101 families if you count mine….we are so blessed to call you friends and family! I appreciate each and every one of you who has supported us in the journey we’ve been on in the last 5 years. I wouldn’t be where I am today without you.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart and I can’t wait to see what this next year has in store. I’m already brainstorming ideas for #6.

Here are some pictures of Braelyn’s Book Drive of 2015 and our special day today.