Dear Braelyn...

Dear Braelyn,

Today you would be 18 months old.  Wow!  The last year and a half have somehow managed to be both the fastest and slowest months of my life.  We miss you every single day, but we are still finding lots of happiness in life.  Your life and death taught us many valuable lessons.

I wonder what you would be like today if you had survived.  Would you be suffering with many developmental delays, or would you have overcome them to be a fairly normal 18 month old?  Would you be saying any words?  Or crawling or walking? After seeing how smiley your little brother is, I wonder what your smile would have looked like.  Would we be feeling sad for you every day that you couldn't be like other children?  Or would we be rejoicing that you were passing milestones that the doctors said you would never make?  We will never know...but I think God knew you would have a hard life if you had lived.  I think he didn't want to see you suffer so he took you to the best place anyone could ever be.  I'm grateful for that.

We are having so much fun with Cole.  He makes us think about you though.  But it's because of you we love him even more than we might have without knowing you.  We are more protective of him because we know how fragile life can be.  We slow down to take the time to interact with him because we only had 12 short hours with you.  You taught us how quick life can change without warning.  That we should cherish every single second of every day with our loved ones.  I will be forever thankful that you came into my life.  I would like to think I would have been a good mommy without ever knowing you, but I think you helped me to realize exactly the type of mom I want and need to be for Cole.  I hope someday he see's how lucky he is that we had you first.

It's so fun for us to watch Cole change every day, but it's hard to realize we won't ever have that same experience with you.  Last night something ironic happened.  I was listening to Pandora and Cole was sleeping.  I know he was sleeping pretty sound because I was doing things in the same room as him and I wasn't being overly quiet.  The song "If I Die Young" came on and at the same moment Cole woke up crying.  As soon as the song was over he was calm and sleepy again.  I can't help but to wonder if he somehow senses you.  I hope that he does!

Thank you for teaching me how to be a great mommy to Cole.  I'm forever indebted to you for that.  We were so blessed to have loved you first, sweet little girl!

Love, Mommy