Gone Too Soon

A friend of mine posted this song (video below) on her Facebook wall today in memory of her son who was born too soon.  I took the time to listen to it and the lyrics really hit home.  It's true....not a day goes by when I don't think of Braelyn.  Especially as I watch Cole grow and learn, I wonder what she would have been like.  

I find myself often torn between wishing she was here and being okay with the way our lives played out.  It's hard to explain...but if she were born full term and healthy then I would not have Cole, nor Baby Brother.  But I want her to be here with us.  I want to be excited to be a family who has 3 crazy kids at home.  Not two with one watching over us.   Obviously I can't change things...so I'm learning to be happy with the way our life is.  We will always feel a void, but I don't want life to stop because she isn't here either.  One day we will see her again and make up for lost time.  

I don't think that Braelyn only being here for 12 hours was any accident.  I feel like she had a purpose and each and every day I'm learning more and more about what that purpose was.  She taught us lots of lessons that we would have never learned otherwise.  Here are just a few ways that I feel like I'm a different person because of Braelyn:

1)  I feel like I'm more tolerant and slower to judge people because you never know what their life story is.  I would venture to guess that the people who don't know a lot about me wouldn't have any idea that I had a daughter who passed away, but I am the way I am based on those experiences.  Maybe someone who I encounter has had some life changing experience that most people can't relate to and maybe that's why they are the way they are.  Before we lost Braelyn, I had a really hard time picturing devastating events happening to people and changing who they are at their core.  I probably was not very sympathetic to those people.  But now I understand.  I am trying on a daily basis to remember to find the good in people.  I'm not the best at this and I strive to be a better person every day, but I'm appreciative of the lesson I've learned.  

2)  Braelyn taught me to be more generous and to help others.  I would like to think that I would have done random acts of kindness often even if she had never been born.  I did nice things for others here and there, but after she was born I know that it's so much more important to me to find others that I can help.  We had so much love and support shown to us from family, friends, and even strangers that it will take a lifetime to pay it all forward.  But I want to strive to continue to do nice things for others because our life has been blessed and we are very fortunate.  I can't wait for the day that Cole and Baby Brother can learn about their special sister and think of ideas to help others in her memory.   

3)  She also made me a more patient and involved parent.  I know a lot of people who are really good parents.  But I feel different from a lot of them.  I don't want to offend anyone, because I know that most people love their kids and feel like they are a true gift (and I would NEVER wish my experiences on anyone that I know).  But I have a different perspective on the whole parenting gig.  I know that by seeing the worst that can happen to your child I have a unique perspective on raising a child.  Braelyn has made me cherish every single moment with Cole.  Sure there are still moments when I get frustrated with him, but I can chill out and remember that he's just a baby and I'm so incredibly blessed to have him here with me.  She has taught me to slow down and enjoy the little things.  I would rather sit down on the floor and build towers with blocks a million and one times than worry about doing the dishes that are piling up in the sink.  I know that had it not been for Braelyn, I would have been worrying about when I was going to find the time to clean my house and possibly ignoring Cole's requests to play with him.  I'm so thankful for this lesson.  The time is already going too fast with Cole and I don't want him to ever think that I didn't have time to have fun with him because I was worried about doing something else.  I know that when he's grown up I'll have plenty of time to clean and organize.  But for right now, I want to enjoy the moments.  So if you come over, excuse this mess we call Toddler Land in our living room :)

I don't post much on here about Braelyn anymore.  I am at a place in my life where I do feel true happiness and joy about the life that I'm living.  I have my moments of feeling sad and sorry for myself, but those moments are rare.  Mostly I am just thankful to have gotten a new perspective on life before my boys were born.  The experiences I had are making me a much better mom (and wife).  I love my boys so much, but I will always keep a special place in my heart for my sweet baby girl.  

Tomorrow is Memorial Day.  I know that it's a day to remember the men who have served our Country to bring us freedom and choices and I for one am very thankful for these men and women.  But let's also take a few minutes to remember others that we have loved and lost.   Hug your loved ones a little bit tighter and enjoy the little moments that life throws your way.