The Should Be Birthday Girl

Today my baby girl should be turning one. That is, if she came on her due date. It's hard to believe its actually been longer than one year since we met and said goodbye.

A lot of my friends have babies that are turning one right now and I often wonder what types of things Braelyn would be doing. If she had been born on her due date I bet we would be busy chasing her around. We would be be watching her rip open wrapping paper on her birthday gifts. We would be watching her learn new things everyday. But if she had survived her premature state our life would be so different from what I just imagined. We would probably be rejoicing over the types of things most human beings take for granted. Like breathing and eating and maybe some minor interactions. Knowing that doesn't make me want her here any less but life would be hard. I can't imagine watching her struggle to do little things. I know it would be heartbreaking.

As much as I still (and always will) miss her, I am so grateful for her sacrifice. Without her being born so early and without her passing away we would not have Cole. One child can't take the place of another but I have learned the hard way to never take this precious little life for granted. I will cherish every minute that God allows me to have with him. I will watch him grow and I will often think of his sister.

I am so incredibly thankful for Braelyn and the 12 hours and 23 minutes we had her here on earth with us. It's because of her that Cole is here but also because of her that I am already a better mama. Those are lessons that would have taken me years to learn because it's so easy to take life for granted. Now I don't have to miss being appreciative of my new baby for one second.

We love you baby Brae and miss you all of the time. While I don't want to rush through my life here on earth, I really can't wait to meet you in Heaven some day!

As you release this butterfly in honor of me, know that I'm with you and will always be. Hold a hand, say a prayer, close your eyes and see me there. Although you may feel a bit torn apart, please know that I'll be forever in your heart. Now fly away butterfly as high as you can go, I'm right there with you more than you know.

Step By Step

It's so easy to get caught up in your day to day activities and forget about the path that led you to where you are currently. I was listening to some music today and the Darius Rucker song "This" came on. For those of you not familiar see a few of the lyrics below.

I don't really know how I got here
But I'm sure glad that I did
And it's crazy to think that one little thing
Could've changed all of it

It's amazing to think about how each and every choice or decision you make in life has some sort of impact. It could be a life altering impact or it could be something minute.

Every now and then it's fun to think back about the path my life has gone down and how it could have ended up if I had made different choices along the way. I honestly believe that God plays a huge roll in the way life "works out". If I could have planned my life out in advance there are a lot of experiences that I would have chosen to avoid. But with hind site being 20/20 I can understand why God had me go through some trying times to be blessed with and fully appreciate what I have now.

I like to play the "what if" game sometimes. Like what if I would have married my high school boyfriend. Or what if I would have gone to a different college. Or what if I would have continued to live in Chicago. Or what if I would have chosen a different career path. My life could be 100% different today had I chosen any of these paths.

Playing the "what if" game makes me even more appreciative of where I am today. Sometimes I play the game with more serious questions. Like what if I never had to deal with infertility issues. Or what if I never had Braelyn. Or what if I chose to deal with significant losses in my life in a different manner.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that I am beyond happy with the way my life has turned out so far. Even with the times where I thought I hit rock bottom I wouldn't change a thing. It's my story and who I am. Without each and every experience or decision I wouldn't be where I am today.

My life story isn't perfect, but it's one I'm proud of. Right now my precious little boy is sleeping on my chest and it's such a reminder to me that my path in life has been worth every step, even the steps that felt like I had run a marathon and couldn't move another inch.

Are you happy with your path or do you have major regrets? If you could remove sad experiences from your life path, would you?

Time Flies...when you are sleep deprived

OMG!  It's already been one month since Cole was born.  I can't believe it.  The time is seriously going way too fast.  He doesn't look like a newborn anymore...

Note to Cole-- stop growing so fast!  I love your little faces and squishy cheeks.  I love that you are starting to smile at me.  I love that you recognize my voice and turn to look at me.  Mostly though, I love the fact that you are a healthy and happy baby.

New Page Added

Check out Cole's story in the tab above!

This Kid Is Adorable!

Remember the post I did below comparing Cole's sonogram picture to one of Matt's baby pictures?  And remember how they looked strikingly similar?  Well we were wrong...  Little Cole looks exactly like his mama!!  The outfit that we are both wearing in the pictures below was given to me by my grandpa for my first Christmas in 1982.  My mom saved it and we dressed Cole in it for his first Christmas too.  

Erin  6 weeks old

Cole  4 days old

Cole's Kidneys

When I was pregnant with Cole, we knew for quite some time that his kidney's were dilated, meaning they had too much fluid in them.  There was nothing we could do while he was in utero and we also were told that this was a problem that could very well correct itself once was born.  We chose not to worry about it when I was pregnant because it was out of our control.

After Cole was born and while we were still in the hospital he had a renal ultrasound to check on his kidney's.  That ultrasound came back showing everything was normal and working properly.  Once we took him to see his pediatrician, it was suggested that we have another renal ultrasound done just to be sure everything was okay.  We took Cole last Friday to Bromenn to have another ultrasound done.  (Side story:  The ultrasound tech that did Cole's scan was the same tech that did all of my follicle scans when I was going thru the IVF process to get pregnant with Cole.  She was overjoyed to see us because as she put it, she never gets to see the other end of the follicle scans.  She loved seeing Cole and thought it was so special to see us come full circle.)

Today I received a call from Cole's pediatricians office and they said that his scans came back this time showing he has hydronephrosis-- moderate in the left kidney and mild in the right.  After reading a lot about it I realize this is still something that could correct itself, but I'm so glad we had another ultrasound done on him to be sure.  Had we just gone off of the "normal" one at the hospital we would not know there is still a problem.  Cole has been referred to a pediatric urologist in Peoria where they will keep close tabs on him to see what the problem is.  I am so glad we are catching the problems early and I hope that it'll clear up on it's own.   But in the meantime, anyone who wants to send up a few more prayers for my precious little guy can feel free :o)  They are always appreciated!!

And just for fun, here are some pictures of the cutie!

Life Is Good!

I have been wanting to put up another entry on my blog for a few weeks now.  But Mr. Cole has been quite demanding of my time.  Don't get me wrong though, there is nothing else I'd rather be doing.  

Cole is such a sweet baby.  He rarely cries and is just so perfect in every way.  My pregnancy was not the easiest thing I've ever had to go through, but seeing his precious face every day would make me go through it over and over and over again.  He loves to snuggle with me and I wish he would stay like this forever.  I know he will grow up so fast.  He is already 2 weeks old today.  Where is the time going?

He had a doctor appointment today and he has gained weight.  I was nervous that he was not gaining enough, but he was up about a 1/2 lb since last week.  What can I say, the kid loves to eat!  

I was a bit worried and not sure what to expect this time when I was in labor and ready to give birth.  Last time around, everything was so chaotic and there were so many people in the room with us.  I was drugged up pretty good and not really coherent.  It was a scary time for me.  This time around, the experience was so different.  There were only a few people in the room, I was fully aware of everything going on and I felt excited, not terrified.  I only had to push for an hour before Cole was born.  I thought labor and delivery would be so long and exhausting.  I was definitely tired, but it was so much easier than I ever expected.  Plus, it really helped that my nurse that night for the delivery was amazing!  I loved her so much and was so thankful that God put her in my life to make this such a great experience.  One that I will never forget, for good reasons.  

The moment I laid eyes on my baby boy was the best moment of my life.  My first look at him I realized he was everything I had been waiting on and more.  I couldn't have even imagined he would be so perfect.  He was born at 9:17 p.m.  and we were moved to my postpartum room about 2 a.m.  I was so giddy with excitement and awe that I didn't sleep a wink the entire night.  I just laid there and stared at him.  I am so in love!  I already can't remember what my life was like before he arrived.  

The last 2 weeks have been busy!  We have been trying to sleep when we can and also keep up with things around the house.  We have gone to a few doctor appointments as well.  But mostly the days are full of feeding and pooping. :o)  But I'm loving each second of being a mom.  

This post is all over the place, but once we get on a better schedule around here I hope to post more often.  We are all doing well though!  Thank you to everyone for all of the support and prayers that you sent my way when I was pregnant.  I feel like so many people are already a special part of Cole's life!  I hope that as he grows he will realize how much he was wanted and how loved he was from the moment we knew he was growing.  We love you all! 

2012 is going to be the best year yet!  I am not setting any resolutions.  I'm just going to continue to enjoy every second of this year.  I know we will have many "firsts" with Cole and I just can't wait to see what this year has in store for us.