Refections of an Infertile...

I can't help but to think about my family as we enter 2013...

Let me first say, I think 2012 will be a tough year to top.  Cole was here and we got to enjoy watching him grow and change so much.  It was long overdue year of wonderful things for our family.

...but as we enter a new year I can't help but to wonder what the future holds for our family of 3.  Eventually we would love to expand our family to include another child.  Making the decision of wanting another child is easy.  It's the how can we get there that is the tough decision.   Or yes, even the thoughts of will we be happy as a family of 3 if it never does happen?

It seems like a lot of people I know are going through the adoption process lately.  I think that it's so incredible that couples do want to adopt children.  There is so much financial responsibility in the process.  And often times before a couple gets to bring their child home there is a lot of stress and heartache.  But there are children out there waiting to be brought "home" to a family that will love and cherish them for the rest of their lives.  This might sound terrible for me to say (and please don't judge until you have walked in my shoes), but I don't think adoption is the route for us.  There are many reasons why I feel this way but I'm not sure I want to put my feelings about it out for the public eye.

We could do IVF again.  Although, I'm not entirely sold on this idea either.  You may have read my earlier post where I talked about having to change our health insurance.  We no longer have coverage for any infertility related procedures.  This means we would have to pay nearly $30,000 for one try!  The way that it has worked out for us in the past is that we have never had any embryo's left to freeze to try with later.  So the $30k could be for ONE try.  I'm not sure that I can justify that cost, especially now that we have Cole's well being to think about.  Also, with IVF there is a greater chance of having multiples.  Since I already know that I have an incompetent cervix I don't feel like it would be fair to put ourselves in the position of having more than one baby at at time.  My sister is having twins and watching her struggle through her pregnancy the way I struggled through both of mine makes me very nervous to even consider the possibility of twins.

I sometimes wonder if now that we have one child if things will work out naturally to have another.  Wouldn't that be hilarious to one day just realize I'm pregnant after spending thousands of dollars to get Cole here?  As funny as it would be, I would welcome the surprise.  I truly hope that this is what happens to us, but I don't waste a lot of time daydreaming about this being the case.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that we do want another baby some day.  How we are going to get there I haven't a clue.  Even though we have one child, it seems like if you suffer from infertility, it always comes back to rear it's ugly head and slap you in the face from time to time.  It's hard to know that you don't have control over the future you want.  I completely acknowledge that God never gives you more than you can handle, and he is in utter control of our lives.  Maybe it's in his plan to bless us with another child.  Maybe it's not.  The hard part is not knowing-- and trusting that He does know what he is doing.  I may never get to go through another baby phase, nurse another child, rock another baby to sleep, or plan another 1st birthday party.   And if that's the case, then I will be happy knowing that I am not letting one second slip by me that I don't appreciate and love Cole!  I will do everything in my power to raise him right and give him what he needs.  There may not be a second time around to get it right, so I have to really work hard this time!

I'm not writing all of this so you have a pity party for me.  I'm a tough girl-- I think I've proven that!  I don't need anyone's sympathy.  I just wanted to document some thoughts that I had been having.  I felt like I owed it to myself to put it down on "paper", so someday in the future I will be able to look back and see how far I have come.

Lately I really feel called to do something bigger with my life.  To help others.  I don't know necessarily what that looks like right now, but maybe posting about how I feel about infertility will help someone who is going through a similar situation.  Or maybe it will remind someone to really cherish the children they have because it doesn't come easy to everyone.

I hope 2013 is a year full of good surprises and blessings for everyone!