Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Monday, December 23, 2013
Cole's Party
We had an amazing time celebrating our little 2 year old this weekend. He loved every second of it and was so worn out when the party ended. Here are some pictures from his big day!
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Cole is 2!
Happy 2nd Birthday Cole!
My fun loving, sweet but sassy, goofy, lovable boy is 2 today. I just can't believe he's been mine for 2 whole years. I'm loving every minute spent with him. He is truly the light of my life and the answer to so many prayers. I'd be lost without him. His growth over the past two years has amazed me and I can't wait to see what's in store for the future.
Here's to a fun day of celebration!
Friday, December 20, 2013
Caught in the In Between
Lately I feel like I'm in a state of flux. Like I've had a lot of different experiences crammed into the last 5 years of my life and now that I've come out on the other side of a lot of them I don't know where to go. I don't know where I fit best. A piece of my heart will always be tied to each "group" that I was a part of in the past but I sometimes wonder where do I go from here.
Once upon a time infertility ruled my life. I lived from minute to minute and from highs to lows. I spent all of my time waiting on that one phone call that would tell me my IVF procedure was a go or no go. Then I would rush to inject myself with more medicine and speed over to Indianapolis for the procedures. Fast forward another two weeks and I was on pins and needles every time the phone would ring. I heard "congratulations you are pregnant" and also "I'm so sorry to tell you this..." We spent all of our savings on paying doctors and for medications. I dropped out of a lot of activities I enjoyed because I was just so darn worn out from the emotions of it all. I found solace in connecting with others who understood exactly what I was going through. I began following many blogs and reading stories of others who were struggling with infertility and what they were doing to make it through the harder times. For the most part I feel like I kept a positive attitude, but there were some pretty dark times as well when I thought about how I may never have kids of my own. It felt good to be a part of a community who stuck together and supported one another. But now, I have happy and healthy kids. Don't get me wrong, I'm so incredibly thankful that I beat the odds and got exactly what I wanted. I wouldn't change that for the world. It's just that now I don't feel like I fit in this little category anymore like I once did. Yes, I have gone through a lot and I can definitely relate. I want to be a story that people can look at and be hopeful about their own future. But I also know how there were times before I had my boys that I read about people who had gone through infertility and came out with kids and I was jealous and resentful. So this community that I once fit so neatly into feels like it's come to a close for me.
I have also been initiated into the baby loss club. There are a lot fewer people in this club than in the infertility group, and I wouldn't wish for anyone else to join us. For a long time I have tried to find my place in this group. Of course I am sad about my daughter dying. There were days that I had to drag myself out of bed to face the world. I was thrown from infertility land to being pregnant to giving birth and holding my daughter as she took her last breath, back to full circle at infertility land again. I felt lost. I was grieving a significant loss but also trying to look to the future to carrying a baby to full term. Again I reached out to blogs and other people who I knew had lost children, specifically babies, for support. The people in this group were friendly and supportive. People had differing circumstances as to how their children died, but the one thing we all had in common was the missing piece to our hearts. As time went on, I felt more and more at peace with what happened to Braelyn. At the time I couldn't see the good that came out of it, but I can now. My sadness decreased over the years and now I have two little boys that fill my heart right back up and then some. I will always be able to relate to the feelings of losing a child, but I don't have a sense of mourning that I once did. And although I'm a part of this club, not by choice, I don't know if I really fit here anymore either.
Most days I just want to be a "normal" mom, whatever that is. I wish that I was someone who has not experienced the ugly things that life can throw at you. While I know I can't spend my time worrying about bad things happening to my boys, sometimes I just can't help it. I know that every parent worries about their children to some degree and that's normal. I just don't know how I would be able to go on if something were to happen to either one of my sons. I have already held my daughter and watched her struggle to take her last few breaths and then had to wait for her tiny heart to stop too. I don't think I could make it through that a second time. I sure hope I never have to. But even though I don't want to worry, I do.
It just seems like things that have enveloped and defined me for the past 5 years have changed now that I have kids. I will always find myself being extra sympathetic to those struggling to have children. And those people who I will go on to know whose children die, I hope they can truly see that I understand and will be there for them to lean on. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's hard to leave these groups. The ones that have carried me through the past 5 years. I have met so many wonderful people through my journey and even though I don't feel like I fit as a part of the groups anymore I know I've made some lifelong friends.
As I said, I just feel like I'm in flux, trying to find my spot in this world of being a mom. And maybe there is no one spot. Everyone has a different journey to becoming a mom and being the kind of mother they want to be. All I know is that the experiences of my past have really shaped me into who I am today and I'm thankful for that. Thankful that I came out on the other side of some very hard trials with a new perspective. Not one day goes by that I'm not thanking God for everything he's given to me.
Once upon a time infertility ruled my life. I lived from minute to minute and from highs to lows. I spent all of my time waiting on that one phone call that would tell me my IVF procedure was a go or no go. Then I would rush to inject myself with more medicine and speed over to Indianapolis for the procedures. Fast forward another two weeks and I was on pins and needles every time the phone would ring. I heard "congratulations you are pregnant" and also "I'm so sorry to tell you this..." We spent all of our savings on paying doctors and for medications. I dropped out of a lot of activities I enjoyed because I was just so darn worn out from the emotions of it all. I found solace in connecting with others who understood exactly what I was going through. I began following many blogs and reading stories of others who were struggling with infertility and what they were doing to make it through the harder times. For the most part I feel like I kept a positive attitude, but there were some pretty dark times as well when I thought about how I may never have kids of my own. It felt good to be a part of a community who stuck together and supported one another. But now, I have happy and healthy kids. Don't get me wrong, I'm so incredibly thankful that I beat the odds and got exactly what I wanted. I wouldn't change that for the world. It's just that now I don't feel like I fit in this little category anymore like I once did. Yes, I have gone through a lot and I can definitely relate. I want to be a story that people can look at and be hopeful about their own future. But I also know how there were times before I had my boys that I read about people who had gone through infertility and came out with kids and I was jealous and resentful. So this community that I once fit so neatly into feels like it's come to a close for me.
I have also been initiated into the baby loss club. There are a lot fewer people in this club than in the infertility group, and I wouldn't wish for anyone else to join us. For a long time I have tried to find my place in this group. Of course I am sad about my daughter dying. There were days that I had to drag myself out of bed to face the world. I was thrown from infertility land to being pregnant to giving birth and holding my daughter as she took her last breath, back to full circle at infertility land again. I felt lost. I was grieving a significant loss but also trying to look to the future to carrying a baby to full term. Again I reached out to blogs and other people who I knew had lost children, specifically babies, for support. The people in this group were friendly and supportive. People had differing circumstances as to how their children died, but the one thing we all had in common was the missing piece to our hearts. As time went on, I felt more and more at peace with what happened to Braelyn. At the time I couldn't see the good that came out of it, but I can now. My sadness decreased over the years and now I have two little boys that fill my heart right back up and then some. I will always be able to relate to the feelings of losing a child, but I don't have a sense of mourning that I once did. And although I'm a part of this club, not by choice, I don't know if I really fit here anymore either.
Most days I just want to be a "normal" mom, whatever that is. I wish that I was someone who has not experienced the ugly things that life can throw at you. While I know I can't spend my time worrying about bad things happening to my boys, sometimes I just can't help it. I know that every parent worries about their children to some degree and that's normal. I just don't know how I would be able to go on if something were to happen to either one of my sons. I have already held my daughter and watched her struggle to take her last few breaths and then had to wait for her tiny heart to stop too. I don't think I could make it through that a second time. I sure hope I never have to. But even though I don't want to worry, I do.
It just seems like things that have enveloped and defined me for the past 5 years have changed now that I have kids. I will always find myself being extra sympathetic to those struggling to have children. And those people who I will go on to know whose children die, I hope they can truly see that I understand and will be there for them to lean on. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's hard to leave these groups. The ones that have carried me through the past 5 years. I have met so many wonderful people through my journey and even though I don't feel like I fit as a part of the groups anymore I know I've made some lifelong friends.
As I said, I just feel like I'm in flux, trying to find my spot in this world of being a mom. And maybe there is no one spot. Everyone has a different journey to becoming a mom and being the kind of mother they want to be. All I know is that the experiences of my past have really shaped me into who I am today and I'm thankful for that. Thankful that I came out on the other side of some very hard trials with a new perspective. Not one day goes by that I'm not thanking God for everything he's given to me.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Adjusting to 2!
I haven't been updating my blog much lately. I do miss writing on here becaues it's theraputic for me, but my boys take priority!
I wasn't sure how life would be with two kids at home. I went back and forth imagining life to be twice as chaotic but then again maybe it would be a breeze since we've already done this once. After living it for the past 12 weeks, I'd settle for it being somewhere in the middle. Overall, I think adjusting to the second one has been easier. I think it's because I knew more about what to expect. But there are moments when I feel like I may be in over my head :)
I never imagined I would have two kids under the age of 2. But I truly love it. Cole has been doing great with baby Clay at home. He never really went through a jealous phase...he pretty much just accepted that Clay was here to stay and he was okay with it. And Clay is a wonderful baby. He is just so incredibly happy and I melt every single time he smiles at me. He's talking up a storm and so very alert. He is a good eater and for the most part a good sleeper for only being (almost) 3 months old.
I went back to work at the beginning of last week. That was a wake up call. After the past 7 months of being on couch rest/maternity leave we had to figure out some kind of routine. I have made it into work every day before 8 and I feel like that's doing great. My work days have been flying by, and I'm happy about that because I don't have much time to miss the boys before it's time to go pick them up again. That's probably the best part of my day...picking them up and taking them home! We don't get much time together during the week the way our schedule works out, so I try to be fully present for the boys from 4:30-7. It's so hard some days to minimize distractions and to really focus on them but at the end of the night I'm always glad I took the the to truly enjoy them!
Mr. Cole Man is going to turn 2 in a couple of weeks. I'm still not sure where the time has gone. I ordered him a Thomas the Train cake and got some fun plates and napkins to celebrate. We are not having a big party this year like we did for his 1st birthday, just spending the day at home with him since his birthday falls on a Saturday. He is so spoiled (well loved as our daycare lady says) and I'm sure he will have a blast opening up gifts and playing with them this year. He is acting every bit of 2 years. He is strong willed, independent, goofy and so lovey when he wants to be. He is a great big brother and loves to "pet" Clay. He loves giraffes, trucks, cars, airplanes and trains. He has a blast playing in forts that his daddy builds for him. I love to see him learn and grow every day. He is talking a lot and making more and more sense when he does. He knows a ton of words and is starting to finally make short sentences with them. He knows how to count to at least six I think. There is so much about him that I just want to bottle up and keep forever. I know he will grow and change quickly as the years pass, but this stage is just so much fun. I can't wait to see what the next year has in store for him! He is such a blessing in our lives and was very much wanted and prayed for. I can't imagine life without him here!
Christmas is also approaching and we've been trying to do some fun things to get in the Christmas spirit. We went to The Festival of Lights a few weekends ago, which was fun. There were two giraffes made out of lights and at one point Cole said "Hi big giraffe, I wuv you". I just about died it was so cute. We also visited Santa this past Saturday...Clay thought his first visit was fine but Cole not so much. We decorated our tree and hung up all of our special ornaments. And we watched The Polar Express, a holiday season tradition with our boys since Cole's 1st Christmas. I love this time of year. We've also found a few ways to help others in need this year and that's part of the reason I love the season. Helping others when they least expect it warms my heart. I can't wait to see what the rest of the month brings our way. I know that I'm looking forward to celebrating Clay's 1st Christmas as well as my niece and nephew's first Christmas too. So much to be thankful for in our family this year.
I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas season.
I wasn't sure how life would be with two kids at home. I went back and forth imagining life to be twice as chaotic but then again maybe it would be a breeze since we've already done this once. After living it for the past 12 weeks, I'd settle for it being somewhere in the middle. Overall, I think adjusting to the second one has been easier. I think it's because I knew more about what to expect. But there are moments when I feel like I may be in over my head :)
I never imagined I would have two kids under the age of 2. But I truly love it. Cole has been doing great with baby Clay at home. He never really went through a jealous phase...he pretty much just accepted that Clay was here to stay and he was okay with it. And Clay is a wonderful baby. He is just so incredibly happy and I melt every single time he smiles at me. He's talking up a storm and so very alert. He is a good eater and for the most part a good sleeper for only being (almost) 3 months old.
I went back to work at the beginning of last week. That was a wake up call. After the past 7 months of being on couch rest/maternity leave we had to figure out some kind of routine. I have made it into work every day before 8 and I feel like that's doing great. My work days have been flying by, and I'm happy about that because I don't have much time to miss the boys before it's time to go pick them up again. That's probably the best part of my day...picking them up and taking them home! We don't get much time together during the week the way our schedule works out, so I try to be fully present for the boys from 4:30-7. It's so hard some days to minimize distractions and to really focus on them but at the end of the night I'm always glad I took the the to truly enjoy them!
Mr. Cole Man is going to turn 2 in a couple of weeks. I'm still not sure where the time has gone. I ordered him a Thomas the Train cake and got some fun plates and napkins to celebrate. We are not having a big party this year like we did for his 1st birthday, just spending the day at home with him since his birthday falls on a Saturday. He is so spoiled (well loved as our daycare lady says) and I'm sure he will have a blast opening up gifts and playing with them this year. He is acting every bit of 2 years. He is strong willed, independent, goofy and so lovey when he wants to be. He is a great big brother and loves to "pet" Clay. He loves giraffes, trucks, cars, airplanes and trains. He has a blast playing in forts that his daddy builds for him. I love to see him learn and grow every day. He is talking a lot and making more and more sense when he does. He knows a ton of words and is starting to finally make short sentences with them. He knows how to count to at least six I think. There is so much about him that I just want to bottle up and keep forever. I know he will grow and change quickly as the years pass, but this stage is just so much fun. I can't wait to see what the next year has in store for him! He is such a blessing in our lives and was very much wanted and prayed for. I can't imagine life without him here!
Christmas is also approaching and we've been trying to do some fun things to get in the Christmas spirit. We went to The Festival of Lights a few weekends ago, which was fun. There were two giraffes made out of lights and at one point Cole said "Hi big giraffe, I wuv you". I just about died it was so cute. We also visited Santa this past Saturday...Clay thought his first visit was fine but Cole not so much. We decorated our tree and hung up all of our special ornaments. And we watched The Polar Express, a holiday season tradition with our boys since Cole's 1st Christmas. I love this time of year. We've also found a few ways to help others in need this year and that's part of the reason I love the season. Helping others when they least expect it warms my heart. I can't wait to see what the rest of the month brings our way. I know that I'm looking forward to celebrating Clay's 1st Christmas as well as my niece and nephew's first Christmas too. So much to be thankful for in our family this year.
I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas season.
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