Capture Your Grief: Day 16

Day 16: Season

Fall reminds me of Braelyn. Everything about fall whispers her name to me. The leaves changing color, the sun shining, the clouds and gray skies.  The harvest time, the cool breeze, and the shorter days.  I think it's fitting that fall reminds me of her because it's always been my favorite time of year. 

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Capture Your Grief: Day 15

Day 15:  Wave of Light

I lit a candle tonight in memory of Braelyn and all of the other babies who have been taken too soon.  I'm not sure if you can see, but the candle I lit is called "winter". For a long time I felt as if my life was stuck in winter.  The battle of infertility and then losing Braelyn made it hard to see that there could be good again in my life.  But I am a survivor. And without winter we wouldn't have the beauty of spring. I hugged my boys a little tighter today and am thankful for another day with them.  

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Capture Your Grief: Day 14

Day 14:  Family

This is what my family looks like today.  We will always carry Braelyn in our hearts and our minds every day.  She IS a part of our family.  The boys will grow up knowing they had an older sister, who is now an angel watching over them.  If you would have asked me 5 years ago if I could picture myself like this, back when we were struggling to get pregnant and making the decisions about infertility treatments I would have said you were crazy.  I am truly blessed and there is not one day that goes by that I forget that.  My story may not be perfect, but I am a better person because of it.  

www.carlymarieprojectheal.com

Capture Your Grief: Day 13

Day 13:  Book

I have not yet read this book, but I'm hopeful it will have some good insights.  I came across this book last week because someone I follow on Facebook mentioned a Christian radio station was giving these books away for free to people who had lost children.  I should be getting my copy in the mail soon and then hopefully I can find the time to sit down and read it.

www.carlymarieprojectheal.com

Capture Your Grief: Day 12

Day 12:  Article

I don't necessarily have one certain article that has made a huge difference to me.  I do like to read a lot of articles and blogs.  I have been following several blogs written by mothers who have lost children and those have brought me a sense of peace over the past few years.  I think it helps to know that I'm not the only one going through this process and sometimes it is good to see how others are dealing with loss.  I respect so many of these women who I follow because I know it's not an easy journey at all.

Instead of sharing an article today, I wanted to share a poem that I love.  We released Monarch Butterflies at Braelyn's memorial service, so this really touched me.

As you release this butterfly in honor of me, 
know that I'm with you and will always be.
Hold a hand, say a prayer, 
close your eyes and see me there.
Although you may feel a bit torn apart, 
please know that I'll be forever in your heart.
Now fly away butterfly as high as you can go, 
I'm right there with you more than you know.

www.carlymarieprojectheal.com

Capture Your Grief: Day 11

Day 11:  Emotional Triggers

I am in a very good place right now with the fact that I had a child who died.  As good of a place as one can be in I guess.  I know that having my two boys has really helped me heal a lot over the past 2 years.  This is not to say that I wish Braelyn was still here with us too, or that I'm completely over the fact that she is gone.  I will always have a special spot in my heart for her and I will think of her every single day until I die.  But I'm just not feeling as sad as I once did.  I am choosing to see that she changed me into a much better and compassionate person.  I am thankful for that.  She has made me more giving and willing to help others when I can.  I am thankful for that.  She has made me a better mother and I know that I have a sense of patience that I never had before...and I'm so thankful for this because I want to be the best mom possible for my children.

The trigger that I have is not really one that makes me angry or sad.  It just is one that makes me stop and really think.  My trigger is children who are the same age as Braelyn would have been.  Girls especially.  Every time I'm around one of them I really start to think about who she would be today if she was here.  Would she be playing with dolls and into the Disney Princesses?  Would she love to play outside?  Would she be starting preschool?  What would her personality be like?  I only know boy things in this house now, but I think about all of the girl stuff that would be littered around my house as well.  Like I said, I'm not sad or angry or jealous.  In fact, I kind of like seeing these girls because it really does make me stop and take a second to remember my daughter.  Some day when we are in Heaven I will learn what she likes and who she is.  But for now I'll just keep imagining.

Capture Your Grief: Day 10

Day 10:  Beliefs

I'm a few days behind on getting this posted, but I don't want to skip any of the days.

I truly believe that there is a greater purpose in life than just living and dying.  I believe we are here on this Earth to learn lessons, no matter how big or small.  And one day we will be reunited with our loved ones in Heaven.  I do not believe our God would intentionally cause pain on us.  I think he walked beside me in my process of grieving Braelyn and showed me love in many ways.  Right now I'm at a place where I can say that I'm glad if she can't be here with me that she is in Heaven.

www.carlymarieprojectheal.com