Dreams for the Future

I borrowed this from someone else's blog that I follow, but I really liked everything it had to say.  Someday I will cherish the kids that are in my life.  I am thankful for the experiences that have made me who I am today and what kind of mom I will be in the future.  

My Dream

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. 

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. 

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better sister, a better daughter, neighbor, and friend because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. 

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

 - Unknown

Seems Impossible...if you know what I know

Ok, so I admit.  I watch the show on MTV called 16 and Pregnant.  I don't know why I continuously watch this show.  It's like a train wreck you can't look away from I guess.  Anyway, doesn't matter why I watch. :o)

On tonights episode the girl who was knocked up made a comment like "Who knew I could get pregnant by not taking my birth control pills for only 3 days."  WHAT!?  Hold the phone!  You probably think I'm trying to imply the girl is dumb to not know that she could get pregnant by skipping a pill here and there.  But that's not my point.  If you know all of the science that goes into having a baby you would find it amazing that someone could get pregnant in a random 3 day window.

Let me explain a bit.  Sorry if this is TMI.  So in order to get pregnant all the cards need to align just right.  Your body has to have just the right amount of hormones being produced, follicles need to be just the right size to release a healthy egg, then one healthy sperm must make it to the egg before the egg dies.  Ovulation happens so quickly each month, sometimes within hours you can miss your opportunity to become pregnant.  It's a miracle anyone has ever gotten pregnant with those odds.  Those are the facts that I'll share with you without going into too much detail.

For those of us who have gone through IVF, we know just how precise the timing has to be in order to get pregnant.  I can't even fathom what it would be like to be off of birth control for 3 days and get pregnant.  Instead, I have spent countless months trying to conceive, more medication and shots than I can count on two hands, hundreds of hours in a doctors office waiting room, and even a significant amount of time in the Operating Room.  I have become friends with nurses, feel like I have taken an advanced science course on human reproduction, I am known by name at the local pharmacy, and quite frankly feel like a celebrity every time I enter my OBGYN's office.  Not cool.  

I know life's not fair.  I'm not writing this to complain about some 16 year old getting pregnant and compare her life to mine.   (I'm sure my life still tops hers...).  I was just fascinated that someone could literally get pregnant in a random 3 day window.  Wow.

What NOT to say...

People can be so insensitive at times.  I think that when people know you have gone through something traumatic in your life they are not sure what to say when they see you.  I am not the best with words, but I know that if you tell someone you are sorry to hear about what they have gone through it goes a long way.  Never ever try to tell someone you know how they feel unless you have gone through the exact same situation.  Saying "I'm sorry about what you have gone through" should be all you need to say.  Unfortunately, some people are too dumb to keep it simple like that.

My family and close friends have been nothing but supportive.  I am so grateful to have all of them in my life.  It's partly because of all of you that I'm doing as well as I am today.  I really and truly am doing well.  I just wanted to write this entry partly to vent about dumb things that have been said to me and partly to reiterate how thankful I am for those in my life who are truly supportive and caring.

Here is my compiled list of what NOT to say to someone going through infertility treatments or loss of a child.  My sarcastic comments are in blue.

- "Wow, you lost all that baby weight really fast." (this was said to me about a month after I had Braelyn)  This was said to me from a guy I work with who was rubbing his stomach as he spoke these words.  Yeah, no shit I lost all that baby weight...my daughter only weighed one pound remember?

- "Just relax.  If you chill out you will be able to conceive faster."  I wish relaxation was the key to conceiving.  It'd be a hell of a lot cheaper.  

- "Take a vacation.  That'll help."  This would also be a cheaper option, if it WORKED!

- "If you conceive through IVF the first time then next time you can get pregnant naturally because your body will just know what to do."   Um...thanks doctor!  

- "If you adopt a child I bet you'll get pregnant on your own right away."  Yeah, because it makes sense to do it that way.  

- "You are still so young, you have plenty of time.  No need to rush it."  I'm 28...maybe you consider that young.  Regardless, maybe I want kids now and am not rushing into anything.  

- "How is your family planning going?"  I wanted so badly to respond, "oh it's going great, we try every 5 hours."  Come on people, if I'm not friends with you, don't ask about my sex life.  

- "Don't worry, someday you'll have kids and want to kill them like everyone else."  Well pretty sure this is the number one thing you shouldn't say to someone who had to remove their child from life support.  Dumb ass!  

- "I know exactly how you feel."  Oh do you?  Bet you don't.  

- Do not complain about your children and tell me I'm lucky not to have any.  I would give anything to have a child here on earth with me.  And I'm going to cherish every moment with my child.  They will never be a burden to me.  Maybe you need to quit being so lazy and try to be a good parent.  Then maybe your kids wouldn't annoy you so much. 

- Do not complain about being pregnant around me like it's the worst thing that could have happened to you.  Try laying upside down for 5 days, doped up on meds that feel like the worst case of the flu, not showering, being scared every minute for the health of your baby.  Now is walking around with a little extra weight and swollen feet really that bad?  

Sorry if my venting offended you at all.  That was not my intention.  I just think people should think before they speak.  I don't think people intend to offend me with their comments, but I'm really not sure how else to take them.  THINK PEOPLE!  It's really not that hard to do.  I don't pretend to know exactly how you feel in all of your life circumstances, so don't try to act like you know how I feel.  Thank you!  That is all.

Good Deed = Done (for now)

Ok, I know I promised to share my story about the person I chose to do a good deed for in my community. I swear I have been trying to carry out my random act of kindness for the past two weeks...the only problem was that the lady I chose was not at work any of the times I tried to do it.

Several weeks ago I was shopping at a store (that will remain nameless) in town and the cashier started talking to me about how her grandchildren were living in a home filled with domestic violence and DCFS was going to take them out of the home.  Instead of letting that happen, she took all three of them in.  They are all under the age of 5.  She said she took them in because she loves them and knew it was the right thing to do, but I could tell she was struggling.

When I prayed a couple of weeks ago about who to choose for my random act of kindness she immediately popped into my head.  I had never really talked to her before she told me the story about her grandchildren, but I do shop at this store frequently and she is always so friendly and cheerful.  I just knew she was the right person to pick.

During the past few weeks I have literally gone into this store 7 times looking for her.  She was not there any of the times I went.  I was starting to get frustrated and thought maybe she didn't work there anymore.  So I called the store and asked if a lady named "Sam" (name has been changed) worked there.  The guy on the other line said yes but he seemed freaked out that I was asking.  Then I asked if she was working right then, he said no.  I asked if she worked during the day or evening...again he was freaked out!  LOL.  So yesterday I decided to stop in the store around 7:30 a.m.   She wasn't there...darn it!  A little bit later in the day, Matt and I decided to run an errand.  I knew we could buy what we were looking for at this store, so I suggested we go there.  Right when we walked in she was there!

I was nervous about what I would say to her when I gave her the money and the letter I had written.  But somehow the words came.  I told her that I had been shopping in the store a few weeks earlier and she had shared her story with me about how she had taken in her grandchildren.  I told her I appreciated her sharing her story with me and admired her for what she was doing to care for the children.  I explained the I <3 MC program that our church was doing.  Then I handed her the envelope and asked her to accept the money I was giving to her.  I explained she could use it for anything: herself, the kids, groceries, gas, etc.

She was very appreciative.  She had tears in her eyes as she hugged me and said that she wasn't able to buy her grandkids Easter baskets the day before because they were so broke.  She said she had also been missing a lot of work due to the kids and she wasn't getting paid for those days.  It really made me feel good to know I had chosen someone who really could use the money.

I wrote her a letter that said the following and put it in the envelope with the money:

This month leading up to Easter Sunday, our church (Eastview Christian Church) has challenged the congregation to go out into the community and do something nice for someone else to show the love of Jesus.  We are calling it “I Love McLean County.”  

A few weeks ago I was shopping at *your store* and you shared your story with me about how you had taken in your three grandchildren due to unfortunate circumstances in their house.  I couldn’t help but to think what a sacrifice this was on your part, but an amazing one for sure.  It was clear to me during our short conversation that you have a lot of love for these children.  

My husband and I have been blessed many times in our life and we want to pay it forward to someone else.  I am honored that you chose to share part of your story with me a few weeks ago.  I prayed about who to reach out to as a part of this program, and you immediately came to mind.  Please take this money and use it for whatever you want/need.  If you want to treat yourself to something, use it for the kids, buy groceries, etc.  It’s completely up to you!  

We want you to know that Jesus loves you and those kids too!!  There is no pressure with this invitation, but if you would like to come to church, Eastview welcomes you.  They have an incredible kids program as well.  

You may still be wondering: “Why would someone I don’t know show me love like this?” Pretty ridiculous huh? It is just like the love that Jesus has given to each one of us! The act of love you just experienced is a simple way for the Christ-followers at Eastview Christian Church to love the people of McLean County in the name of Jesus. 

God bless. 

Like I said before, it felt awesome to do something nice for someone else.  I have truly been blessed in my life and I wanted to pass it on to someone who is struggling to make ends meet.  I still challenge the rest of you to go out and do a random act of kindness for a stranger.  I guarantee you will walk away from it feeling great!  (not sure what happened to this font...but I can't seem to change it...oh well)

Easter Reflections

This year, I gained an entirely new perspective of what Easter is really about.  I grew up going to church and I have always understood what the Easter story was and the significance of it in the Christian religion.  However, before this year I had never been a parent.  I can't imagine sacrificing my only child.  EVER!

If a doctor had approached me in the NICU and told me Braelyn could live if I would choose to die, I would have asked how quickly that could take place.  I would have made that choice in a second or less.  I fully understand sacrificing myself so that my child could live, but I don't understand from God's perspective as a "parent" sacrificing my child so others may live.  Don't get me wrong, I am forever grateful that God sent his only son to die on the cross so that we may all have eternal life and be reunited with loved ones again someday but I just don't think I could have done the same thing.  Maybe it's selfish human nature...or maybe it's just loving someone so much you don't want to let them go or see them suffer.

Today I listened more attentively in church than I ever have to the Easter story.  When you really think about what God did for us it is truly amazing.  I don't know any parents that would sacrifice their child, much less for the sake of other people who live in sin.

It's ironic how a situation so painful can make you open your eyes to what life is really about.  I will forever be grateful for Braelyn and her short time on Earth because it has re-opened my eyes to what it means to live as a Christian.  I have fallen away from that lifestyle, and I'm working hard to make up for lost time.

Happy Easter!  Thank you God for sacrificing your son so that I can someday see my baby and all of those that I love again!  Thank you Jesus for taking on all of the many sins of the world to give us eternal life!

Subject Chosen

A few posts ago I explained the I <3 MC program that our church was doing.  I said I wanted to do something for someone in our community, but I wasn't sure yet who I wanted to target.  Well this morning I prayed that God would lead me to someone who needed my help and to know the love of Jesus. As I was in the middle of praying a person came to mind.  I know for sure this is the person that God wants me to help.  Stay tuned for more...  I plan to do it either this week or next.  I can't wait!!

Maybe I Need A Chill Pill. Or Maybe I'm Just Crabby.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel "normal" again.  Although I try to have a positive attitude, well as positive as you can have after losing a child, I have found myself being frustrated three times specifically this past week when it comes to other people and their pregnancy or children.  Maybe I'm over reacting, and maybe you'll think I'm being too sensitive.  But, if you really know me, you'll know that I'm rarely too sensitive...  Let me explain the circumstances surrounding the crabbiness that I am currently feeling.

I'M CRABBY!

First, someone at work, who I thought was a friend of mine, is pregnant.  I found this out from another friend of ours a few months ago.  I thought at the time, she probably isn't telling people because she wasn't very far along, and thought she would tell me when she shared the news with everyone else.  I made it a point during the next several weeks to walk over to her desk and chat with her.  She talked about a lot of things, but no word about the pregnancy.  This is also a friend who went to lunch with me when I found out that I was pregnant with Braelyn and sat there and told me that her and her husband wanted to start trying soon too.  She told me that since they had just gotten married not too long ago, their parents were not enthusiastic about them trying so soon.  We talked about the excitement of wanting to have children and how it was her and her husbands decision, no one else's.  I thought I was a good support for her that day as she vented about things.  I told her I was excited and hoped that they didn't have to face infertility issues like we did.  Fast forward a few weeks after I heard about her being pregnant and after visiting her desk a few times to chat...and still no word about her pregnancy.  I just saw her yesterday walking by me in the hallway and she is visibly pregnant, no doubt about it.  I would guess she's about half way there.  I feel betrayed because it's like she avoids me so she won't have to talk about it.  Things have now become very awkward.  I am not sure if I should say congrats to her or not...it's one of those things that you normally don't comment on until someone tells you their news.  I realized I was angry because something that brings excitement to my friends is something that some of them will not share with me.  Matt says she probably just doesn't know what to say, but I still think she should say something.  I guess not everyone knows how to deal with someone whose baby died.  For now I'll just keep telling myself that she isn't saying anything to me because she's trying not to hurt my feelings...but I'm still mad.  In case any of my friends read this and I haven't already given them this message:  Please do not treat me different.  Please let me share in your excitement of pregnancy, having a baby, and raising your kids.  It's not like I expect people to stop having kids just because something bad happened to me.  I am offended by "friends" not telling me they are expecting.  That is all.

My second issue of the week may seem to contradict what I said in the paragraph above, but I'll try to explain it.  And I want to try and explain it so that my good friends will see that I do not ever want them to keep silent about their children around me (see message above).  I actually think this situation has more to do with the person who was talking than what she was really saying.  So at lunch a few days ago a person I know was talking all about her kids, which is fine.  But then it just did not stop.  This person talks about herself a lot anyway and I do get kind of annoyed about it in general.  She just kept going on and on about how small her kids used to be and how much they had grown.  We heard all about how tiny they were when she brought them home from the hospital (side note:  at least she got to bring them home from the hospital and I would bet "small" in her description was not the same as my "small") and how much they have grown in the last few years.  She was also telling us that when she looked at pictures of how they had grown she could just cry because they were getting older (side note:  at least she has pictures that span more than 12 hours of her children--children also being plural).  I think I'm sounding bitter right now, and maybe I am.  Like I said, I don't want my true friends to stop talking about their kids.  I love being around all of my friends and their children.  I think the main point I'm trying to make is that the people who are my true friends take into consideration my feelings and don't just blab on and on and on.  I just felt in this conversation the person had no regards for what I had gone through.  But then again, this person is someone who is a "me, me, me" person anyway.  Maybe I should have expected that...and maybe I need to avoid it in the future!  

The final thing that frustrated me this week was something that I have had to deal with many times so far after losing Brae.  And I'm sure until I have a child here on Earth with me, I'll have to keep facing.  It's the dreaded question of "do you have any children?".  I never know what to say!!  Part of me feels like I want to acknowledge Braelyn but I think I'll freak people out.  On the other hand, if I don't mention her I feel like I'm losing even more of her or denying that she existed.  I have read blogs of people who handle this situation both ways.  I guess it's just going to have to be a decision I make for myself when I'm ready.  For now I'll just go with a "not yet" and a smile. 

Geez, I sound like a complainer today, but everyone needs a chance to vent.  The situations I encountered this week have made me reflect even more on why I love the true friends and family in my life.  So for now, I'll focus on that positive!  Thanks for "listening" to me vent!  Time to go swallow that chill pill...