Braelyn's 4th Birthday

Today our sweet girl would have turned 4.   The last four years have flown by and gone in slow motion all at the same time.  It's hard to imagine what the dynamic of our household would be with a 4 year old girl in it.  I'm sure we'd be into the Frozen themed everything phase and lots of pink and purple.  Instead we are driving tractors, throwing stuff, and getting super dirty around here.  And as much as I'd love to do the girlie stuff, I'm really happy with the way our lives are evolving.  But we still do miss our girl.

This has been a day of much reflection for me.  I have thought about all of the moments of her birth and the hours that followed.  We are already past the time today when she took her last breaths in our arms.  12 hours and 23 minutes on Earth is just not enough time to do or say everything you want to with someone you love.  I've had many moments over the last 4 years where I think back on this day and there are so many things I would have done differently.  I try not to get caught up in those thoughts because I can't do anything to change that day.  But there were some absolutely perfect minutes on October 7, 2010, even though we knew in our hearts the outcome was going to be what we had hoped and dreamed it would be.

As many of you know, each year we choose something to do for others around us.  This year we chose to donate craft supplies and toys to St. Jude's in Peoria.  I knew that we'd have friends and family who would want to pitch in to remember Braelyn and help others...but I can honestly say that I'm blown away beyond belief at what WE ALL accomplished.  Matt, the boys and I drove to Peoria today with a car full of about $1,000 worth of stuff.  What an amazing amazing feeling.  I was so proud to be trusted with your money and things you bought and thrilled to gift them to St. Jude's.  We could not have fit one more item in our car today!  Our car looked like we were moving and each of the boys had tons of stuff stacked around them.  I did communicate ahead of time with the Child Life Specialist that we had a TON of stuff to bring...but by seeing the look on her face I don't think she realized just how much I meant.  It took 4 wagon loads, several arm fulls, and a fully packed wheelchair to get it all inside to the clinic.  They were so appreciative you guys!

After dropping the stuff off at the clinic, my boys and I headed to McDonald's (or Mickey Donalds as Cole refers to it) to get some pancakes and then on to the CAT Visitor Center to play on some tractors and burn off some energy.  It was a really nice day to spend time together.  Tonight we plan to eat some ice cream (Cole has requested blue ice cream...yuck) and talk more about Braelyn.

This year has been bittersweet because Cole is starting to talk about Braelyn.  I want him to know that he has a sister and I want to show him that because of her we know we can push ourselves to be better people all the time.  He talks about how Braelyn was a tiny baby and how he would hold her and not drop her.  He talks about how she lives in the clouds/heaven/with Jesus.  If you ask him if he has a sister he will loudly tell you yes, her name is Braelyn.  And he talked non-stop the whole way to Peoria about making a donation to the sick kids because of Braelyn.  He even said inside the clinic today "Where are the sick kids?  We are gonna make them happy."  Yep, buddy...I think it's safe to say we made a lot of kids very happy today.

Thank you again to everyone who has supported us and loved us throughout the last 4 years.  We would not be where we are today without all of you in our lives.  Each text message, card, note on Facebook, and donation that were made this year on her 4th birthday has touched us greatly.  I hope that you will all continue to remember Braelyn during her 4th year, and we look forward already to thinking of an idea to celebrate #5 next year.  

I'll leave you with the lyrics to a song that I just love.  Every time I hear it, it makes me think about Braelyn and wonder who she would have been if she were here today.

"Gone Too Soon" by Daughtry

Today could have been the day,

That you blow out your candles,

Make a wish as you close your eyes.

Today could have been the day,

Everybody was laughing,

Instead I just sit here and cry,

Who would you be?

What would you look like,

When you looked at me for the very first time?

Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,

That I don't think of you,

I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,

Such a ray of light we never knew,

Gone too soon, yeah.

Would you have been president

Or a painter, an author, or sing like your mother?

One thing is evident,

Would've given all I had,

Would've loved you like no other.

Who would you be,
What would you look like,
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Braelyn's 4th Birthday Donation

Hello friends!

 

It's hard to believe that our daughter Braelyn’s 4^th birthday is quickly approaching.   Each year on her birthday we like to do something to pay it forward in her memory.  This year we have chosen to donate toys and craft supplies to the St. Jude clinic in Peoria. 

 

Over the course of this year, the St. Jude clinic has become a part of our lives.  When Clay needed to be diagnosed and monitored for an issue with his liver, we were sent to St. Jude’s.  I have to admit that it was very scary to take our then 4 month old baby to a place widely known for helping very sick kids.  While we thank God every day that Clay is healthy and thriving, there are other children who spend many days, weeks, and months in this hospital. 

 

We've been to the clinic several times this year and each time it just amazes me.   When you walk through the doors it’s like this magical place.  Everyone there is so incredibly nice and helpful and you can tell that each person absolutely loves their work.   Every child is made to feel like they are so special and the staff all really gets to know them and what they are going through.   Central IL is so lucky to have a place like this!

 

Matt & I plan to take the boys shopping to pick out items that we can donate.  Our plan is to drive over to Peoria on October 7th (Braelyn's birthday) to deliver them.  I am choosing to share this on social media in hopes that if anyone else felt compelled to make a donation in Braelyn's name we could really make a difference to these children who are battling health issues on a daily basis. 

There are stipulations around what items can be donated. I have a list available of items that they have a high demand for and if you are interested in participating please let me know and I can share the list with you.   Or if you prefer to donate money, I don't mind doing the shopping for you!  

 

I want to thank so many of our friends and family for continuing to support us throughout the last 4 years.  It means a lot that Braelyn's name is not forgotten and each year we can celebrate the good that she brought into the world. 

"Crappy" Birthday Matt!

I've been planning this trip for months!  I was so excited to take my boys on this fun outing.  Matt's birthday and Father's Day are always so close, so this year I decided we would go to Indy to celebrate Matt all weekend long.  I reserved a hotel room way in advance and decided we would go to the Indianapolis Zoo.  We planned to swim at the hotel and eat good food all weekend long!  This vision of mine for how the trip would go couldn't have been further from what actually occurred.  If you are looking for a laugh at someone else's (mine) expense, please read on for some entertainment.

The plan was to get up early and get out of the house by 8 a.m. on Saturday morning to head to Indy.  We had about a 3 hour drive (and we had to stop and drop off the dog in Urbana).  We got up and got the kids ready, loaded the car (I had packed everything on Friday night), threw the kids and the dog in, and we were off by 8:30.  Thirty minutes late is not bad in my book considering all the factors that go into getting out of the house these days.  We got to Urbana to drop off the dog at my sisters house and we did a quick little driveway party so mom and dad, Kate, Kyle and the twins could tell Matt happy birthday.  Then we were off to Walmart because we realized we forgot to bring Cole's swim floaties for the pool and we really wanted to swim with him.  And here is where the real fun of the weekend starts...

I ran into Walmart to get the floaties and when I came out and opened the car I thought it smelled like poo.  :)  I smelled Clay and was like, yep, he needs a diaper change.  We really didn't have any space to change him in the car, so I laid out a mat in the front seat and started in.  However, what I didn't plan for was a diaper blowout.  Poop was everywhere! I not only had to change his diaper, but his clothes too.  It was a laughable moment and I distinctly remember saying that he probably wouldn't poop again all weekend.  So we were back on the road...

We got to Indianapolis and got to the zoo with no more issues and were super excited to get into the zoo and start the exploring.  I should probably also mention that Cole had no nap, so we knew what we were up against as far as a 2.5 year old attitude.  The Indy Zoo is ridiculous in the fact that their price for admission changes based on how busy they think they might be.  So when I booked our trip, it was going to cost us about $40 to go for the day, but since they anticipated it to be a busy weekend, when we got there it cost us $75 to get in.  Side note:  Dave Ramsey has completely warped my thinking and I was ticked we had to pay so much for one day of fun...  Anyway, I pay the $75 and decide to get over the fact it was that much and move on with our fun day.

 

For those who do not know, Cole has a major obsession with giraffes, so we were super excited to go see the giraffe exhibit.  On the way to the exhibit Cole saw this fake giraffe sticking out of some tall grass.  He freaked out and was screaming hi to the giraffe.  It was so cute!  However, when we got to the actual giraffes, he could have cared less.  He looked at them for about 2.2 seconds and was ready to leave. Haha.  It probably didn't help that one of the giraffes was drinking the other ones pee at the moment we stopped...disgusting!  Every time for the rest of the day that Cole would see a painted or fake statue giraffe he would get so excited, I guess he just didn't care for the real ones. 

While we were at the giraffe exhibit, Cole spotted the train.  We couldn't tell him no, so we "happily" spent another $9 on train tickets...you know, because paying $75 for the day couldn't get you a free train ride.  Anyways, we thought the train would be good b/c we could see all kinds of animals a lot faster than if we were walking.  Oh no, that would have made too much sense.  The train took us on a "behind the scenes" tour of the back of all of the exhibits.  We literally rode on the train to see about 47 tractors.  And for those of you who know Cole, you will understand how incredibly excited he was to see tractors.  It was probably the highlight of his day.  Ha.  He cried when we had to get off the train and wanted to ride again. 

We decided to walk all the way to the other side of the zoo after the train ride to go see the Ocean animals.  Cole has been really into sharks lately, so we thought it would be so fun to take him to pet the dogfish sharks that are in a big open pool.  He did actually really like that part of the trip.  Before we went to the sharks, we stopped by the dolphins.  When we got inside, I decided I should probably check the boys diapers and change them.  So I took Cole into the bathroom (I hate using public restrooms to change them, but there was no other option) and changed him.  Then I came back out to get Clay and when I picked him up, the back of his shorts were all wet.  Oh yeah, the kid who wasn't supposed to poop again all weekend, pooped allll over.  So back into the bathroom I went to clean him up and change his clothes again.  After that was all said and done I came back out and Cole tells me he pooped.  I was like SERIOUSLY?!  So back into the bathroom for a third time...to change him.    In case you lost count, that's 3 diapers in like 10 minutes!  While we were in there, there was a mom and her two small kids too.  When Cole and I were leaving the bathroom he leaned over and turned off the lights...so there were two kids screaming loudly and the mom was panicked.  I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to get the lights back on.  I felt terrible and after apologizing 10 times tried to quickly leave the premises.  Cole and Matt went to the dolphin show and loved it while Clay and I sat in the shade while he napped. 

We started to talk to Cole about swimming at the hotel because he was hot and tired and we decided it was time to leave the zoo and head to the hotel to check in.  When we were walking out to our car, we couldn't really see it because this huge van was blocking it.  We joked about our car being gone...haha, if we had only known.  We get to our car and are trying to get the kids in their car seats and this guy comes up to us and starts telling us how someone hit our car but they left a note on our windshield.  Sure enough, the guy parked next to us had hit our car so hard while parking that it moved into the car in front of us too.  So the back end was scratched up and the front end had some damage too.  Lovely thing to top off our crazy day.  So we spent the next hour and a half filing a claim.  And we still don't know if this guy actually had insurance...he said he did, with a company called "Patriot", but he could not prove it to us.  Guess we'll find out this week once we talk to our Claim Rep.

At this point, all we wanted to do was get to the hotel!  We could literally see the hotel from the zoo parking lot.  We get out of the zoo parking lot and we sat.  We sat for an hour.  There was traffic because of a baseball game, a concert and a car accident.  We crawled along.  It would have been faster to get out of the car and walk to the hotel.  The boys were restless and hungry and just wanting to get out of the car.  It was really annoying.  We finally got to the hotel and got checked in and up to our room, which was on the 11th floor.  It was a nice room and we were glad to just be there for the rest of the night.  Funny thing was that when we looked out of our window once we got up there, all the traffic we sat in was completely gone.  There were hardly any cars on the road at that point.

All day long we had been talking with Cole about going swimming at the hotel.  As soon as we got to the room he was begging to swim.  So we all got suited up and ready to head downstairs.  He was pumped because we even brought him a new beach ball to blow up and play with.  Once we got down to the pool he was squealing with excitement.  We got into the pool - me holding Cole and Matt had Clay.  The boys were LOVING it.   Clay was splashing around and laughing.  Cole was pushing his ball around and floating.  Finally, we were having a good time.  We had been in the pool no more than 3 minutes (this is not an exaggeration) and I saw something float by me.  I thought it was a leaf (even though we were indoors).  I ignored it, but then a few seconds later saw another one.  I don't know what possessed me to think to check Cole's swim diaper, but yep, the kid crapped in it and that was what was floating by me.  I could not believe it!!!  Who has this much bad luck in one freakin' day?  So we climbed out of the pool as quickly as we'd gotten in.  We then had to tell about 6 other people they should probably evacuate too and we called the front desk to let them know.  Cole was sad we had to get out and I didn't have the heart to tell him it was b/c of him.  Poor baby!  So we went back up to the 11th floor, showered with the boys and got their jammies on.  It was late anyway, so we were ready for them to settle down and go to sleep. 

About the time we were laying them in bed, our windows started shaking from the bass at the concert right across the street.  This concert was so loud that we could hear every word being sung and every note that was being played.  Matt and I just looked at each other and cracked up laughing.  I mean it couldn't have been more perfect timing.  The music did not stop until at least 11:30 p.m.  I sent Matt down to the bar to have a birthday beer alone...and told him that if he came back completely drunk I wouldn't blame him at all.

It was quite the birthday/Father's Day weekend for Matt.  All of this was so out of my control, but I still felt bad.  I am so glad we had each other to laugh with all weekend about the crazy stuff that was happening.  I wouldn't have wanted to wipe butts all weekend, sit in traffic, and wrangle kids with anyone but him.  He is a special guy to put up with all of our "crap" on a daily basis.  We love him dearly and hope to celebrate many more birthdays and Father's Day's with him!  Oh, and we have never been so happy to get home!  And if I even mention planning another fun weekend long outing, someone slap some sense into me!

And also, I wouldn't trade these two poop monsters for the world! 

Thankful!

Faded Memories

Last week we visited a friend of ours who was pregnant and had been taken to Peoria to be monitored.  We were already there for Clay's liver sonogram so it was easy to stop by her room to say hi.  It was the first time I've been back to the Labor & Delivery ward there since I gave birth to Braelyn.

I honestly did not have feelings of sadness, or any other emotion really, as we walked through those halls.  I don't remember much from my hospital stay because I was on many drugs and so sick that it all just blurs together.  The area didn't look familiar at all to me.  Matt told me as we were getting on the elevator that he remembered waiting for me to be brought down from the helicopter at that exact spot.  It got me thinking that I wish I had more memories from the 5 days I spent there.

I wish I remember the room number that I was in.  I wish I remembered more about the nurses who cared for me.  I wish I remembered more of the helicopter ride.  I wish I remembered every single detail of Braelyn's movements and kicks.  I wish I remembered the conversations I had with everyone.  I wish I remembered what the doctors were saying to us.  I could go on making wishes for everything, but it's not something I'll ever get back.

I've always been a big blog reader and lately I find myself reading blogs of other mom's who have dead babies.  Matt tells me not to read them because they are sad and depressing.  But I realized that I've been reading them to make myself feel.  Every single day is one day farther away from the day I met my daughter.  The memories that I do have are faded with time.  It's not fair I only got half of a day to spend with her here on Earth.  I don't remember what it felt like to hold her in my hands anymore, only that I she was so small.  Not many people talk about her very much and I think it's because it happened 3.5 years ago, so a lot of people in my life now don't know about her.  I still struggle with the question "how many kids do you have".  It's just so awkward to say 3 and then the next question is always "how old are they".  How do you answer that and not make someone uncomfortable?  I've been talking to Cole about her a little bit, but he is still too little to really understand it.

By reading blogs of losing babies I feel a connection that others can't understand.  It brings me back to the emotions and memories that I have tucked away nicely in my mind.  The sad blogs make me feel validated that I don't ever have to stop thinking about her.  Not a day passes that she doesn't enter my thoughts.  I may not talk about her a lot either, but she's always with me.  There are days that I'm so thankful that she is not alive and suffering but there are days that I'm sad she is not here with me regardless of what her health would have been like.  Raising boys is a lot of fun and I wouldn't trade these two crazies for the world, I'm only sad that I don't have a daughter to bond with and do the things mothers and daughters do.  Someday in Heaven we will have a lot of catching up to do!

I'm definitely so thankful for the promise of everlasting life in Heaven.  I will be reunited with Braelyn some day in the future and we will be blessed enough to spend time together and really get to know one another.  I hope that I can do enough on this Earth to make her proud of the mom that I would have been to her.  I hope that I can raise her brothers to be full of compassion, love and to be focused on family.  For now though, I'll just have to settle for watching for subtle signs that she is always with me.

Old Gray Slippers

These slippers were once brand new. 

Bought on the same day my baby girl was born that October.

The color gray, just like the haze that was filling my life at that moment.

They kept my feet warm as I was wheeled to the NICU room to see her.



They were worn as I held her as she took her last breath.

They were there as her tiny heart stopped beating.

The slippers came home from the hospital with me because I had no other shoes.

My feet were warm, but my heart was empty.



These slippers were put away in my closet for quite some time.

They held memories so dear, I could not get rid of them.

But the memories also kept them from being worn.

I knew some day they would be needed again.



Through times of uncertainty and waiting, they were on my feet.

They kept me comfortable after medical procedures and needle pricks.

The slippers were on my feet as I heard "you're pregnant" again.

They were there when my heart started to regain hope.



Along came a new baby boy in the month of December.

My feet were cold, in need of warmth.

The slippers carried me into his room several times at night when he needed me.

Propped up on a stool as I nursed him and stared at his sweet little face.



These slippers followed the boy around as he grew.

They have stepped on many cars, trucks, and tractors.

They have run to him when he calls "mommy" or wants to be chased.

Keeping my feet cozy while I hug him before bedtime.



In the month of September we welcomed a new baby brother.

The slippers fit the form of my foot perfectly by now.

Worn again in the middle of each night as I softly tiptoe to his nursery.

Waiting to chase two little boys around my living room and listen to their giggles.



These slippers are now so worn and tattered. 

But they have been part of the journey of each of my children's beginning.

There are no other physical possessions that I can say the same about.

These slippers are so much more than something that just covers my feet. 

My Boys!

I don't get the opportunity very often to take pictures of both of the boys together.  Usually Cole is too busy and refusing to sit still...  But tonight I had a rare moment to grab my camera, and I'm glad I did.  Cole was busy playing the iPad, and he didn't get upset about Clay watching him for once.  Clay adores his big brother already and it's so fun to think to the future of what their relationship will be.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day from our house!

Ten years ago today was Matt and my very first date!  We met on Feb 13th, and he asked me out for a Valentine's dinner and a movie.  I can still remember all of the exact details of that date and I knew he was the one I would fall in love with and some day marry.  We have had our ups and downs, as any relationship does, but I fall more and more in love with him each passing year.   God has blessed me with an amazing husband who is always there for me and loves me unconditionally, as well as two sweet little boys who bring a smile to my face every single day.  I'm one lucky lady!

There may or may not have been bribery involved in taking pictures this morning.
Some iPad time was exchanged for smiles.  Gotta do what you gotta do.