The Empty Chair

It's been a while since I have visited this blog.  It's funny how grief works sometimes - you move forward and you feel ok, even great, most days, but then another milestone comes up and you start to feel restless.  This blog has been a connecting point for me with Braelyn - both with her memories and to help me write my feelings to try and make sense of them.  It feels good to go back and read things I've written in the past to see how much progress I've made, so I guess that's why I'm deciding to write this down...for future me to read again to prove that I survived another milestone.

This year there will be an empty chair in the Kindergarten classroom.  School supplies left unpurchased.  No new backpack hanging on the hook, or new shoes left haphazardly by the door after school.  No "1st Day of School" pictures to take.  No lunches to pack.  No buses to catch.  No homework to do in the evenings.  No report cards to praise.  No extracurricular activities to sign up for.  No new friends coming over to our house to play.  No school pictures to hang on the walls.  No sounds of a little girls laughter or excitement to share about her day at our dinner table each evening.

Each passing year has been hard in it's own way since losing Braelyn.  But this is the year that I've been anxious about.  This is the year she would have gone to Kindergarten.  That moment where as a parent you are both excited beyond belief for your kiddo, but at the same time nervous - will they make friends, will they be okay all day at a new place, will they figure out how to get on the right bus in the afternoon, will they like their teacher, will they be excited to learn...  This is a HUGE milestone for every child!  This is the year where they are not a baby anymore.  This is the year you learn to trust a building full of people you don't know with your most precious gift.  But our house will go on as if it's just another regular day.  Nothing changes this year for us like it should have.

I know that I am one of the lucky ones.  I've battled and won against the monster of infertility.  I've battled and came out broken, but alive, from child loss.  I finally have two boys in my house that fill my days with laughter, love, and sometimes a touch of insanity too.  But there is always still something missing.  It's been almost 6 years since she made her brief appearance - but I often wonder what our family would be like with her as a living part of it.

This year, when you send your babies off to school, do me a favor - remember mine.  Remember that she would have gone to school this year too and we would have been so excited about this new phase of life.  Remember her as you shop for school supplies, new clothes, shoes, and backpacks.  Kiss those big kids of yours one extra time for me as you drop them off on the first day at the door of their school, or before you watch them climb the steps onto the bus.  Enjoy each moment that this school year has to bring if you can.  I know it'll be hard and I know you will have moments where you are frustrated and just plain stressed out.  But you get to experience this with your child - and that's all that really matters!  Remember how incredibly blessed we all are in this journey of life.

Each year we choose to do something that helps others around us in Braelyn's honor.  This year since she would have gone to Kindergarten, we thought it would be fitting to collect school supplies that we can donate to Hudson Elementary School - where she would have been enrolled.  If we collect an over abundance of supplies, we'll spread the love to other schools as well.  I've researched what types of supplies the school would like to have and I put together an Amazon Wish List (it seemed to work really well last year with the book drive).  We will plan to start our collection now, since it's the best time of year to shop for school supplies, and we will deliver our gifts to the school(s) on her birthday in October.

Here are your options for donating if you wish:

• Amazon Wish List (can ship directly to me):  Braelyn School List 2016
• Shop at any store around you and I'll pick up your donation from you.
• Teachers are always appreciative of gift cards from the following:  Amazon, Target, Walmart
• If you want to send money to me, I'd be happy to shop for you. 

Thank you again for your support over the years.  We love all of you and are so thankful to have people in our lives who have helped us make it through each year.  It feels so good to do nice things for others, and with your help each year we can make a lasting impact to those near and far.  We LOVE you all!!

FIVE

"I am so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers." ~Anne of Green Gables

Five years.  That’s enough time for so many things to change in life.  Five years brings people in and out of your life.  It is enough time to set goals and accomplish them.  It brings family and career changes. Five years is enough time to celebrate large milestones.  Five years is a long time to miss someone who isn’t here with you.  

Obviously life has continued to move forward.  Some days it seems the speed at which my life is moving forward is incredibly fast.  In the last 5 years I’ve had 3 babies, had a few role changes at work, taken a few big vacations, and most recently trained for and ran a half marathon.  My days are so full with work and the boys that the weeks and months begin to blur together.  But every year once October hits it’s as if my world stands still for a moment. It may be the crisp fall air or the sun shining through the changing leaves on the trees.  Maybe it’s the comfort of putting on a warm sweatshirt or sleeping with the windows open.  Whatever it is, I’m reminded so much of October 2010.  October equals Braelyn in my world.  It’s being excited about my pregnancy with her, it’s her scary entrance into this world, it’s her heartbreaking exit, and it’s her beautiful fall service to remember her at Lake Evergreen. And each October becomes even more about her as we choose to do something big to commemorate her life while at the same time filling the lives of others with her name. 

I don’t think a year will go by without me thinking “what would she be doing now” or “what would she be like”.  But those questions are also hard because I know we’ll never get to actually experience the answers.  Five is almost a rite of passage for a kid.  No longer a baby or toddler, but a true big kid.  I’m sure my house would be littered with baby dolls, Barbie’s, and pink dress up clothes.  We would probably know every single Disney princess name, own all of the movies, and watch them on repeat.  I bet she’d know how to ride a bike without training wheels, attend Little Kidsview at church, and probably know how to write her name.   She would have long dark brown hair and big brown eyes and maybe a cute little dimple in her chin like her baby brother.  She would fiercely love and adore her brothers.  The three of them would have so much fun together.  All of these thoughts make me smile but I quickly get a lump in my throat because it’s all just a dream.   It’s like when you were a little kid and you dreamed up what your exact family would be like when you grew up, but then that perfect dream fades into reality and life is so different.

Don’t feel sorry for me though.  My life has turned out beautifully.  Even more so than I could have imagined or planned out for myself – it’s just different than what I originally pictured.  I’ve said this before, but I truly believe it. Braelyn has changed me at my core.  I am not the same person I once was or dreamt to be.  My life goals, what I consider to be important milestones, and ideas of success have evolved into something that I can smile and be absolutely sure about.  I am a nicer, more caring, and patient person.  My relationship with Jesus has changed tremendously – and is now at the very heart of my life, relationships, and decisions I’m making.  I can say matter of factly, if I did not know Jesus and the promise of eternal life that he brings to us, I would be in a much different mental state after losing my daughter.  I’m still sad, I still wish the ending was different, but I know that one day I will be reunited with her because Jesus paid for my sins and gives me the promise of eternal life if I choose to believe and follow him.  I can’t image going through a devastating event like this without knowing the promise that lies ahead.  I don’t plan to leave this world anytime soon, but I know when I do I won’t have to be sad because I’ll be on my way to Braelyn and I can’t wait to talk to her again.  

I talk to the boys about Braelyn often.  Clay is starting to say her name when I ask him who his sister is.  Cole gets it a little bit more each time we talk about her.  I think he can tell that I am a mix of happy and sad when we talk about her, because his statements are so caring and innocent.  When I woke him up on October 1st, I told him that it’s now October and his immediate response through sleepy eyes was “Yay!  It’s Braelyn’s birthday now!”  I wasn’t expecting him to say it so it brought tears to my eyes and I told him “yep, buddy, it sure is!”  He loves to color and when I picked him up from daycare earlier in the week he had a picture that he had drawn and he said he wanted to tie it to a balloon and send it up to Heaven for Braelyn.  He knows his tiny sister is living with Jesus in Heaven and often he tells me he wants to put wings on and fly up to Heaven like an angel so he can see her.  It’s hard to tell him that he really can’t do that.  Moments like these make me think about what I would be doing, if much at all, to talk to my boys at this age about Jesus and his love for us and what it means.  I’m honestly not sure I’d be discussing these details of Jesus' love for us with them.  Just another great thing that Braelyn did for us.

You have probably seen on Facebook that this year for Braelyn’s 5^th birthday we chose to collect books for families of babies who are in the NICU.  We chose the titles:  Guess How Much I Love You; On the Night You Were Born; and Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You.  The response was (again) overwhelming this year and we’ve collected so many more books than I imagined we would.  I’d like to say THANK YOU to those of you who have continued to support and love us through each October.  It’s amazing to me that you have not forgotten her after 5 years.  Each year you continue to help us to do something amazing in our community for others in the same circumstances that we’ve been in.  We collected 300 books!  I’m blown away with amazement.  These books will be broken down into packages with one of each book (so 3 books) to give to each family.  We will be taking several of these packages to The Children’s Hospital of IL in Peoria and also to Carle Hospital in Urbana, since both of these places have NICU’s.  We are also going to send a very special package to twin preemie baby girls in Ohio who are showing this world what they are made of.   

Cole has been in his element each day when we get home running to the porch to check for packages.  He has helped me to open each one, read who it is from, and count how many books we got.  It has been so fun this year to see him really get into what we are doing and see what a difference it’s going to make to others.  It feels so good to know Braelyn’s name is on each and every one of those books.  Can you believe 100 families will be touched by your generosity? 101 families if you count mine….we are so blessed to call you friends and family! I appreciate each and every one of you who has supported us in the journey we’ve been on in the last 5 years.  I wouldn’t be where I am today without you.  

Thank you from the bottom of my heart and I can’t wait to see what this next year has in store.  I’m already brainstorming ideas for #6. 

Here are some pictures of Braelyn’s Book Drive of 2015 and our special day today.

Cole pointing excitedly to all of the packages on our porch! 

The collection begins. 

Sorting them all into groups of 3.

Packaged in the bags and almost ready for delivery.

Delivering the books in Peoria

Playing at the park after our delivery

At the park Cole found this random pink balloon on the ground.
I think it was a sign from above :) 

Lunch at Bass Pro and a look at the big fish.

Getting ready to let balloons go for Braelyn in Heaven

Cole had this idea because he drew a beautiful picture for Braelyn
and he wanted to send it up to her in Heaven.

There it goes!

Beautiful at the lake, as usual.  One of my favorite spots.

It wouldn't be a birthday in the Corbin house without ice cream
to celebrate! 

Climbing Hills

I have a love/hate relationship with running.  And if I'm being honest, probably more times than not I hate it.  Why I chose to sign up to run a half marathon I have no idea.  Call me crazy!

 

During five years of infertility treatments, pregnancies, long durations of couch rest, and babies that are up all night I neglected myself in the way of exercise.  I used to be in great physical shape and lately when I started thinking about how weak I've become it seemed like I would never be able to make it back to that state.  I went and bought a new pair of running shoes and the next day signed up to run a half marathon in September.  I knew if I didn't set a huge goal for running than I wouldn't actually go out and do it.  

 

When I signed up the race was several months away.  I told myself I'd train slowly and be fine by September.  Just last week I realized that I only have 12 weeks before this race and I'm nowhere near ready.  I printed out a 12 week training plan and I'm trying my best to stick with it.  

 

On Saturday I went out to do a 3 mile run.  Running is such a mental game for me.  I have the hardest time getting started, but once I get going I'm okay.  One thing that I've been doing when I run is trying to use that time to listen to Christian music and pray.  I feel like if I can put the focus on something other than the fact that I’m running I can make it through easier.  Plus that’s time that I get alone (without distraction) where I can focus on what I need to do to build upon my relationship with God, seek ways to have a kinder heart towards people, and refocus on those around me who can use prayers coming their way.  

 

As I was running on Saturday, I knew I’d have to climb a hill towards the end of my run to make it back home.  I was hot and tired and dreading the return trip.  As I began to climb the hill I started to look ahead and felt discouraged.  The hill seemed to be unending and I started to tell myself that I couldn’t make it.  Then I started to stare down at the ground in front of me and I continued to run.  Don’t get me wrong, I still wanted to quit because I could feel that it was more strenuous than running on a flat surface, but the fact that I wasn’t seeing the big hill in the horizon made a difference in my mindset.  

I had a revelation that this is just like life sometimes.  So often we are focused on the horizon up ahead and we sometimes see large obstacles (hills) in front of us.  It gets discouraging and we feel like we will never find the strength to make it up that hill to the end goal, so we want to quit and give up.  But this is when we should stop staring ahead and wishing about what could be and just focus on each step along the way.  When you are looking ahead only enough for the next step you forget about the seemingly insurmountable obstacle ahead.  You may move more slowly and it will still be hard, but focusing in on putting one foot in front of the other can keep you moving in the right direction without stopping.  Then the next thing you know, you are at the top of the hill – and better off because you persevered and dug deep to get there.  

 

I can think of several examples in my own life where I have lost focus of the small steps that it takes to get over a giant hurdle.  I’ve become down and discouraged because I’m focused on the hill in front of me.  I’m determined to take the challenging times in life one step at a time from here on out.  

What hills are you facing in your life right now?  Do you agree that focusing on each step one at a time is easier than thinking about how big the hill is?  Or do you have a different opinion?  

Mother's Day 2015

As I reflect on what Mother's Day means to me today, I think about the amazing mothers (my mom and my grandma) that I had the privilege of learning from.  Both were selfless and did everything they could for their families.  They raised us with great values and taught us to do good for others.  We also had a lot of fun.  I realize in this broken world just how lucky we are.  I wish my grandma was still here to see my boys and be a direct part of their lives.  And mom, THANK YOU doesn't do justice to what I want to say to you.  

I always wanted to be a mom.  But mostly just because that was the next destination in life to get to.  You know, after school, graduation, getting a job, getting married....you just had kids next.  When we struggled to have kids my perspective changed.  I no longer wanted kids just because it was the next thing to check off of my list, but because I feared never having the chance to be to someone what my mom was to me.  I wanted to feel the bond between and mom and her children. 

When I got pregnant with Braelyn I felt like the entire world of being a mom was ahead of me, carefree and fun.  She held so many hopes and dreams for us.  She was the one who made me a mom for the first time and there is something so special about that.  When she was born early and died so shortly after my heart was shattered into a million pieces.  It'll always have a missing piece because of her, but she is the one who solely transformed my heart into wanting children for a totally different reason.  She will always be a very important part of my journey in life.

My boy Cole.  He has healed my heart in ways I never thought possible after losing a baby.  He has brought me so much joy and pure happiness.  I love everything about him.  I got to experience every "first" with him.  I get to continuously watch him grow and navigate life in front of him.  I get to answer his "why" question a million times a day.  I have the privilege of steering him towards having a heart for Jesus.  Each day when he tells me a hundred times that he loves me I realize just how incredible it is to be someones mom.  

And then there is Clay.  The unexpected gift in our lives.  The one who we never thought we'd have.  Sometimes God works in very mysterious ways.  We thought just having one kid was going to be okay after the heartbreak we had endured.  But God knew our family wasn't going to be complete without Clay.  This little monster has the cutest laugh of anyone I know.  He can melt your heart with his smile and that dimple in his chin.  He's got a wild streak too, but I love his determination.  I'm so lucky to have him as my son and the baby of our family.

Lots of thoughts run through my head on days like today.  About how much I'm missing, but at the same time just how much I've been blessed with.  This life wasn't meant to be easy and it hasn't been for us.  But that makes the rewards so much sweeter when you have been through the pain.  Today I'm so thankful to have a mom who loves me unconditionally and to be a mom to my sweet baby girl and two rambunctious boys.  

We had a wonderful weekend filled with a trip to the zoo, some awesome home improvements done by Matt, breakfast out, a photography class, a visit to Braelyn's spot out at Lake Evergreen, and some mud puddle jumping.  I couldn't have asked for more.

For all of you mom's out there, I hope today was amazing for you.  I hope you were reminded of the very important role you play in the lives of your children.  For those missing their mom's on a day like today, I hope you were reminded of some very special memories the two of you shared.  For those who are still waiting desperately to become a mom, I pray that day will come very soon for you.  

I leave you with some pictures of my special weekend. 

My freshly painted front door - Thanks Matt! 

Sitting in Braelyn's spot at the lake

Sister Love

I hate that neither of my boys will ever meet their sister here on this Earth.  I'll never have a picture that includes all three of my kiddos together.  I'll never hear them interact with each other.  I'll never see my boys form a special bond with their big sister. 

But, their hearts are a bit more protected from the sting of death since they came after her.  They are sheltered from the grief that I felt so intensely after Braelyn died.  They have received a new kind of love from their mom, one that could only be formed after the death of a child who came before them. 

I've really struggled with knowing what to say to Cole (and someday when he understands more, Clay too) about his sister.  I decided that being open and honest will probably serve best in this situation.  I've been telling Cole for quite some time that he has a sister and that she died and lives in Heaven with Jesus.  He knows her name and frequently speaks of her.  We have a blanket that Braelyn was wrapped up in as we held her when she passed away.  Cole now sleeps with his sisters blanket and he knows it's special.

Just last week he told me on the car ride home from daycare that he was going to go to Heaven on Saturday to play tractors with Braelyn because he thinks she will like that.  My first thought was oh I hope he's not going to Heaven anytime soon because I couldn't bear to lose him.  But that thought was quickly followed by a sense of peace that he's already starting to grasp the concept of Heaven and also that he "knows" his sister. 

I have shown Cole pictures of Braelyn.  At first I was uncomfortable thinking about showing them to him because she was very tiny and hooked up to a lot of machines.  Not your typical baby picture.  I worried that maybe seeing the pictures would be too much for him.  But ultimately I decided that it may make it more real to him to see a physical picture of his sister.  He always tells me that when he sees Braelyn he will hold her and not drop her because she is a tiny baby.  He sometimes asks to see more pictures of her and I always show him when he asks.  It helps to open up the conversation for us.

A few weeks ago our sitter had to put her cat to sleep.  This cat was about 17 years old I think, and the boys loved him (even though I'm not too sure the cat had a mutual feeling)!  Obviously our sitter loved this dear cat and was very sad the day she had to have him put to sleep.  Cole and I talked about how this cat died but how he was in Heaven and it was a wonderful time for the cat, even though the people on Earth were sad.  A few days after this, Cole was at daycare and his sitter was explaining to another kid about how her cat had died and she was very sad.  Cole listened to the entire conversation and then gently put his hand on our sitters leg and told her that it was okay because his sister, Braelyn was taking care of him.  Makes me tear up just thinking about that sweet little boys heart and how he really is understanding what we talk about. 

There is definitely no protocol on how you are supposed to go about teaching your kids about death, Heaven, big sisters who they've never met, or angels.  But based on some of the conversations I've been having with Cole over the last few weeks I can see that he's beginning to understand.  He's listening and taking it all in.  My hope is that someday he can feel his sisters presence in his life and become a better person because of it.  I do pray that someday we are all joined together as a big happy family in Heaven. 

Have you had to talk to your kids about losing a sibling or another close family member?  What did you find to be beneficial in doing so?  I would love to find a book about Heaven that a 3 year old could understand and read it to him, but I haven't found one I love yet.  Any suggestions? 

This is a picture that Cole drew for me and he said its him holding Braelyn :o)

Great Things

Today at church we sang a song called "Great Things (Worth It All)".  This song really hit home to me.  How many of you have or are going through hard times?  You might feel alone, weak and vulnerable.  You might feel like life's circumstances have left you with some pretty ugly scars that you can't cover up.  

I can speak from my own situation by saying that it's not easy to fight your way out of darkness at times.  But God is always with you.  For me, had I not been faced with steep mountains in front of me when I least expected it I would not appreciate where I am today.  My relationship with Jesus is growing each day because I know that He is doing great things in my life.  Is my life perfect?  Not by any means.  The Earth is full of sin and darkness, but Jesus came to show us the light and what is to come.

I just want to take a minute today to challenge you to sing of the greatness of Jesus, even in trying times.  He promises to bring beauty from devastation if we trust in his promises.  


"Great Things (Worth It All)"

Thank You for the wilderness
Where I learned to thirst for Your presence
If I'd never known that place
How could I have known You are better?

Thank You for the lonely times
When I learned to live in the silence
As the other voices fade
I can hear You calling me, Jesus

And it's worth it all just to know You more

You've done great things
Jesus, Your love never fails me
My soul will sing you have done great things

Thank You for the scars I bear
They declare that You are my healer
How could I have seen your strength
If You never showed me my weakness?

And it's worth it all, just to know You more

You've done great things
Jesus, Your love never fails me
My soul will sing You have done great things

You've done great things
In weakness, You are my victory
My soul will sing You have done great things

Through the fire and the flood You have never let me go
And my soul sing You have done great things
I am weak, You are strong
You will always be my hope
And my soul will sing You have done great things

Through the fire and the flood You have never let me go
And my soul will sing You have done great things
I am weak, You are strong
You will always be my hope
And my soul will sing You have done great things

You've done great things
Jesus, Your love never fails me
My soul will sing You have done great things

You've done great things
In weakness, You are my victory
My soul will sing You have done great things

The Pants

Spring cleaning.  Seems like every year when the promise of warmer weather comes I get the itch to clean and organize our home.  For those of you that really know me, you know that I don't like to hang on to stuff we don't use.  (Now don't judge if you see my living room with the toy explosion...I never can seem to get that stuff organized or purged properly)  A few weeks back I decided it was time to go through my closet.

Rewind to October 8, 2010.  I found myself wandering aimlessly around the mall.  It was an out of body experience.  My daughter just died the day before and here I was shopping.  In a way it was nice to get out of the house and do something "normal" to keep my mind from wandering. But I was seeing for the first time how life goes on so easily when I felt like my world had stopped spinning.  Matt took my hand and led me to a few stores.  I needed to find something to wear for Braelyn's funeral.  Sure, I had some nice clothes at home, but my stupid body was still shaped like I should be carrying a 24 week old baby inside.  None of my pants fit.  And I wanted to have a nice new shirt to wear to honor her.   We emerged from the mall with a few bags of clothes for both of us.  I don't know how long we were there or what stores we went into.  I just know that we came out with what we needed.

After that funeral day, my weight was up and down each time we did another infertility treatment or I got pregnant again.  The only other time I wore those pants was 3 weeks after Braelyn's funeral, when my grandma suddenly passed away and I needed something to wear to her funeral.  Since then they have been hanging in my closet staring at me every day when I get ready for work.  I look at them, think about her, and then quickly get dressed.  The question has been on my mind for a while...what should I do with these pants?  They don't fit me.  I won't wear them again.  But they hold a piece of her memory for me.

In my frenzy to clear out old clothes from my closet a few weeks ago I pushed myself to sell these pants, along with a few other pairs of dress pants.  I held onto them for awhile making sure I should really do this.  But I knew it was time.  Time for someone to get use out of them.  Time for them to stop staring at me each day as I get dressed.  Time for me to heal some more.

A lady emailed me to see if she could take the pants home for her daughter to try on and then she could let me know if her daughter wanted them or not.  I agreed to it.  I didn't hear from the lady for a few days and during that time I decided that if they didn't sell I was going to hang them back up in my closet and wait a little bit longer before I could make a true decision on what to do with them.  This may sound silly, but I prayed about the pants.  Prayed that I would be okay if the lady decided to keep them.

I got the email today.  She wants them.  Her daughter really liked them and was excited to have new pants.  They are just a pair of pants.  They shouldn't mean anything to me.  But they do.  Obviously I can't go back on my sale.  I'd sound crazy if I tried to reason why I needed them back.  A part of me was sad I had decided to sell them.  After all, I don't have many physical reminders or things that were a part of my experience with Braelyn.

But then I really got to thinking about why I should be okay with letting them go.  Reasoning with myself that this was the way it's meant to work out.  My take away is that this is just a mere earthly possession.  Yes, it's a tangible reminder to me of her.  But someday when I go to Heaven, I won't need "things" to fill that void.  I'll be re-joined with her and I can spend eternity there.  I won't need those pants to be a reminder of what I lost because in Christ I have actually gained being able to be with her forever.   But until that day comes, I will still have the shirt.