Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Monday, December 23, 2013
Cole's Party
We had an amazing time celebrating our little 2 year old this weekend. He loved every second of it and was so worn out when the party ended. Here are some pictures from his big day!
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Cole is 2!
Happy 2nd Birthday Cole!
My fun loving, sweet but sassy, goofy, lovable boy is 2 today. I just can't believe he's been mine for 2 whole years. I'm loving every minute spent with him. He is truly the light of my life and the answer to so many prayers. I'd be lost without him. His growth over the past two years has amazed me and I can't wait to see what's in store for the future.
Here's to a fun day of celebration!
Friday, December 20, 2013
Caught in the In Between
Lately I feel like I'm in a state of flux. Like I've had a lot of different experiences crammed into the last 5 years of my life and now that I've come out on the other side of a lot of them I don't know where to go. I don't know where I fit best. A piece of my heart will always be tied to each "group" that I was a part of in the past but I sometimes wonder where do I go from here.
Once upon a time infertility ruled my life. I lived from minute to minute and from highs to lows. I spent all of my time waiting on that one phone call that would tell me my IVF procedure was a go or no go. Then I would rush to inject myself with more medicine and speed over to Indianapolis for the procedures. Fast forward another two weeks and I was on pins and needles every time the phone would ring. I heard "congratulations you are pregnant" and also "I'm so sorry to tell you this..." We spent all of our savings on paying doctors and for medications. I dropped out of a lot of activities I enjoyed because I was just so darn worn out from the emotions of it all. I found solace in connecting with others who understood exactly what I was going through. I began following many blogs and reading stories of others who were struggling with infertility and what they were doing to make it through the harder times. For the most part I feel like I kept a positive attitude, but there were some pretty dark times as well when I thought about how I may never have kids of my own. It felt good to be a part of a community who stuck together and supported one another. But now, I have happy and healthy kids. Don't get me wrong, I'm so incredibly thankful that I beat the odds and got exactly what I wanted. I wouldn't change that for the world. It's just that now I don't feel like I fit in this little category anymore like I once did. Yes, I have gone through a lot and I can definitely relate. I want to be a story that people can look at and be hopeful about their own future. But I also know how there were times before I had my boys that I read about people who had gone through infertility and came out with kids and I was jealous and resentful. So this community that I once fit so neatly into feels like it's come to a close for me.
I have also been initiated into the baby loss club. There are a lot fewer people in this club than in the infertility group, and I wouldn't wish for anyone else to join us. For a long time I have tried to find my place in this group. Of course I am sad about my daughter dying. There were days that I had to drag myself out of bed to face the world. I was thrown from infertility land to being pregnant to giving birth and holding my daughter as she took her last breath, back to full circle at infertility land again. I felt lost. I was grieving a significant loss but also trying to look to the future to carrying a baby to full term. Again I reached out to blogs and other people who I knew had lost children, specifically babies, for support. The people in this group were friendly and supportive. People had differing circumstances as to how their children died, but the one thing we all had in common was the missing piece to our hearts. As time went on, I felt more and more at peace with what happened to Braelyn. At the time I couldn't see the good that came out of it, but I can now. My sadness decreased over the years and now I have two little boys that fill my heart right back up and then some. I will always be able to relate to the feelings of losing a child, but I don't have a sense of mourning that I once did. And although I'm a part of this club, not by choice, I don't know if I really fit here anymore either.
Most days I just want to be a "normal" mom, whatever that is. I wish that I was someone who has not experienced the ugly things that life can throw at you. While I know I can't spend my time worrying about bad things happening to my boys, sometimes I just can't help it. I know that every parent worries about their children to some degree and that's normal. I just don't know how I would be able to go on if something were to happen to either one of my sons. I have already held my daughter and watched her struggle to take her last few breaths and then had to wait for her tiny heart to stop too. I don't think I could make it through that a second time. I sure hope I never have to. But even though I don't want to worry, I do.
It just seems like things that have enveloped and defined me for the past 5 years have changed now that I have kids. I will always find myself being extra sympathetic to those struggling to have children. And those people who I will go on to know whose children die, I hope they can truly see that I understand and will be there for them to lean on. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's hard to leave these groups. The ones that have carried me through the past 5 years. I have met so many wonderful people through my journey and even though I don't feel like I fit as a part of the groups anymore I know I've made some lifelong friends.
As I said, I just feel like I'm in flux, trying to find my spot in this world of being a mom. And maybe there is no one spot. Everyone has a different journey to becoming a mom and being the kind of mother they want to be. All I know is that the experiences of my past have really shaped me into who I am today and I'm thankful for that. Thankful that I came out on the other side of some very hard trials with a new perspective. Not one day goes by that I'm not thanking God for everything he's given to me.
Once upon a time infertility ruled my life. I lived from minute to minute and from highs to lows. I spent all of my time waiting on that one phone call that would tell me my IVF procedure was a go or no go. Then I would rush to inject myself with more medicine and speed over to Indianapolis for the procedures. Fast forward another two weeks and I was on pins and needles every time the phone would ring. I heard "congratulations you are pregnant" and also "I'm so sorry to tell you this..." We spent all of our savings on paying doctors and for medications. I dropped out of a lot of activities I enjoyed because I was just so darn worn out from the emotions of it all. I found solace in connecting with others who understood exactly what I was going through. I began following many blogs and reading stories of others who were struggling with infertility and what they were doing to make it through the harder times. For the most part I feel like I kept a positive attitude, but there were some pretty dark times as well when I thought about how I may never have kids of my own. It felt good to be a part of a community who stuck together and supported one another. But now, I have happy and healthy kids. Don't get me wrong, I'm so incredibly thankful that I beat the odds and got exactly what I wanted. I wouldn't change that for the world. It's just that now I don't feel like I fit in this little category anymore like I once did. Yes, I have gone through a lot and I can definitely relate. I want to be a story that people can look at and be hopeful about their own future. But I also know how there were times before I had my boys that I read about people who had gone through infertility and came out with kids and I was jealous and resentful. So this community that I once fit so neatly into feels like it's come to a close for me.
I have also been initiated into the baby loss club. There are a lot fewer people in this club than in the infertility group, and I wouldn't wish for anyone else to join us. For a long time I have tried to find my place in this group. Of course I am sad about my daughter dying. There were days that I had to drag myself out of bed to face the world. I was thrown from infertility land to being pregnant to giving birth and holding my daughter as she took her last breath, back to full circle at infertility land again. I felt lost. I was grieving a significant loss but also trying to look to the future to carrying a baby to full term. Again I reached out to blogs and other people who I knew had lost children, specifically babies, for support. The people in this group were friendly and supportive. People had differing circumstances as to how their children died, but the one thing we all had in common was the missing piece to our hearts. As time went on, I felt more and more at peace with what happened to Braelyn. At the time I couldn't see the good that came out of it, but I can now. My sadness decreased over the years and now I have two little boys that fill my heart right back up and then some. I will always be able to relate to the feelings of losing a child, but I don't have a sense of mourning that I once did. And although I'm a part of this club, not by choice, I don't know if I really fit here anymore either.
Most days I just want to be a "normal" mom, whatever that is. I wish that I was someone who has not experienced the ugly things that life can throw at you. While I know I can't spend my time worrying about bad things happening to my boys, sometimes I just can't help it. I know that every parent worries about their children to some degree and that's normal. I just don't know how I would be able to go on if something were to happen to either one of my sons. I have already held my daughter and watched her struggle to take her last few breaths and then had to wait for her tiny heart to stop too. I don't think I could make it through that a second time. I sure hope I never have to. But even though I don't want to worry, I do.
It just seems like things that have enveloped and defined me for the past 5 years have changed now that I have kids. I will always find myself being extra sympathetic to those struggling to have children. And those people who I will go on to know whose children die, I hope they can truly see that I understand and will be there for them to lean on. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's hard to leave these groups. The ones that have carried me through the past 5 years. I have met so many wonderful people through my journey and even though I don't feel like I fit as a part of the groups anymore I know I've made some lifelong friends.
As I said, I just feel like I'm in flux, trying to find my spot in this world of being a mom. And maybe there is no one spot. Everyone has a different journey to becoming a mom and being the kind of mother they want to be. All I know is that the experiences of my past have really shaped me into who I am today and I'm thankful for that. Thankful that I came out on the other side of some very hard trials with a new perspective. Not one day goes by that I'm not thanking God for everything he's given to me.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Adjusting to 2!
I haven't been updating my blog much lately. I do miss writing on here becaues it's theraputic for me, but my boys take priority!
I wasn't sure how life would be with two kids at home. I went back and forth imagining life to be twice as chaotic but then again maybe it would be a breeze since we've already done this once. After living it for the past 12 weeks, I'd settle for it being somewhere in the middle. Overall, I think adjusting to the second one has been easier. I think it's because I knew more about what to expect. But there are moments when I feel like I may be in over my head :)
I never imagined I would have two kids under the age of 2. But I truly love it. Cole has been doing great with baby Clay at home. He never really went through a jealous phase...he pretty much just accepted that Clay was here to stay and he was okay with it. And Clay is a wonderful baby. He is just so incredibly happy and I melt every single time he smiles at me. He's talking up a storm and so very alert. He is a good eater and for the most part a good sleeper for only being (almost) 3 months old.
I went back to work at the beginning of last week. That was a wake up call. After the past 7 months of being on couch rest/maternity leave we had to figure out some kind of routine. I have made it into work every day before 8 and I feel like that's doing great. My work days have been flying by, and I'm happy about that because I don't have much time to miss the boys before it's time to go pick them up again. That's probably the best part of my day...picking them up and taking them home! We don't get much time together during the week the way our schedule works out, so I try to be fully present for the boys from 4:30-7. It's so hard some days to minimize distractions and to really focus on them but at the end of the night I'm always glad I took the the to truly enjoy them!
Mr. Cole Man is going to turn 2 in a couple of weeks. I'm still not sure where the time has gone. I ordered him a Thomas the Train cake and got some fun plates and napkins to celebrate. We are not having a big party this year like we did for his 1st birthday, just spending the day at home with him since his birthday falls on a Saturday. He is so spoiled (well loved as our daycare lady says) and I'm sure he will have a blast opening up gifts and playing with them this year. He is acting every bit of 2 years. He is strong willed, independent, goofy and so lovey when he wants to be. He is a great big brother and loves to "pet" Clay. He loves giraffes, trucks, cars, airplanes and trains. He has a blast playing in forts that his daddy builds for him. I love to see him learn and grow every day. He is talking a lot and making more and more sense when he does. He knows a ton of words and is starting to finally make short sentences with them. He knows how to count to at least six I think. There is so much about him that I just want to bottle up and keep forever. I know he will grow and change quickly as the years pass, but this stage is just so much fun. I can't wait to see what the next year has in store for him! He is such a blessing in our lives and was very much wanted and prayed for. I can't imagine life without him here!
Christmas is also approaching and we've been trying to do some fun things to get in the Christmas spirit. We went to The Festival of Lights a few weekends ago, which was fun. There were two giraffes made out of lights and at one point Cole said "Hi big giraffe, I wuv you". I just about died it was so cute. We also visited Santa this past Saturday...Clay thought his first visit was fine but Cole not so much. We decorated our tree and hung up all of our special ornaments. And we watched The Polar Express, a holiday season tradition with our boys since Cole's 1st Christmas. I love this time of year. We've also found a few ways to help others in need this year and that's part of the reason I love the season. Helping others when they least expect it warms my heart. I can't wait to see what the rest of the month brings our way. I know that I'm looking forward to celebrating Clay's 1st Christmas as well as my niece and nephew's first Christmas too. So much to be thankful for in our family this year.
I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas season.
I wasn't sure how life would be with two kids at home. I went back and forth imagining life to be twice as chaotic but then again maybe it would be a breeze since we've already done this once. After living it for the past 12 weeks, I'd settle for it being somewhere in the middle. Overall, I think adjusting to the second one has been easier. I think it's because I knew more about what to expect. But there are moments when I feel like I may be in over my head :)
I never imagined I would have two kids under the age of 2. But I truly love it. Cole has been doing great with baby Clay at home. He never really went through a jealous phase...he pretty much just accepted that Clay was here to stay and he was okay with it. And Clay is a wonderful baby. He is just so incredibly happy and I melt every single time he smiles at me. He's talking up a storm and so very alert. He is a good eater and for the most part a good sleeper for only being (almost) 3 months old.
I went back to work at the beginning of last week. That was a wake up call. After the past 7 months of being on couch rest/maternity leave we had to figure out some kind of routine. I have made it into work every day before 8 and I feel like that's doing great. My work days have been flying by, and I'm happy about that because I don't have much time to miss the boys before it's time to go pick them up again. That's probably the best part of my day...picking them up and taking them home! We don't get much time together during the week the way our schedule works out, so I try to be fully present for the boys from 4:30-7. It's so hard some days to minimize distractions and to really focus on them but at the end of the night I'm always glad I took the the to truly enjoy them!
Mr. Cole Man is going to turn 2 in a couple of weeks. I'm still not sure where the time has gone. I ordered him a Thomas the Train cake and got some fun plates and napkins to celebrate. We are not having a big party this year like we did for his 1st birthday, just spending the day at home with him since his birthday falls on a Saturday. He is so spoiled (well loved as our daycare lady says) and I'm sure he will have a blast opening up gifts and playing with them this year. He is acting every bit of 2 years. He is strong willed, independent, goofy and so lovey when he wants to be. He is a great big brother and loves to "pet" Clay. He loves giraffes, trucks, cars, airplanes and trains. He has a blast playing in forts that his daddy builds for him. I love to see him learn and grow every day. He is talking a lot and making more and more sense when he does. He knows a ton of words and is starting to finally make short sentences with them. He knows how to count to at least six I think. There is so much about him that I just want to bottle up and keep forever. I know he will grow and change quickly as the years pass, but this stage is just so much fun. I can't wait to see what the next year has in store for him! He is such a blessing in our lives and was very much wanted and prayed for. I can't imagine life without him here!
Christmas is also approaching and we've been trying to do some fun things to get in the Christmas spirit. We went to The Festival of Lights a few weekends ago, which was fun. There were two giraffes made out of lights and at one point Cole said "Hi big giraffe, I wuv you". I just about died it was so cute. We also visited Santa this past Saturday...Clay thought his first visit was fine but Cole not so much. We decorated our tree and hung up all of our special ornaments. And we watched The Polar Express, a holiday season tradition with our boys since Cole's 1st Christmas. I love this time of year. We've also found a few ways to help others in need this year and that's part of the reason I love the season. Helping others when they least expect it warms my heart. I can't wait to see what the rest of the month brings our way. I know that I'm looking forward to celebrating Clay's 1st Christmas as well as my niece and nephew's first Christmas too. So much to be thankful for in our family this year.
I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas season.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Thankful!
Well, Thanksgiving is upon us again. This year has just flown by in my opinion. I have so much to be thankful for in my life. I have been blessed beyond measure.
Just three years ago on Thanksgiving I was at a place darn near rock bottom. My daughter had just been born and died and we also lost my grandma who I was very close to right before Thanksgiving. Looking back to Thanksgiving of 2010 I must have been just going through the motions because honestly I don't even remember much of that day.
I'm in a much different place mentally this year. I have Cole and also my best surprise of 2013, Clay. Today I am surrounded by family, those I love so dearly. I can't help but to think that life just simply could not get any better.
I am thankful for a lot this year, but what really matters to me is the people.
I am thankful for:
Matt: I am so lucky to have Matt in my life. I'm very proud of how hard he works to support our family. He brings lots of humor into our house and also lots of noise! Him and Cole have the best time together. The boys are so fortunate to have a father who truly wants to be involved in their lives and watch them grow and learn. I love how he always makes me breakfast because he knows I won't eat much if he doesn't. I love how he supports me in all I do.
Cole and Clay: These two boys are my life. I love them beyond measure. They have helped fill a deep void I felt for years. I love Cole's giggles and how he is finding his voice. He constantly makes me laugh. He is so smart and I pray he will go so far in life. His future is bright. I love my baby Clay. He was never planned for, but he has been the biggest and best surprise of my life. I can't picture this lifetime without him. His smiles and coo's melt my heart every day. I will always strive to be a better person and role model every day for the rest of my life because of them.
Mom and Dad: It is hard to summarize why I love these two people so much. They are not only role models but inspirational people in my life. My mom is amazing. She always makes sure we feel special and loved (even though I'm 31 it's never changed). She goes out of her way to be there for us in any way we need. She is giving and kind hearted. My dad is the hardest worker I know. He has integrity with all he does. He treats people with respect and I admire the fact that he also goes out of his way to help others who need it. I love his sense of humor too. He is always there to talk when I need to. And the best part, these two are grandparents to my boys. I only hope they have just as many memories as I do with my grandma to reflect back on one day.
My sister: Kate is my best friend (well so is my mom-- it's ok to have two best friends, right?). I love how we talk all of the time. I love being mom's at the same time in the same stage of things. We can always talk to each other about our babies. I love watching her be a mom. She's one of the best moms I know. I love her babies just as much too! Kamden and Kinley are such blessings in my life too. I am blessed to have gotten a niece and nephew in the same year. I love that my kids will have cousins their age to grow up with. And I also love my brother in law. He's an awesome husband to my sister and an awesome dad to the twins. Kate picked a pretty special guy to join our family!
My brother: I am thankful that my brother finally proposed to his girlfriend and that I'm getting another sister. I can't wait to make more memories with these two. My brothers sense of humor was missed while he was living in Arizona. I'm so glad he is back this year to celebrate with us. I love watching him love on his niece and nephews. I'm looking forward to watching his life enrich in the next year and anxious to see what the future has in store.
There is so much more to be thankful for but I wanted to capture the moments of the people I am spending Thanksgiving with this year. After all, things in our lives change, but family should always be held close.
Happy Thanksgiving all! Much love.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Clay's Story
I finally posted a page dedicated to Clay and his story, same as I did for my other two kiddos. You can find it above in the tab called "Clay's Corner" or you can click on this link: http://therollercoasterwecalllife.blogspot.com/p/clays-corner.html
Hope you enjoy reading about my little sweetie! Can't believe he is 8 weeks old today!
Hope you enjoy reading about my little sweetie! Can't believe he is 8 weeks old today!
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Capture Your Grief- Days 22-31
Day 22: Words
I truly believe a person is a person at conception. Miscarriages, stillborns, and premature babies who are born alive and pass away soon after are all people. Please keep this in mind as you talk to parents who have lost a child.
Day 23: Jewelry
I love this necklace that represents ALL of my children.
Day 24: Artwork
This is a shadowbox we made that contains many memories of Braelyn. It hangs on the wall in our bedroom so we see a little piece of her each day.
Day 25: Say It Out Loud
Something that I would say out loud to others going through this experience is: Don't forget that just because you carry your baby in your heart and not in your arms, you are still a mom. And you always will be. Cherish that thought.
Day 26: Community
This baby loss community has become somewhat of a family to me. I've met people from across the country who I've been able to connect with. People who understand what I've been through. People who accept my "style" of grief for what it is because everyone grieves differently and that's okay. I would never wish for anyone to go through infertility or the loss of a child, but it has been touching to me that people who I don't even know have reached out to me in a time of need. And I've tried to pay it forward to others by doing the same.
Day 27: Signs
This butterfly bush was a gift to me to keep in my yard as a reminder of Braelyn. It's so beautiful! I love when it blooms each year and attracts all types of butterflies. Whenever I see a Monarch butterfly it reminds me of Braelyn.
Day 28: Special Place
Lake Evergreen. It's even a beautiful place in wintertime. This picture was taken on January 29, 2011...Braelyn's due date.
Day 29: Healing
These two sweet boys have had the biggest impact in my healing process. I know that not everyone is lucky enough after losing a child to go on and have another. And I also recognize that one child absolutely does not replace another. However, these boys have given me a huge sense of purpose in this world. Without a doubt, Braelyn gave me the gift of being a much better mom because I really don't take anything for granted with these two.
Day 30: Growth
I believe I have grown tremendously through the past 3 years since Braelyn died. I could list many ways, but one of the most important things I've learned is that it's okay to laugh again and have fun. I will always have a special place for Braelyn in my heart, but I have to continue on in this journey called life. I felt guilty at first when I had happy moments after she died, but I quickly realized that she wouldn't want me to give up and be sad forever. I am thankful to have moments of good in my life.
Day 31: Sunset
This has been a great project to work on for the month of October. It's made me think about a lot of things and it's been very healing as well. I hope you have enjoyed my pictures and also gotten some insight into my thoughts and feelings.
www.carlymarieprojectheal.com
I truly believe a person is a person at conception. Miscarriages, stillborns, and premature babies who are born alive and pass away soon after are all people. Please keep this in mind as you talk to parents who have lost a child.
Day 23: Jewelry
I love this necklace that represents ALL of my children.
Day 24: Artwork
This is a shadowbox we made that contains many memories of Braelyn. It hangs on the wall in our bedroom so we see a little piece of her each day.
Day 25: Say It Out Loud
Something that I would say out loud to others going through this experience is: Don't forget that just because you carry your baby in your heart and not in your arms, you are still a mom. And you always will be. Cherish that thought.
Day 26: Community
This baby loss community has become somewhat of a family to me. I've met people from across the country who I've been able to connect with. People who understand what I've been through. People who accept my "style" of grief for what it is because everyone grieves differently and that's okay. I would never wish for anyone to go through infertility or the loss of a child, but it has been touching to me that people who I don't even know have reached out to me in a time of need. And I've tried to pay it forward to others by doing the same.
Day 27: Signs
This butterfly bush was a gift to me to keep in my yard as a reminder of Braelyn. It's so beautiful! I love when it blooms each year and attracts all types of butterflies. Whenever I see a Monarch butterfly it reminds me of Braelyn.
Day 28: Special Place
Lake Evergreen. It's even a beautiful place in wintertime. This picture was taken on January 29, 2011...Braelyn's due date.
Day 29: Healing
These two sweet boys have had the biggest impact in my healing process. I know that not everyone is lucky enough after losing a child to go on and have another. And I also recognize that one child absolutely does not replace another. However, these boys have given me a huge sense of purpose in this world. Without a doubt, Braelyn gave me the gift of being a much better mom because I really don't take anything for granted with these two.
Day 30: Growth
I believe I have grown tremendously through the past 3 years since Braelyn died. I could list many ways, but one of the most important things I've learned is that it's okay to laugh again and have fun. I will always have a special place for Braelyn in my heart, but I have to continue on in this journey called life. I felt guilty at first when I had happy moments after she died, but I quickly realized that she wouldn't want me to give up and be sad forever. I am thankful to have moments of good in my life.
Day 31: Sunset
This has been a great project to work on for the month of October. It's made me think about a lot of things and it's been very healing as well. I hope you have enjoyed my pictures and also gotten some insight into my thoughts and feelings.
www.carlymarieprojectheal.com
Thursday, October 24, 2013
I'm sorry that I'm not sorry...
I'm on a brief hiatus from the Capture Your Grief pictures, but I promise to finish up the month soon.
I had a thought today while I was home. I have a friend coming over tonight that has never been to my house. So my OCD self is trying to clean and straighten everything up so it looks perfect when she arrives. This is ludicrous because Cole will have been home for a few hours by the time she arrives, and if you have or have had an almost 2 year old you know that you can spend hours cleaning and straightening only to have them destroy it in 30 seconds or less. That's when it hit me. I always find myself saying to people when they come over "sorry my house is a mess".
I think we have this idea of perfection in our heads. That things always have to be just in their proper place and no dust must be showing when people come over. However, in reality, it's so hard to keep up with cleaning and organizing when there are more important priorities, like you know, keeping the kids fed and bathed. I do like my house to be presentable when people come over. But you know what? I'm going to stop saying sorry that my house is not perfect. Because it is. It may not be perfect in the sense that the furniture is freshly dusted and the floors are mopped, but it's perfect because it's lived in. I dreamed for years of having kids in this house. So I'm going to enjoy every second of tripping over another matchbox car and having to jump over the play mat on the floor.
I am so thankful for the opportunity to raise these two precious boys in a house full of toys!
I had a thought today while I was home. I have a friend coming over tonight that has never been to my house. So my OCD self is trying to clean and straighten everything up so it looks perfect when she arrives. This is ludicrous because Cole will have been home for a few hours by the time she arrives, and if you have or have had an almost 2 year old you know that you can spend hours cleaning and straightening only to have them destroy it in 30 seconds or less. That's when it hit me. I always find myself saying to people when they come over "sorry my house is a mess".
I think we have this idea of perfection in our heads. That things always have to be just in their proper place and no dust must be showing when people come over. However, in reality, it's so hard to keep up with cleaning and organizing when there are more important priorities, like you know, keeping the kids fed and bathed. I do like my house to be presentable when people come over. But you know what? I'm going to stop saying sorry that my house is not perfect. Because it is. It may not be perfect in the sense that the furniture is freshly dusted and the floors are mopped, but it's perfect because it's lived in. I dreamed for years of having kids in this house. So I'm going to enjoy every second of tripping over another matchbox car and having to jump over the play mat on the floor.
I am so thankful for the opportunity to raise these two precious boys in a house full of toys!
 |
| Disaster Zone! |
Monday, October 21, 2013
Capture Your Grief: Day 21
Day 21: Honor
Every year on Braelyn's birthday we do something nice for someone else in our community. I love this tradition and it's a great way to remember the impact she had on our lives. Eventually I want each of my boys to choose something to do in the month of October to help someone else. I can't wait to see what ideas they come up with! For Braelyn's 2nd birthday we chose to take part in an organization called Teeny Tears. With the help of friends, we cut and sewed 545 diapers and 10 blankets to donate to local hospitals for babies who are born prematurely and pass away. It felt so good to honor Braelyn but at the same time help others who are going through the same process that we did. You can check out more about Teeny Tears here: www.teenytears.blogspot.com
www.carlymarieprojectheal.com
Every year on Braelyn's birthday we do something nice for someone else in our community. I love this tradition and it's a great way to remember the impact she had on our lives. Eventually I want each of my boys to choose something to do in the month of October to help someone else. I can't wait to see what ideas they come up with! For Braelyn's 2nd birthday we chose to take part in an organization called Teeny Tears. With the help of friends, we cut and sewed 545 diapers and 10 blankets to donate to local hospitals for babies who are born prematurely and pass away. It felt so good to honor Braelyn but at the same time help others who are going through the same process that we did. You can check out more about Teeny Tears here: www.teenytears.blogspot.com
www.carlymarieprojectheal.com
Capture Your Grief: Day 20
Day 20: Hope
My hope for the people who are walking down the same path I was (infertility and the loss of their first child), is that some day they will have the family they always dreamed of. When Braelyn died I knew that in order to get pregnant again I'd have to go through IVF. At that time it seemed to me that I would never have a family or if I did one day it was going to be so far off in the future. It's much easier to be standing in my shoes today and looking back because I have these two precious boys. I know in 2010 I felt hopeless in a way. That I would never have the moment to really be a mom and bring a baby home with me. I am so blessed beyond words today. My hope is that these grieving mothers will have babies in the future to bring home, dress up, play with, and most importantly be able to wrap their arms around them every single day. These rainbow babies certainly do not take the place of the babies we have lost but it makes our journey here on earth easier to bear until we get to heaven and are reunited again.
www.carlymarieprojectheal.com
My hope for the people who are walking down the same path I was (infertility and the loss of their first child), is that some day they will have the family they always dreamed of. When Braelyn died I knew that in order to get pregnant again I'd have to go through IVF. At that time it seemed to me that I would never have a family or if I did one day it was going to be so far off in the future. It's much easier to be standing in my shoes today and looking back because I have these two precious boys. I know in 2010 I felt hopeless in a way. That I would never have the moment to really be a mom and bring a baby home with me. I am so blessed beyond words today. My hope is that these grieving mothers will have babies in the future to bring home, dress up, play with, and most importantly be able to wrap their arms around them every single day. These rainbow babies certainly do not take the place of the babies we have lost but it makes our journey here on earth easier to bear until we get to heaven and are reunited again.
www.carlymarieprojectheal.com
Capture Your Grief: Day 19
Day 19: Support
There were a lot of people who were there for me during my time of grief after losing Braelyn. And I love and appreciate all of them so much. But today, I wanted to share a picture of my dog, Ritz. He was such a comfort to me after we came home from the hospital without a baby. He would lay in bed with me when I was feeling sad. He would stay by my side every day until I was ready to leave the house again. He would cuddle with me and make me feel loved. I always say that Ritz was my first baby, and he lived up to that title. He was there for me and loved me no matter what. I feel like I have an even more special bond with Ritz because I think he could feel the sadness of my heart at that time. He knew what I needed and he stuck by my side.
Capture Your Grief: Day 18
Day 18: Release
This is a picture of me after I was life flighted to another hospital, one that had a NICU. I thank God every day that I was able to make it to this hospital so that when Braelyn was born she had every chance possible to live. I think I would have had major regrets had we not been taken to this hospital and we just were able to hold her after her birth and watch her die. I feel like we did everything that was in our control to save her, and I can't feel badly about that.
I do have some regrets when it comes to my whole experience with Braelyn. I don't stress over them on a daily basis, but when I think back about those 5 days there are things I would have done differently. I can't change the past, but I have learned from it.
One regret I have is that it felt like complete chaos to me for the 5 days I was in the hospital. Looking back I wish I would have been more vocal about some of the things that were bothering me instead of just trying to be polite and not hurt anyones feelings. I admit that I had some very bitter feelings coming out of this experience that I didn't deal with for a lot of years. I lived with a lot of anger and resentment from certain things that occurred. But, I am in a much better place now, thank goodness.
Another regret I have is that I wish I would have been able to let some of our family say goodbye to Braelyn. I feel like everything just happened so quickly that I wasn't able to think straight. Matt and I knew she was very sick from the beginning but I felt like we had more time. I think I was subconsciously choosing not to think about the worst possible outcome, maybe you can call that denial. We were in my post-partum room and her NICU doctor came to us and told us we should come see her. He didn't say she was dying, but we kind of knew it. We went straight up to her room and the doctor told us that he had tried everything to save her. He said there was only one other option and we agreed to try it. He said it was something that was not proven to work and that they didn't know if there would be lasting effects from it, but we didn't have any other choice. We told him to go ahead and he did the procedure while we were in there. It only took a few minutes for him to tell us that it didn't work. We knew that was it. We could leave her on life support or take her off. We didn't even talk about it. We just knew in our hearts the right thing to do was to take her off of it. I hope no one would judge us for making that choice, because trust me, it wasn't one I was ever prepared to make, and especially with a moments notice. We asked them to remove all of her tubes and wires so we could hold her and really see her. We held on to her tiny little body and waited for her heart to stop beating. It was so hard to sit and wait for those minutes to pass by. I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone in this world. I wish we had more time with Braelyn for family to have been able to visit her again and to talk to her and tell her how loved she was. I am grateful our family did get to come into her room and see her after she was born...I just wish we had more time.
One other regret I have is that I wish I would have been able to spend more time in Braelyn's NICU room. After I gave birth to her I had to wait awhile before they would take me to see her. I had been on heavy doses of drugs for 5 days and a very rough birth experience. I'm sure the doctors and nurses were trying to make sure I was okay before they sent me across the hospital. I was finally taken to her room to see her for a little bit, but then was taken to my post-partum room. I spent some time in there trying to pump some milk to feed her, I was eating, and I even took a shower (which was the best shower of my life after laying in a bed for 5 days straight). I know these are not rational thoughts, but when I think back, I think to myself, what was I doing? What kind of mom spends time eating and showering when her baby is so sick and dying in another room? I have tried to think back and remember if I wasn't in Braelyn's room because the nurses were telling me to stay in my room to recover or if it was just because I thought I had more time. I can't remember why I was not in her room. I do know that it was very hard for me to even think straight about anything that day. It all felt like a blur and mass confusion. But what kind of mom doesn't stay by her daughters side. What kind of mom lets other people stop her from that? I know that no one could keep me from my son's if something were to happen to them. They would have to tie me down and even then I'd fight to get to them. I don't know why I didn't do the same for my daughter. I think it boils down to the thought that I had more time...but we just didn't.
I've never shared these regrets before. I feel like this Capture Your Grief thing has been good for me. I am in a very good place today with my experiences. I know that there is nothing I can do to change what is in the past. I am just trying to live my life now based on what I have learned from it. Thanks to Braelyn, I know I'm the best mom I can be to these two little guys that God has blessed me with.
www.carlymarieprojectheal.com
This is a picture of me after I was life flighted to another hospital, one that had a NICU. I thank God every day that I was able to make it to this hospital so that when Braelyn was born she had every chance possible to live. I think I would have had major regrets had we not been taken to this hospital and we just were able to hold her after her birth and watch her die. I feel like we did everything that was in our control to save her, and I can't feel badly about that.
I do have some regrets when it comes to my whole experience with Braelyn. I don't stress over them on a daily basis, but when I think back about those 5 days there are things I would have done differently. I can't change the past, but I have learned from it.
One regret I have is that it felt like complete chaos to me for the 5 days I was in the hospital. Looking back I wish I would have been more vocal about some of the things that were bothering me instead of just trying to be polite and not hurt anyones feelings. I admit that I had some very bitter feelings coming out of this experience that I didn't deal with for a lot of years. I lived with a lot of anger and resentment from certain things that occurred. But, I am in a much better place now, thank goodness.
Another regret I have is that I wish I would have been able to let some of our family say goodbye to Braelyn. I feel like everything just happened so quickly that I wasn't able to think straight. Matt and I knew she was very sick from the beginning but I felt like we had more time. I think I was subconsciously choosing not to think about the worst possible outcome, maybe you can call that denial. We were in my post-partum room and her NICU doctor came to us and told us we should come see her. He didn't say she was dying, but we kind of knew it. We went straight up to her room and the doctor told us that he had tried everything to save her. He said there was only one other option and we agreed to try it. He said it was something that was not proven to work and that they didn't know if there would be lasting effects from it, but we didn't have any other choice. We told him to go ahead and he did the procedure while we were in there. It only took a few minutes for him to tell us that it didn't work. We knew that was it. We could leave her on life support or take her off. We didn't even talk about it. We just knew in our hearts the right thing to do was to take her off of it. I hope no one would judge us for making that choice, because trust me, it wasn't one I was ever prepared to make, and especially with a moments notice. We asked them to remove all of her tubes and wires so we could hold her and really see her. We held on to her tiny little body and waited for her heart to stop beating. It was so hard to sit and wait for those minutes to pass by. I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone in this world. I wish we had more time with Braelyn for family to have been able to visit her again and to talk to her and tell her how loved she was. I am grateful our family did get to come into her room and see her after she was born...I just wish we had more time.
One other regret I have is that I wish I would have been able to spend more time in Braelyn's NICU room. After I gave birth to her I had to wait awhile before they would take me to see her. I had been on heavy doses of drugs for 5 days and a very rough birth experience. I'm sure the doctors and nurses were trying to make sure I was okay before they sent me across the hospital. I was finally taken to her room to see her for a little bit, but then was taken to my post-partum room. I spent some time in there trying to pump some milk to feed her, I was eating, and I even took a shower (which was the best shower of my life after laying in a bed for 5 days straight). I know these are not rational thoughts, but when I think back, I think to myself, what was I doing? What kind of mom spends time eating and showering when her baby is so sick and dying in another room? I have tried to think back and remember if I wasn't in Braelyn's room because the nurses were telling me to stay in my room to recover or if it was just because I thought I had more time. I can't remember why I was not in her room. I do know that it was very hard for me to even think straight about anything that day. It all felt like a blur and mass confusion. But what kind of mom doesn't stay by her daughters side. What kind of mom lets other people stop her from that? I know that no one could keep me from my son's if something were to happen to them. They would have to tie me down and even then I'd fight to get to them. I don't know why I didn't do the same for my daughter. I think it boils down to the thought that I had more time...but we just didn't.
I've never shared these regrets before. I feel like this Capture Your Grief thing has been good for me. I am in a very good place today with my experiences. I know that there is nothing I can do to change what is in the past. I am just trying to live my life now based on what I have learned from it. Thanks to Braelyn, I know I'm the best mom I can be to these two little guys that God has blessed me with.
www.carlymarieprojectheal.com
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Capture Your Grief: Day 16
Day 16: Season
Fall reminds me of Braelyn. Everything about fall whispers her name to me. The leaves changing color, the sun shining, the clouds and gray skies. The harvest time, the cool breeze, and the shorter days. I think it's fitting that fall reminds me of her because it's always been my favorite time of year.
www.carlymarieprojectheal.com
Capture Your Grief: Day 15
Day 15: Wave of Light
I lit a candle tonight in memory of Braelyn and all of the other babies who have been taken too soon. I'm not sure if you can see, but the candle I lit is called "winter". For a long time I felt as if my life was stuck in winter. The battle of infertility and then losing Braelyn made it hard to see that there could be good again in my life. But I am a survivor. And without winter we wouldn't have the beauty of spring. I hugged my boys a little tighter today and am thankful for another day with them.
www.carlymarieprojectheal.com
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Capture Your Grief: Day 14
Day 14: Family
This is what my family looks like today. We will always carry Braelyn in our hearts and our minds every day. She IS a part of our family. The boys will grow up knowing they had an older sister, who is now an angel watching over them. If you would have asked me 5 years ago if I could picture myself like this, back when we were struggling to get pregnant and making the decisions about infertility treatments I would have said you were crazy. I am truly blessed and there is not one day that goes by that I forget that. My story may not be perfect, but I am a better person because of it.
Capture Your Grief: Day 13
Day 13: Book
I have not yet read this book, but I'm hopeful it will have some good insights. I came across this book last week because someone I follow on Facebook mentioned a Christian radio station was giving these books away for free to people who had lost children. I should be getting my copy in the mail soon and then hopefully I can find the time to sit down and read it.
www.carlymarieprojectheal.com
I have not yet read this book, but I'm hopeful it will have some good insights. I came across this book last week because someone I follow on Facebook mentioned a Christian radio station was giving these books away for free to people who had lost children. I should be getting my copy in the mail soon and then hopefully I can find the time to sit down and read it.
www.carlymarieprojectheal.com
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)