The Pants

Spring cleaning.  Seems like every year when the promise of warmer weather comes I get the itch to clean and organize our home.  For those of you that really know me, you know that I don't like to hang on to stuff we don't use.  (Now don't judge if you see my living room with the toy explosion...I never can seem to get that stuff organized or purged properly)  A few weeks back I decided it was time to go through my closet.

Rewind to October 8, 2010.  I found myself wandering aimlessly around the mall.  It was an out of body experience.  My daughter just died the day before and here I was shopping.  In a way it was nice to get out of the house and do something "normal" to keep my mind from wandering. But I was seeing for the first time how life goes on so easily when I felt like my world had stopped spinning.  Matt took my hand and led me to a few stores.  I needed to find something to wear for Braelyn's funeral.  Sure, I had some nice clothes at home, but my stupid body was still shaped like I should be carrying a 24 week old baby inside.  None of my pants fit.  And I wanted to have a nice new shirt to wear to honor her.   We emerged from the mall with a few bags of clothes for both of us.  I don't know how long we were there or what stores we went into.  I just know that we came out with what we needed.

After that funeral day, my weight was up and down each time we did another infertility treatment or I got pregnant again.  The only other time I wore those pants was 3 weeks after Braelyn's funeral, when my grandma suddenly passed away and I needed something to wear to her funeral.  Since then they have been hanging in my closet staring at me every day when I get ready for work.  I look at them, think about her, and then quickly get dressed.  The question has been on my mind for a while...what should I do with these pants?  They don't fit me.  I won't wear them again.  But they hold a piece of her memory for me.

In my frenzy to clear out old clothes from my closet a few weeks ago I pushed myself to sell these pants, along with a few other pairs of dress pants.  I held onto them for awhile making sure I should really do this.  But I knew it was time.  Time for someone to get use out of them.  Time for them to stop staring at me each day as I get dressed.  Time for me to heal some more.

A lady emailed me to see if she could take the pants home for her daughter to try on and then she could let me know if her daughter wanted them or not.  I agreed to it.  I didn't hear from the lady for a few days and during that time I decided that if they didn't sell I was going to hang them back up in my closet and wait a little bit longer before I could make a true decision on what to do with them.  This may sound silly, but I prayed about the pants.  Prayed that I would be okay if the lady decided to keep them.

I got the email today.  She wants them.  Her daughter really liked them and was excited to have new pants.  They are just a pair of pants.  They shouldn't mean anything to me.  But they do.  Obviously I can't go back on my sale.  I'd sound crazy if I tried to reason why I needed them back.  A part of me was sad I had decided to sell them.  After all, I don't have many physical reminders or things that were a part of my experience with Braelyn.

But then I really got to thinking about why I should be okay with letting them go.  Reasoning with myself that this was the way it's meant to work out.  My take away is that this is just a mere earthly possession.  Yes, it's a tangible reminder to me of her.  But someday when I go to Heaven, I won't need "things" to fill that void.  I'll be re-joined with her and I can spend eternity there.  I won't need those pants to be a reminder of what I lost because in Christ I have actually gained being able to be with her forever.   But until that day comes, I will still have the shirt.