Capture Your Grief- Days 22-31

Day 22:  Words

I truly believe a person is a person at conception.  Miscarriages, stillborns, and premature babies who are born alive and pass away soon after are all people.  Please keep this in mind as you talk to parents who have lost a child.


Day 23:  Jewelry

I love this necklace that represents ALL of my children.


Day 24: Artwork

This is a shadowbox we made that contains many memories of Braelyn.  It hangs on the wall in our bedroom so we see a little piece of her each day.


Day 25:  Say It Out Loud

Something that I would say out loud to others going through this experience is:  Don't forget that just because you carry your baby in your heart and not in your arms, you are still a mom.  And you always will be.  Cherish that thought.


Day 26: Community

This baby loss community has become somewhat of a family to me.  I've met people from across the country who I've been able to connect with.  People who understand what I've been through.  People who accept my "style" of grief for what it is because everyone grieves differently and that's okay.  I would never wish for anyone to go through infertility or the loss of a child, but it has been touching to me that people who I don't even know have reached out to me in a time of need.  And I've tried to pay it forward to others by doing the same.


Day 27:  Signs

This butterfly bush was a gift to me to keep in my yard as a reminder of Braelyn.  It's so beautiful!  I love when it blooms each year and attracts all types of butterflies.  Whenever I see a Monarch butterfly it reminds me of Braelyn.


Day 28:  Special Place

Lake Evergreen.  It's even a beautiful place in wintertime.  This picture was taken on January 29, 2011...Braelyn's due date.


Day 29:  Healing

These two sweet boys have had the biggest impact in my healing process.  I know that not everyone is lucky enough after losing a child to go on and have another.  And I also recognize that one child absolutely does not replace another.  However, these boys have given me a huge sense of purpose in this world.  Without a doubt, Braelyn gave me the gift of being a much better mom because I really don't take anything for granted with these two.


Day 30:  Growth

I believe I have grown tremendously through the past 3 years since Braelyn died.  I could list many ways, but one of the most important things I've learned is that it's okay to laugh again and have fun.  I will always have a special place for Braelyn in my heart, but I have to continue on in this journey called life.  I felt guilty at first when I had happy moments after she died, but I quickly realized that she wouldn't want me to give up and be sad forever.  I am thankful to have moments of good in my life.


Day 31: Sunset

This has been a great project to work on for the month of October.  It's made me think about a lot of things and it's been very healing as well.  I hope you have enjoyed my pictures and also gotten some insight into my thoughts and feelings.

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I'm sorry that I'm not sorry...

I'm on a brief hiatus from the Capture Your Grief pictures, but I promise to finish up the month soon.

I had a thought today while I was home.  I have a friend coming over tonight that has never been to my house.  So my OCD self is trying to clean and straighten everything up so it looks perfect when she arrives.  This is ludicrous because Cole will have been home for a few hours by the time she arrives, and if you have or have had an almost 2 year old you know that you can spend hours cleaning and straightening only to have them destroy it in 30 seconds or less.  That's when it hit me.  I always find myself saying to people when they come over "sorry my house is a mess".

I think we have this idea of perfection in our heads.  That things always have to be just in their proper place and no dust must be showing when people come over.  However, in reality, it's so hard to keep up with cleaning and organizing when there are more important priorities, like you know, keeping the kids fed and bathed.  I do like my house to be presentable when people come over.  But you know what?  I'm going to stop saying sorry that my house is not perfect.  Because it is.  It may not be perfect in the sense that the furniture is freshly dusted and the floors are mopped, but it's perfect because it's lived in.  I dreamed for years of having kids in this house.  So I'm going to enjoy every second of tripping over another matchbox car and having to jump over the play mat on the floor.

I am so thankful for the opportunity to raise these two precious boys in a house full of toys!

Disaster Zone!

Capture Your Grief: Day 21

Day 21:  Honor

Every year on Braelyn's birthday we do something nice for someone else in our community.  I love this tradition and it's a great way to remember the impact she had on our lives.  Eventually I want each of my boys to choose something to do in the month of October to help someone else.  I can't wait to see what ideas they come up with!  For Braelyn's 2nd birthday we chose to take part in an organization called Teeny Tears.  With the help of friends, we cut and sewed 545 diapers and 10 blankets to donate to local hospitals for babies who are born prematurely and pass away.  It felt so good to honor Braelyn but at the same time help others who are going through the same process that we did.  You can check out more about Teeny Tears here:  www.teenytears.blogspot.com

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Capture Your Grief: Day 20

Day 20:  Hope

My hope for the people who are walking down the same path I was (infertility and the loss of their first child), is that some day they will have the family they always dreamed of.  When Braelyn died I knew that in order to get pregnant again I'd have to go through IVF.  At that time it seemed to me that I would never have a family or if I did one day it was going to be so far off in the future.  It's much easier to be standing in my shoes today and looking back because I have these two precious boys.  I know in 2010 I felt hopeless in a way.  That I would never have the moment to really be a mom and bring a baby home with me.  I am so blessed beyond words today.  My hope is that these grieving mothers will have babies in the future to bring home, dress up, play with, and most importantly be able to wrap their arms around them every single day.  These rainbow babies certainly do not take the place of the babies we have lost but it makes our journey here on earth easier to bear until we get to heaven and are reunited again.

www.carlymarieprojectheal.com

Capture Your Grief: Day 19

Day 19:  Support

There were a lot of people who were there for me during my time of grief after losing Braelyn.  And I love and appreciate all of them so much.  But today, I wanted to share a picture of my dog, Ritz.  He was such a comfort to me after we came home from the hospital without a baby.  He would lay in bed with me when I was feeling sad.  He would stay by my side every day until I was ready to leave the house again.  He would cuddle with me and make me feel loved.  I always say that Ritz was my first baby, and he lived up to that title.  He was there for me and loved me no matter what.  I feel like I have an even more special bond with Ritz because I think he could feel the sadness of my heart at that time.  He knew what I needed and he stuck by my side. 

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Capture Your Grief: Day 18

Day 18:  Release

This is a picture of me after I was life flighted to another hospital, one that had a NICU.  I thank God every day that I was able to make it to this hospital so that when Braelyn was born she had every chance possible to live.  I think I would have had major regrets had we not been taken to this hospital and we just were able to hold her after her birth and watch her die.  I feel like we did everything that was in our control to save her, and I can't feel badly about that.

I do have some regrets when it comes to my whole experience with Braelyn.  I don't stress over them on a daily basis, but when I think back about those 5 days there are things I would have done differently.  I can't change the past, but I have learned from it.

One regret I have is that it felt like complete chaos to me for the 5 days I was in the hospital.  Looking back I wish I would have been more vocal about some of the things that were bothering me instead of just trying to be polite and not hurt anyones feelings.  I admit that I had some very bitter feelings coming out of this experience that I didn't deal with for a lot of years.  I lived with a lot of anger and resentment from certain things that occurred.  But, I am in a much better place now, thank goodness.

Another regret I have is that I wish I would have been able to let some of our family say goodbye to Braelyn.  I feel like everything just happened so quickly that I wasn't able to think straight.  Matt and I knew she was very sick from the beginning but I felt like we had more time.  I think I was subconsciously choosing not to think about the worst possible outcome, maybe you can call that denial.  We were in my post-partum room and her NICU doctor came to us and told us we should come see her.  He didn't say she was dying, but we kind of knew it.  We went straight up to her room and the doctor told us that he had tried everything to save her.  He said there was only one other option and we agreed to try it.  He said it was something that was not proven to work and that they didn't know if there would be lasting effects from it, but we didn't have any other choice.  We told him to go ahead and he did the procedure while we were in there.  It only took a few minutes for him to tell us that it didn't work.  We knew that was it.  We could leave her on life support or take her off.  We didn't even talk about it.  We just knew in our hearts the right thing to do was to take her off of it.  I hope no one would judge us for making that choice, because trust me, it wasn't one I was ever prepared to make, and especially with a moments notice.  We asked them to remove all of her tubes and wires so we could hold her and really see her.  We held on to her tiny little body and waited for her heart to stop beating.  It was so hard to sit and wait for those minutes to pass by.  I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone in this world.  I wish we had more time with Braelyn for family to have been able to visit her again and to talk to her and tell her how loved she was.  I am grateful our family did get to come into her room and see her after she was born...I just wish we had more time.

One other regret I have is that I wish I would have been able to spend more time in Braelyn's NICU room.  After I gave birth to her I had to wait awhile before they would take me to see her.  I had been on heavy doses of drugs for 5 days and a very rough birth experience.  I'm sure the doctors and nurses were trying to make sure I was okay before they sent me across the hospital.  I was finally taken to her room to see her for a little bit, but then was taken to my post-partum room.  I spent some time in there trying to pump some milk to feed her, I was eating, and I even took a shower (which was the best shower of my life after laying in a bed for 5 days straight).  I know these are not rational thoughts, but when I think back, I think to myself, what was I doing?  What kind of mom spends time eating and showering when her baby is so sick and dying in another room?  I have tried to think back and remember if I wasn't in Braelyn's room because the nurses were telling me to stay in my room to recover or if it was just because I thought I had more time.  I can't remember why I was not in her room.  I do know that it was very hard for me to even think straight about anything that day.  It all felt like a blur and mass confusion.  But what kind of mom doesn't stay by her daughters side.  What kind of mom lets other people stop her from that?  I know that no one could keep me from my son's if something were to happen to them.  They would have to tie me down and even then I'd fight to get to them.  I don't know why I didn't do the same for my daughter.  I think it boils down to the thought that I had more time...but we just didn't.

I've never shared these regrets before.  I feel like this Capture Your Grief thing has been good for me.  I am in a very good place today with my experiences.  I know that there is nothing I can do to change what is in the past.  I am just trying to live my life now based on what I have learned from it.  Thanks to Braelyn, I know I'm the best mom I can be to these two little guys that God has blessed me with.


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Capture Your Grief: Day 17

Day 17:  Time

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