One Year Ago...

...my baby boy came into existence!

On 4/10 we had the egg retrieval and fertilization was done
(even though the picture was taken on 4/15)

Dear Braelyn...

Dear Braelyn,

Today you would be 18 months old.  Wow!  The last year and a half have somehow managed to be both the fastest and slowest months of my life.  We miss you every single day, but we are still finding lots of happiness in life.  Your life and death taught us many valuable lessons.

I wonder what you would be like today if you had survived.  Would you be suffering with many developmental delays, or would you have overcome them to be a fairly normal 18 month old?  Would you be saying any words?  Or crawling or walking? After seeing how smiley your little brother is, I wonder what your smile would have looked like.  Would we be feeling sad for you every day that you couldn't be like other children?  Or would we be rejoicing that you were passing milestones that the doctors said you would never make?  We will never know...but I think God knew you would have a hard life if you had lived.  I think he didn't want to see you suffer so he took you to the best place anyone could ever be.  I'm grateful for that.

We are having so much fun with Cole.  He makes us think about you though.  But it's because of you we love him even more than we might have without knowing you.  We are more protective of him because we know how fragile life can be.  We slow down to take the time to interact with him because we only had 12 short hours with you.  You taught us how quick life can change without warning.  That we should cherish every single second of every day with our loved ones.  I will be forever thankful that you came into my life.  I would like to think I would have been a good mommy without ever knowing you, but I think you helped me to realize exactly the type of mom I want and need to be for Cole.  I hope someday he see's how lucky he is that we had you first.

It's so fun for us to watch Cole change every day, but it's hard to realize we won't ever have that same experience with you.  Last night something ironic happened.  I was listening to Pandora and Cole was sleeping.  I know he was sleeping pretty sound because I was doing things in the same room as him and I wasn't being overly quiet.  The song "If I Die Young" came on and at the same moment Cole woke up crying.  As soon as the song was over he was calm and sleepy again.  I can't help but to wonder if he somehow senses you.  I hope that he does!

Thank you for teaching me how to be a great mommy to Cole.  I'm forever indebted to you for that.  We were so blessed to have loved you first, sweet little girl!

Love, Mommy

I Know the Feeling...

So this is "old news" you are probably going to say, but I wanted to write an entry about the Duggar's losing their baby. I don't watch 19 Kids and Counting all of the time, but every now and then I will catch an episode. I go back and forth on my feelings about their family, but overall I do have respect for them.

I am guilty of saying they need to quit having kids. 19 is sooo many! However, part of the underlying reason I have probably said that is out of jealousy. NO, NO... Not because I want 19 children of my own. Let me explain! It's because I would love to have another child someday and I'm not positive that will happen. I'm envious that Mrs. Duggar can so easily get pregnant. Oh well...I know that God must be teaching me some different lessons than those the Duggar's are learning. I digress on the subject of having 19 kids. :)

I don't know how many of you watched the episode where Mrs. Duggar goes in for her ultrasound on child #20 and finds out there is no heartbeat. I happened to watch this one. I had a hard time holding back the tears. There are so many critics of the show and of the family itself, but losing a child is hard for anyone, no matter who you are. Watching Mrs. Duggar get the news that her child was no longer alive and watching her tell her family hit way too close to home. I hurt for her. The pain you could see in her eyes was so sad. I realized that good ole infertile me and the lady who has 19 kids have something in common. We carry the same sadness in our hearts. People can criticize away and say she shouldn't have been pregnant in the first place and she doesn't need any more kids, but he fact is that she was pregnant and she no longer has that precious little baby. People should show some sympathy.

I respect this family because I feel like they have instilled great values in their children. They have a lot of love in their family and they also are providing for their kids without the help of our government. So if they want to have 20 kids then who are we to judge. How many people do we all know that shouldn't be parents because they neglect or constantly criticize their kids. Or how many do we know that are on governmental assistance for whatever reason? I give them credit for caring and providing for their family.

I'm not wanting to start a debate about how we all view the family, I just simply wanted to make note that I know the exact feelings that Mrs. Duggar must have felt after losing her daughter. And whether it's your first or 20th kid I would imagine it doesn't hurt any different. I also admire the way Mrs. Duggar has handled the situation. She has put it in God's hands, realizing He is the ultimate being who gives and takes. One day I know both of us will be reunited with our "little" girls.

3 Months!

I assure you these pictures were taken on the day Cole turned 3 months...I'm just behind in posting :o)

God is Good

As I stood in the shower this morning I had a flashback to the days right after we lost Braelyn.  I remember just standing in the shower each morning crying and feeling sad.  I knew each day as I cried I needed to remember to be thankful for what God had given to me.  Even though I lost Braelyn I knew that I had always lived a blessed life.  For a week or two after Braelyn died I let myself cry through my shower, but then I made myself suck it up and make the conscious decision to keep going each day.

Right after I thought about Braelyn this morning, I started thinking about how much joy Cole has brought into my life, even just in 3 quick months.  I literally cannot imagine my life without him.  I don't know what I did before he was here with me and I can't wait to share in so many fun times and make special memories with him.  I just couldn't get over the fact that I am so lucky and happy.  I knew I would find true happiness again after we lost Braelyn, but about 18 months ago I would have had a hard time being convinced it could be so soon.  God has truly blessed me again!

Each time I think about Braelyn I feel so lucky that she entered our lives.  She was a much wanted and already loved little girl.  Even though our time on Earth with her was so short she managed to teach Matt and I about what true love is.  She actually taught us many lessons that we quite possibly could have spent the rest of our lives trying to learn.  Mostly though, I'm so thankful to her for helping us have Cole.  What I mean is without her being born so early and leaving us after only 12 hours we would have never had Cole in our life.  If I had carried Braelyn to full term and she was born at the end of January 2010, we would have never in a million years been ready to do IVF again by April 2010.  Therefore, there would be no Cole.  I'm sure we would have tried IVF again sometime after she was born, but whatever child we would have gotten would not be my sweet little boy.  I don't even know if that makes sense to anyone, but to me I feel like she was given to us by God to teach us some lessons but also in order to set it up so Cole would be ours.  Do I wish things had played out differently with Braelyn?  Of course I do.  I would never have wished to lose her.   But I always try to find the positives in situations and I know for a fact she helped us to be able to pave the way for baby Cole.

I can't wait for Cole to get a bit older so we can tell him about his sister and how special of a role she played in all of our lives.  Going through IVF was hard, but I love to count my blessings...and those include two very sweet little babies!  I'm so lucky!

An Unorganized House...

Those who are close to me can attest that I have OCD tendencies. I am a freak about keeping things organized, put in their place, and clean. I actually LIKE to clean and organize. I sometimes wish I had one of those TV shows where I go into cluttered and dirty homes and help the owner learn how to keep a home looking nice. A clean and neat home is one of the best feelings a person can have, in my opinion. It's so much easier to relax and be stress free in a clean environment. Everything in my house has a place. Matt definitely thinks I'm nuts about organization at times. He knows where generally everything in the house belongs, but sometimes, even if he puts the item in the exact right spot it's not exactly right in my mind. For example, he may place a picture frame back on the end table, but usually I need to adjust it so it's at the perfect angle. Oh and he always gets frustrated because I tell him there is a right and wrong way to put dishes in the dishwasher. Like I said, I can admit I have a touch of OCD.

In the last 12 weeks my organization game has been thrown off. We still do the basic house cleaning each week but the little extra organization that I do frequently has slowed way down. It's funny because if you would have asked me 3 years ago how I would feel if I couldn't keep my house in perfect shape I would say I'd be very stressed. However today it is bothering me a little bit but not as much as I once thought it would. My entire life I have been the over the top organizer type but I think while going through infertility stuff it came out even more. Personally I think at that time there was not much I could control so cleaning and such was where I kept the power in my life. Now that I have Cole I am finding it so much more important to spend time with him rather than clean. I don't want to miss any of his smiles so who really cares if there is a basket of laundry in my living room (at least the clothes are clean in the basket!) or dishes in the sink. I admit there is even a layer of dust on my furniture for the first time in years. My mom laughs because I now understand why her kitchen counter always had items on it when we were growing up. It would drive her crazy when I came into the kitchen, gathered everything up off the counter and put it in a basket. Sorry mom...

I know my house does not have to be perfect every day. I do not want Cole to grow up wishing I spent more time with him instead of cleaning the house. And I know that won't happen. I don't want to miss a minute with my little guy so if that means less organization then that's fine by me. But, I do think it's very important to teach kids how to be clean and neat. I want Cole to learn to keep his room in good order and I want him to understand the importance of a clean house. I think being neat and clean benefits kids in so many ways. I have a feeling down the road it'll be hard for me to not remake his bed after he does it to have it look just perfect. But I'll have to stop and remind myself that it's more important for him to learn how to do things on his own than for it to look perfect every time.

I'm glad I am finding a balance in life. Our house is clean and safe for a baby to grow up in. But if we have some clutter it's because we are smitten just watching Cole change every day. His smile makes me forget about that closet upstairs that needs to be organized or the fact that our garage needs to be swept out. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Now, if I could just get Matt to pick up his shoes and socks at the end of the day... I don't think I'll ever escape the annoyance of that!

Kidney Update

It's hard to believe 6 weeks have gone by since Cole's last appointment with the pediatric urologist.  Today we went to Peoria for his check-up.  We had to go to OSF St. Francis for an ultrasound and then we drove over to his doctors office.  Cole did amazing during his ultrasound.  He was hamming it up with the ultrasound tech.  He laid pretty still the entire time and it was a really easy process.  He even smiled when the tech talked to him...but then again he smiled at just about everyone who talked to him the whole day!

After we left his ultrasound, we decided to walk up to the NICU.  I felt like being up there and seeing the place would give me some sort of closure and help me to feel even more ready to continue on this new journey in life with Cole.  During Braelyn's birthday celebration, one of our family members told us that they had donated a plaque in her name.  We asked the receptionist if she could show us where it was.  As it turns out we didn't get to see it because they couldn't find it.  But, I was glad we walked up there and talked to a few people anyway.  Cole was a hit with the nurses too and gave them huge grins!  It did feel very weird to be there holding my 12 lb. baby instead of looking at my 1 lb. baby.

After we left OSF we drove over to Cole's urologists office.  As soon as the doctor came in he told us that he had excellent news.  Both of his kidneys looked much better than the last time we were there.  He told us that he would see us back in 3 months for another ultrasound and check, but not to worry too much.  He only talked to us for a few minutes.  He talked to Cole quite a bit, and even though Cole couldn't understand what he was saying it was so nice to see him interacting with Cole.  It really makes me feel like we are working with an excellent doctor, one who really loves kids!  I have a feeling that we will continue to see this doctor throughout Cole's childhood, just to make sure things continue to go well.  So I'm really glad we like him!

We decided on our way home to stop at the Bass Pro Shop that just opened in East Peoria.  We ate lunch at Uncle Buck's and the food was pretty good.  That place is awesome!  There is even a bowling alley inside the restaurant.  Would have been fun to bowl, but I don't think Cole would have enjoyed watching us.  After we ate we walked around the store for a bit.  We decided that we want to buy a boat and a 4 wheeler and a few other cool things that the store had to offer.  Now if we could only find a way to make $25,000 we'd be set! Haha.  There was a huge aquarium inside of the store and we took Cole over to see the fish.  He loved it!  I am pretty sure he would have sat and stared at the fish all day if we had let him.

Overall, we had a great day today as a family.  I'm so glad we had a chance to do something fun after Cole's appointments.  And I'm ecstatic that we got good news about our baby boy!

Watch out!!

88 pound catfish...freaky!!

Cole staring at the fish