Happiness is a choice

It's a new year...2013...  I can't say I've ever been big into making resolutions for myself at the start of each new year, but this year is different.  I feel like the past few years have taken a lot out of me.  They have been stressful and busy.  I know that's just the way life is, but this year I want to set a few goals for myself. 

Rediscover myself

Somewhere in the midst of the infertility battle I lost myself.  The stress of remembering to inject myself multiple times a day, keeping a close eye on the clock to make sure I didn't miss the EXACT time to do something I was supposed to, doctors appointments, sonograms, and trying to become a mom all made me forget what makes me happy and who I am.  I didn't have much time to do some of the things I loved once Cole was born.  This year I am going to focus on reading more books, doing some crafting, and learning to sew. 

Take time to enjoy the little things

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in keeping my house perfect and scheduling a million events for us to attend.  I really should take a step back from this mindset and relax.  I don't want to be so busy that I'm missing all of the little moments with Cole.  Sometimes it is really good to just sit at home and watch him as he plays.  I'm going to work on letting the housework slide a bit and use that time to just be with Cole and Matt.  This is easier said than done for someone who is nearly OCD about cleaning... :) 

Spend more time praying

This is going to be a hard one for me.  I try to remember to pray daily, but sometimes as I lay awake at the end of the day I realize I forgot to talk to God.  I am going to make a bigger effort to talk to God throughout the day, rather than wait until the end of it when I'm tired and want to just sleep.  I also do not want to only pray about the things I need or want...I need to give praise for the good things that God has given to me.

Do good deeds for others

This one doesn't really need explanation.  I just want to work towards being a better person and member of society.  I need to find ways I can do good for those around me.  This includes being better at telling people how much they mean to me and giving out lots of compliments.

Practice saying "no"

I am the "yes" queen.  I say yes almost any time I'm asked to do something.  I think it's because I always want to help people and I feel bad if I say no.  Well in 2013 I need to quit saying yes to everything.  My main focus should be my family and anything that takes away from that I will need to think about harder.  I don't want to cut out every extra in my life, but I really do need to scale back. 

Blog more

I don't have a specific amount of posts I want to do per week, but I do find that this blog is a good outlet for me.  I want to make sure I find time to write.

Get active

And I said praying would be a hard goal... :)  I need some major motivation to get active again.  I think it's been over 2 years since I've been allowed to/able to work out.  I make the lamest excuses about why I can't go out and do something.  Not enough time, too late at night, I'm too tired...blah.  I need to shut up and just find something to keep me active.  I really wish it would warm up so I can go run outside...but in the meantime I'm going to challenge myself to get in better shape. 


I'm writing these goals down so I can look back at the end of the year and measure my success.  It'll be a good way to constantly remind myself of what is important to me.  I hope that I can make this year a relaxing and fun year.  I'm so over all of the stress of trying to have a baby and everything else that comes along with that.  I want to focus on my relationship with Matt and Cole to make it the best that it can be.  I think I just want what everyone else wants, to be happy! 

Here's to a great new year!  I hope that 2013 can be full of happiness for everyone.  Even with all of stress of every day life, it's a choice I need to make each day when I wake up-- I will be happy! 

Do any of you make New Year's Resolutions?  Do you stick to them?  What are your goals for 2013? 

Teeny Tears Update

Today the diapers we made and donated in memory of Braelyn are recognized on the Teeny Tears website.   Check out the blog post here:

http://teenytears.blogspot.com/2013/01/for-love-of-braelyn.html


Thank you again to Teeny Tears (Megan) for letting us participate in your organization!

Thank you to all of my friends and family who helped with this donation!  Love to you all!

32 Weeks!

My amazing sister made it to 32 weeks in her pregnancy!  This is a huge goal that she was fighting for, and I am so proud of her!  The babies are continuing to grow and both are healthy.  Let's all pray for at least 2 more weeks as that will make the chances of them needing to go to the NICU even smaller.  She is still hanging out in the hospital for now, but may have a chance to go home sooner than later.  Thanks to everyone who has been lifting the three of them up in prayers! 

If you want to check on her progress you can look at her Caring Bridge website:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/katebeaumont

Happy Monday, everyone!

Refections of an Infertile...

I can't help but to think about my family as we enter 2013...

Let me first say, I think 2012 will be a tough year to top.  Cole was here and we got to enjoy watching him grow and change so much.  It was long overdue year of wonderful things for our family.

...but as we enter a new year I can't help but to wonder what the future holds for our family of 3.  Eventually we would love to expand our family to include another child.  Making the decision of wanting another child is easy.  It's the how can we get there that is the tough decision.   Or yes, even the thoughts of will we be happy as a family of 3 if it never does happen?

It seems like a lot of people I know are going through the adoption process lately.  I think that it's so incredible that couples do want to adopt children.  There is so much financial responsibility in the process.  And often times before a couple gets to bring their child home there is a lot of stress and heartache.  But there are children out there waiting to be brought "home" to a family that will love and cherish them for the rest of their lives.  This might sound terrible for me to say (and please don't judge until you have walked in my shoes), but I don't think adoption is the route for us.  There are many reasons why I feel this way but I'm not sure I want to put my feelings about it out for the public eye.

We could do IVF again.  Although, I'm not entirely sold on this idea either.  You may have read my earlier post where I talked about having to change our health insurance.  We no longer have coverage for any infertility related procedures.  This means we would have to pay nearly $30,000 for one try!  The way that it has worked out for us in the past is that we have never had any embryo's left to freeze to try with later.  So the $30k could be for ONE try.  I'm not sure that I can justify that cost, especially now that we have Cole's well being to think about.  Also, with IVF there is a greater chance of having multiples.  Since I already know that I have an incompetent cervix I don't feel like it would be fair to put ourselves in the position of having more than one baby at at time.  My sister is having twins and watching her struggle through her pregnancy the way I struggled through both of mine makes me very nervous to even consider the possibility of twins.

I sometimes wonder if now that we have one child if things will work out naturally to have another.  Wouldn't that be hilarious to one day just realize I'm pregnant after spending thousands of dollars to get Cole here?  As funny as it would be, I would welcome the surprise.  I truly hope that this is what happens to us, but I don't waste a lot of time daydreaming about this being the case.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that we do want another baby some day.  How we are going to get there I haven't a clue.  Even though we have one child, it seems like if you suffer from infertility, it always comes back to rear it's ugly head and slap you in the face from time to time.  It's hard to know that you don't have control over the future you want.  I completely acknowledge that God never gives you more than you can handle, and he is in utter control of our lives.  Maybe it's in his plan to bless us with another child.  Maybe it's not.  The hard part is not knowing-- and trusting that He does know what he is doing.  I may never get to go through another baby phase, nurse another child, rock another baby to sleep, or plan another 1st birthday party.   And if that's the case, then I will be happy knowing that I am not letting one second slip by me that I don't appreciate and love Cole!  I will do everything in my power to raise him right and give him what he needs.  There may not be a second time around to get it right, so I have to really work hard this time!

I'm not writing all of this so you have a pity party for me.  I'm a tough girl-- I think I've proven that!  I don't need anyone's sympathy.  I just wanted to document some thoughts that I had been having.  I felt like I owed it to myself to put it down on "paper", so someday in the future I will be able to look back and see how far I have come.

Lately I really feel called to do something bigger with my life.  To help others.  I don't know necessarily what that looks like right now, but maybe posting about how I feel about infertility will help someone who is going through a similar situation.  Or maybe it will remind someone to really cherish the children they have because it doesn't come easy to everyone.

I hope 2013 is a year full of good surprises and blessings for everyone!