Mother's Day 2015

As I reflect on what Mother's Day means to me today, I think about the amazing mothers (my mom and my grandma) that I had the privilege of learning from.  Both were selfless and did everything they could for their families.  They raised us with great values and taught us to do good for others.  We also had a lot of fun.  I realize in this broken world just how lucky we are.  I wish my grandma was still here to see my boys and be a direct part of their lives.  And mom, THANK YOU doesn't do justice to what I want to say to you.  

I always wanted to be a mom.  But mostly just because that was the next destination in life to get to.  You know, after school, graduation, getting a job, getting married....you just had kids next.  When we struggled to have kids my perspective changed.  I no longer wanted kids just because it was the next thing to check off of my list, but because I feared never having the chance to be to someone what my mom was to me.  I wanted to feel the bond between and mom and her children. 

When I got pregnant with Braelyn I felt like the entire world of being a mom was ahead of me, carefree and fun.  She held so many hopes and dreams for us.  She was the one who made me a mom for the first time and there is something so special about that.  When she was born early and died so shortly after my heart was shattered into a million pieces.  It'll always have a missing piece because of her, but she is the one who solely transformed my heart into wanting children for a totally different reason.  She will always be a very important part of my journey in life.

My boy Cole.  He has healed my heart in ways I never thought possible after losing a baby.  He has brought me so much joy and pure happiness.  I love everything about him.  I got to experience every "first" with him.  I get to continuously watch him grow and navigate life in front of him.  I get to answer his "why" question a million times a day.  I have the privilege of steering him towards having a heart for Jesus.  Each day when he tells me a hundred times that he loves me I realize just how incredible it is to be someones mom.  

And then there is Clay.  The unexpected gift in our lives.  The one who we never thought we'd have.  Sometimes God works in very mysterious ways.  We thought just having one kid was going to be okay after the heartbreak we had endured.  But God knew our family wasn't going to be complete without Clay.  This little monster has the cutest laugh of anyone I know.  He can melt your heart with his smile and that dimple in his chin.  He's got a wild streak too, but I love his determination.  I'm so lucky to have him as my son and the baby of our family.

Lots of thoughts run through my head on days like today.  About how much I'm missing, but at the same time just how much I've been blessed with.  This life wasn't meant to be easy and it hasn't been for us.  But that makes the rewards so much sweeter when you have been through the pain.  Today I'm so thankful to have a mom who loves me unconditionally and to be a mom to my sweet baby girl and two rambunctious boys.  

We had a wonderful weekend filled with a trip to the zoo, some awesome home improvements done by Matt, breakfast out, a photography class, a visit to Braelyn's spot out at Lake Evergreen, and some mud puddle jumping.  I couldn't have asked for more.

For all of you mom's out there, I hope today was amazing for you.  I hope you were reminded of the very important role you play in the lives of your children.  For those missing their mom's on a day like today, I hope you were reminded of some very special memories the two of you shared.  For those who are still waiting desperately to become a mom, I pray that day will come very soon for you.  

I leave you with some pictures of my special weekend. 

My freshly painted front door - Thanks Matt! 

Sitting in Braelyn's spot at the lake

Sister Love

I hate that neither of my boys will ever meet their sister here on this Earth.  I'll never have a picture that includes all three of my kiddos together.  I'll never hear them interact with each other.  I'll never see my boys form a special bond with their big sister. 

But, their hearts are a bit more protected from the sting of death since they came after her.  They are sheltered from the grief that I felt so intensely after Braelyn died.  They have received a new kind of love from their mom, one that could only be formed after the death of a child who came before them. 

I've really struggled with knowing what to say to Cole (and someday when he understands more, Clay too) about his sister.  I decided that being open and honest will probably serve best in this situation.  I've been telling Cole for quite some time that he has a sister and that she died and lives in Heaven with Jesus.  He knows her name and frequently speaks of her.  We have a blanket that Braelyn was wrapped up in as we held her when she passed away.  Cole now sleeps with his sisters blanket and he knows it's special.

Just last week he told me on the car ride home from daycare that he was going to go to Heaven on Saturday to play tractors with Braelyn because he thinks she will like that.  My first thought was oh I hope he's not going to Heaven anytime soon because I couldn't bear to lose him.  But that thought was quickly followed by a sense of peace that he's already starting to grasp the concept of Heaven and also that he "knows" his sister. 

I have shown Cole pictures of Braelyn.  At first I was uncomfortable thinking about showing them to him because she was very tiny and hooked up to a lot of machines.  Not your typical baby picture.  I worried that maybe seeing the pictures would be too much for him.  But ultimately I decided that it may make it more real to him to see a physical picture of his sister.  He always tells me that when he sees Braelyn he will hold her and not drop her because she is a tiny baby.  He sometimes asks to see more pictures of her and I always show him when he asks.  It helps to open up the conversation for us.

A few weeks ago our sitter had to put her cat to sleep.  This cat was about 17 years old I think, and the boys loved him (even though I'm not too sure the cat had a mutual feeling)!  Obviously our sitter loved this dear cat and was very sad the day she had to have him put to sleep.  Cole and I talked about how this cat died but how he was in Heaven and it was a wonderful time for the cat, even though the people on Earth were sad.  A few days after this, Cole was at daycare and his sitter was explaining to another kid about how her cat had died and she was very sad.  Cole listened to the entire conversation and then gently put his hand on our sitters leg and told her that it was okay because his sister, Braelyn was taking care of him.  Makes me tear up just thinking about that sweet little boys heart and how he really is understanding what we talk about. 

There is definitely no protocol on how you are supposed to go about teaching your kids about death, Heaven, big sisters who they've never met, or angels.  But based on some of the conversations I've been having with Cole over the last few weeks I can see that he's beginning to understand.  He's listening and taking it all in.  My hope is that someday he can feel his sisters presence in his life and become a better person because of it.  I do pray that someday we are all joined together as a big happy family in Heaven. 

Have you had to talk to your kids about losing a sibling or another close family member?  What did you find to be beneficial in doing so?  I would love to find a book about Heaven that a 3 year old could understand and read it to him, but I haven't found one I love yet.  Any suggestions? 

This is a picture that Cole drew for me and he said its him holding Braelyn :o)

Great Things

Today at church we sang a song called "Great Things (Worth It All)".  This song really hit home to me.  How many of you have or are going through hard times?  You might feel alone, weak and vulnerable.  You might feel like life's circumstances have left you with some pretty ugly scars that you can't cover up.  

I can speak from my own situation by saying that it's not easy to fight your way out of darkness at times.  But God is always with you.  For me, had I not been faced with steep mountains in front of me when I least expected it I would not appreciate where I am today.  My relationship with Jesus is growing each day because I know that He is doing great things in my life.  Is my life perfect?  Not by any means.  The Earth is full of sin and darkness, but Jesus came to show us the light and what is to come.

I just want to take a minute today to challenge you to sing of the greatness of Jesus, even in trying times.  He promises to bring beauty from devastation if we trust in his promises.  


"Great Things (Worth It All)"

Thank You for the wilderness
Where I learned to thirst for Your presence
If I'd never known that place
How could I have known You are better?

Thank You for the lonely times
When I learned to live in the silence
As the other voices fade
I can hear You calling me, Jesus

And it's worth it all just to know You more

You've done great things
Jesus, Your love never fails me
My soul will sing you have done great things

Thank You for the scars I bear
They declare that You are my healer
How could I have seen your strength
If You never showed me my weakness?

And it's worth it all, just to know You more

You've done great things
Jesus, Your love never fails me
My soul will sing You have done great things

You've done great things
In weakness, You are my victory
My soul will sing You have done great things

Through the fire and the flood You have never let me go
And my soul sing You have done great things
I am weak, You are strong
You will always be my hope
And my soul will sing You have done great things

Through the fire and the flood You have never let me go
And my soul will sing You have done great things
I am weak, You are strong
You will always be my hope
And my soul will sing You have done great things

You've done great things
Jesus, Your love never fails me
My soul will sing You have done great things

You've done great things
In weakness, You are my victory
My soul will sing You have done great things

The Pants

Spring cleaning.  Seems like every year when the promise of warmer weather comes I get the itch to clean and organize our home.  For those of you that really know me, you know that I don't like to hang on to stuff we don't use.  (Now don't judge if you see my living room with the toy explosion...I never can seem to get that stuff organized or purged properly)  A few weeks back I decided it was time to go through my closet.

Rewind to October 8, 2010.  I found myself wandering aimlessly around the mall.  It was an out of body experience.  My daughter just died the day before and here I was shopping.  In a way it was nice to get out of the house and do something "normal" to keep my mind from wandering. But I was seeing for the first time how life goes on so easily when I felt like my world had stopped spinning.  Matt took my hand and led me to a few stores.  I needed to find something to wear for Braelyn's funeral.  Sure, I had some nice clothes at home, but my stupid body was still shaped like I should be carrying a 24 week old baby inside.  None of my pants fit.  And I wanted to have a nice new shirt to wear to honor her.   We emerged from the mall with a few bags of clothes for both of us.  I don't know how long we were there or what stores we went into.  I just know that we came out with what we needed.

After that funeral day, my weight was up and down each time we did another infertility treatment or I got pregnant again.  The only other time I wore those pants was 3 weeks after Braelyn's funeral, when my grandma suddenly passed away and I needed something to wear to her funeral.  Since then they have been hanging in my closet staring at me every day when I get ready for work.  I look at them, think about her, and then quickly get dressed.  The question has been on my mind for a while...what should I do with these pants?  They don't fit me.  I won't wear them again.  But they hold a piece of her memory for me.

In my frenzy to clear out old clothes from my closet a few weeks ago I pushed myself to sell these pants, along with a few other pairs of dress pants.  I held onto them for awhile making sure I should really do this.  But I knew it was time.  Time for someone to get use out of them.  Time for them to stop staring at me each day as I get dressed.  Time for me to heal some more.

A lady emailed me to see if she could take the pants home for her daughter to try on and then she could let me know if her daughter wanted them or not.  I agreed to it.  I didn't hear from the lady for a few days and during that time I decided that if they didn't sell I was going to hang them back up in my closet and wait a little bit longer before I could make a true decision on what to do with them.  This may sound silly, but I prayed about the pants.  Prayed that I would be okay if the lady decided to keep them.

I got the email today.  She wants them.  Her daughter really liked them and was excited to have new pants.  They are just a pair of pants.  They shouldn't mean anything to me.  But they do.  Obviously I can't go back on my sale.  I'd sound crazy if I tried to reason why I needed them back.  A part of me was sad I had decided to sell them.  After all, I don't have many physical reminders or things that were a part of my experience with Braelyn.

But then I really got to thinking about why I should be okay with letting them go.  Reasoning with myself that this was the way it's meant to work out.  My take away is that this is just a mere earthly possession.  Yes, it's a tangible reminder to me of her.  But someday when I go to Heaven, I won't need "things" to fill that void.  I'll be re-joined with her and I can spend eternity there.  I won't need those pants to be a reminder of what I lost because in Christ I have actually gained being able to be with her forever.   But until that day comes, I will still have the shirt.

Beauty through pain

When you were not allowed to have many milestones with a loved one, you hold on to the ones that may seem insignificant.   Four years ago today was the day we were supposed to be celebrating her birth, a day that was supposed to unpack the beginning of the rest of our lives as parents.  But instead it's a missed milestone.  We can only imagine the excitement that this day could have brought.  How would our lives be different if she came on a cold January day instead of that beautiful fall day? 

The reality is that our lives ARE different because she existed.  Different in the best possible way.  She may not always be the first thought on my mind when i wake up every morning anymore, but she is in my thoughts every day.  As time progresses some of the memories are not as vivid.  Maybe it's designed to work that way so you don't lose yourself in grief. 

As Braelyn's mom, I share the significance of this date with you because I always want her to be remembered.  I want you to keep your perspective on what is really important in life.  Realize that life is sprinkled with sadness and moments you did not plan, but you have a choice in how you react.  Choose to live life to the fullest, choose to see the beauty that is in front of you.  Choose to move forward - even if it means dragging yourself through hard days until it just becomes routine and then someday you wake up and navigate your way through your day without the sadness overwhelming you.  You get to your new normal...and sometimes, if you really choose to see it this way, your new normal can be more beautiful than you ever imagined. 

In with the new!

A new year is upon us.  I don't know if I'm the only one who feels this way, but man, 2014 went fast.  Maybe it's because I have two toddlers running around and always keeping me on my toes...but whatever it is, time can slow down for a bit and I'd be happy about it.

Reflecting back, 2014 was a good year for us.  The boys are healthy, growing, and learning.  Matt and I both took new positions at work that we are excited about.  We spent a lot of time with family and friends, even gained a sister-in-law.  We got back into a rhythm of going to church.  And in between all of that we had a lot of everyday living...sometimes mundane, and sometimes pure chaos.

I've never really been one to set resolutions for the new year, because I feel like it's always my goal to strive to be a better person and meet whatever goals I have set in my mind.  But this year, I feel like I want to list out some of the things I'd like to accomplish and that way I have it in writing to reflect back on as the year comes to a close. (These are in no particular order of importance)

• Relish in the every day moments.  Have more patience with everyone around me and wisdom to see teaching moments for my kids instead of just saying "no".  Sometimes I get caught up in the craziness that washes over our household with two working parents and two toddlers.  It sometimes seems impossible to accomplish anything at all in a day when the kids are home.  They are needy.  They are messy.  They are loud.  But- I desperately want to slow down and soak up every moment of this because this is LIFE.  This is what I was fighting for the last 5 years for.  This is imperfectly perfect.  I know that all too soon they will be grown and out of this house.  I want to slow down and take notice of the small and seemingly insignificant moments because one day those will be the significant memories and traditions and things the kids reflect back on.  

• Read the Bible the entire way through.  I am following an app on my iPhone that will guide me through this.  If you want to check it out, it's called She Reads Truth.  They have other studies that I've followed that are great as well.  This particular Bible study is broken down into  short sections of verse that are quick to read and you can even check off that you've read and it will show you the progress that you have made.  So far, I'm only a few days in, but I've already learned something new.  

• Be more encouraging to friends and family in their trials of life.  We all know that I've been through some really dark times in the last few years.  And during some of those times I've had amazing friends and family checking in on me and just letting me be me.  One thing that is so important to me in life is making connections with others.  I am normally good at checking in on people and being an encourager, but this year I want to focus even more on that.  I want to be more proactive in being a caring, comforting, encouraging friend and family member.  

• Limit my "tech time".  I want to put down my phone and lessen my time on social media to really take in and enjoy every moment in life.  This resolution kind of goes with the one above. I'm not saying I'm shutting down my Facebook account or anything that drastic...but if I miss something important that you've posted or it takes me awhile to comment or like something, please forgive me!  

• Continue to stay the course for Financial Peace.   We took the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace course last year.  We learned a TON during the 8 week class and we've really gotten serious about where we want to be in a year, 5 years, 10 years, and even all the way at retirement.  We made huge strides to become financially secure last year...and I want us to continue following the "Baby Steps" to meet each goal that we have set.  (By the way, if you have not taken this course I would strongly recommend it...even if you think you are already good with your money.  We thought we were good managers of our money, but this course has really changed our lives!)

• Improve my marriage.  This is not what you are thinking.  Matt and I have a pretty strong marriage.  But I think there are always things that can be done to improve.  This is mostly about me wanting to be the best wife I can be for Matt.  I want to take more responsibility to be supportive and encouraging to him.  I want to be there for him and help him to meet his goals.  I want to engage in more meaningful conversation with him.  I want to continue to grow together and make memories with our family.  

• Eat healthier and drink more water.  We are off to a good start this new year with trying out healthier recipes.  We've been trying to cut out some of the gluten we eat (let's be real...we're not getting rid of all of it) and eating more veggies and meat.  I want to experiment with different healthy snack recipes for the boys.  So far I'm 0 for 4 with Cole...but on a brighter note, Clay has liked everything I made.  I am terrible at drinking a lot of water during the day.  I don't drink much in place of water, I realized I just get so busy I forget to drink.  However, I want to make an effort to down more water each day because I know it's really good for overall health.  

• Learn and grow in my career.  As I stated above, I got a new position at work and while it's in a familiar area, there is a lot to learn.  I want to remain open to the challenges of growing and learning.  I need to keep in mind that when things seem hard and overwhelming it's because you are evolving to be a better employee.  Every hard moment is one that you can keep as experience to get to where you are going in the end.  I want this to be a year of working with new people and getting to know others.  Maybe even making some new friends! 

This is a year of personal growth for me.  I can feel it.  I want to be the best I can be not only for myself, but for those around me who are so important in my life.  

I haven't had much time to read in the past couple of years, but lately I've come across some quick reads that have made an impact on me.  Books that have inspired me to be the best I can be...and to do that turn to God and shape my life around him.  Check these out if you have time...and if you do read one of them, I'd be curious to see what you think when you are done.

The Hardest Peace:  http://www.mundanefaithfulness.com/the-hardest-peace-book/

The Best Yes:  http://thebestyes.com

One Thousand Gifts:  http://onethousandgifts.com

Have you made new year resolutions or set any goals?  I hope that 2015 is an amazing year for all of my friends and family!  I'm looking forward to making many new and exciting memories this year!

Braelyn's 4th Birthday

Today our sweet girl would have turned 4.   The last four years have flown by and gone in slow motion all at the same time.  It's hard to imagine what the dynamic of our household would be with a 4 year old girl in it.  I'm sure we'd be into the Frozen themed everything phase and lots of pink and purple.  Instead we are driving tractors, throwing stuff, and getting super dirty around here.  And as much as I'd love to do the girlie stuff, I'm really happy with the way our lives are evolving.  But we still do miss our girl.

This has been a day of much reflection for me.  I have thought about all of the moments of her birth and the hours that followed.  We are already past the time today when she took her last breaths in our arms.  12 hours and 23 minutes on Earth is just not enough time to do or say everything you want to with someone you love.  I've had many moments over the last 4 years where I think back on this day and there are so many things I would have done differently.  I try not to get caught up in those thoughts because I can't do anything to change that day.  But there were some absolutely perfect minutes on October 7, 2010, even though we knew in our hearts the outcome was going to be what we had hoped and dreamed it would be.

As many of you know, each year we choose something to do for others around us.  This year we chose to donate craft supplies and toys to St. Jude's in Peoria.  I knew that we'd have friends and family who would want to pitch in to remember Braelyn and help others...but I can honestly say that I'm blown away beyond belief at what WE ALL accomplished.  Matt, the boys and I drove to Peoria today with a car full of about $1,000 worth of stuff.  What an amazing amazing feeling.  I was so proud to be trusted with your money and things you bought and thrilled to gift them to St. Jude's.  We could not have fit one more item in our car today!  Our car looked like we were moving and each of the boys had tons of stuff stacked around them.  I did communicate ahead of time with the Child Life Specialist that we had a TON of stuff to bring...but by seeing the look on her face I don't think she realized just how much I meant.  It took 4 wagon loads, several arm fulls, and a fully packed wheelchair to get it all inside to the clinic.  They were so appreciative you guys!

After dropping the stuff off at the clinic, my boys and I headed to McDonald's (or Mickey Donalds as Cole refers to it) to get some pancakes and then on to the CAT Visitor Center to play on some tractors and burn off some energy.  It was a really nice day to spend time together.  Tonight we plan to eat some ice cream (Cole has requested blue ice cream...yuck) and talk more about Braelyn.

This year has been bittersweet because Cole is starting to talk about Braelyn.  I want him to know that he has a sister and I want to show him that because of her we know we can push ourselves to be better people all the time.  He talks about how Braelyn was a tiny baby and how he would hold her and not drop her.  He talks about how she lives in the clouds/heaven/with Jesus.  If you ask him if he has a sister he will loudly tell you yes, her name is Braelyn.  And he talked non-stop the whole way to Peoria about making a donation to the sick kids because of Braelyn.  He even said inside the clinic today "Where are the sick kids?  We are gonna make them happy."  Yep, buddy...I think it's safe to say we made a lot of kids very happy today.

Thank you again to everyone who has supported us and loved us throughout the last 4 years.  We would not be where we are today without all of you in our lives.  Each text message, card, note on Facebook, and donation that were made this year on her 4th birthday has touched us greatly.  I hope that you will all continue to remember Braelyn during her 4th year, and we look forward already to thinking of an idea to celebrate #5 next year.  

I'll leave you with the lyrics to a song that I just love.  Every time I hear it, it makes me think about Braelyn and wonder who she would have been if she were here today.

"Gone Too Soon" by Daughtry

Today could have been the day,

That you blow out your candles,

Make a wish as you close your eyes.

Today could have been the day,

Everybody was laughing,

Instead I just sit here and cry,

Who would you be?

What would you look like,

When you looked at me for the very first time?

Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,

That I don't think of you,

I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,

Such a ray of light we never knew,

Gone too soon, yeah.

Would you have been president

Or a painter, an author, or sing like your mother?

One thing is evident,

Would've given all I had,

Would've loved you like no other.

Who would you be,
What would you look like,
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.