F.A.L.L.

I seriously LOVE the fall season.  I have decided that I could never live anywhere that did not have seasons, but especially fall.  Each year about this time I start to really wish that fall would hurry up and get here.  As I sit here blogging I have my Spiced Pumpkin candle lit.  Smells so good.  Here are some of my favorite things about fall....

- Spiced Pumpkin candle

- Changing colors of the leaves

- Crisp air/having the windows open

- Fires outside

- Any food made with pumpkins or apples

- Wearing sweatshirts outside

- Apple cider

- Hiking at Starved Rock or Turkey Run

- Harvest

- Soup

- Football

- School (even though I don't go anymore)

- My birthday

This year during fall I will also be celebrating Braelyn's 1st birthday.  I hope to be able to find something special to do in memory of her.  We celebrated her life at Lake Evergreen and it was so beautiful.  I hope that the atmosphere there is just as pretty this year.  Another special event this fall will be when I hit 28 weeks in this pregnancy.  At that point my little guy will have a very high chance of survival, and that will make me one happy mama.  

Hopefully the next few weeks of summer will fly by so we can sit back and enjoy fall.  Normally I am not one to rush to get to winter, but this year is a different story.  I hope you all enjoy fall as much as I do! 

anx·i·ety (noun \aŋ-ˈzī-ə-tē\)

Anxiety is an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it.


Tomorrow will mark the start of week 19 of my pregnancy.  I'm almost half way there (well in my case I am probably over half way there...but still hoping that he is near full term)!  Lately I have had a ton of anxiety.  Last time I was pregnant I was completely oblivious to anything bad that could happen.  This time...I am fully aware of everything that can go wrong.  


Isn't it funny how when you want the time to pass quickly, it moves in slow motion.  But when you want time to slow down it moves at warp speed?  I feel like i'm currently living in slow motion.  I need to first make it to 24 weeks as that is when a baby is viable outside of the womb.  Then I need to make it to 28 weeks as the baby will have about a 90-95% chance of surviving.  Seems so far away. 


I like the saying "If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it."  I'm trying to keep in mind that God knows my plan better than I ever will.  Whatever is meant to happen is already planned out...I just need to remember that whatever comes my way I can handle. 


I know I am under the best care possible and I am doing everything in my power to take it easy (which is hard for me).  I just need to try and relax and not think about the negatives.  I feel that God gave us this baby for a reason, and I need to enjoy each minute I have with him!  


Starting this week we will be going to the doctor once a week to make sure everything is working the way it should.  I think that will give me a bit more peace of mind.  I have been feeling the baby move quite a bit, and that is also reassuring.  I can't wait until I start feeling him more and more.  


This post is all over the place.  Just thought I might feel better if I put something down on "paper" about my anxiety.  I am generally not a worrier, so being in a position where I'm feeling anxious all of the time definitely stresses me out.  But I know somehow I'll make it to the place that I need to be.  My family and friends have been a great support to me.  And I know that is something I will continue to need...


Now let's hope Wednesday comes fast so I can see my little baby squirt again and make sure everything is okay! :o) 

This will be my little guy some day soon...

Baby Squirt @ 16 Weeks

Hard to believe I'm almost half way through this pregnancy with Baby Squirt.  At least I'm hoping that I'm almost half way there and not over half way with this pregnancy.  My doctors are doing such a great job of monitoring me this time around that I feel confident this pregnancy will last until 37 weeks at least.  We have an ultrasound done every other week.  They measure my cervix length first and then we get to see the baby.  I have never been nervous about something being wrong with the baby.  Mostly I just worry that my cervix will be shorter than the last time.  But once we get that check over with I enjoy the rest of my appointment.

Last time we went to the doctor we left with 114 pictures of the baby.  I'm pretty sure our doctor's office loves us!  Never thought I would say I felt like a celebrity at my OBGYN's office, but hey I'm not complaining!  It's amazing how much the baby changes every two weeks. First looking like a blob, then morphing into something that resembled a gummy bear (with short little arms and legs) and finally into a baby.  Each appointment the baby just keeps getting bigger.

We found out that Baby Squirt is a BOY!  We were really excited to find out the gender.  It will definitely make choosing a name much easier if we only have to focus on one sex.  It still might take us a while to settle on a name...it's so hard!  It was bittersweet taking all of the pink clothes out of the nursery closet, but I hope it's just as fun to fill it up with little boy stuff.

I've been feeling great.  Not much to complain about.  I have not been sick at all.  I have gained just enough weight that I am no longer looking at the scale :o)  and the tiredness is easing up a bit.  You can definitely tell that I'm pregnant just by looking at me.  I like that feeling though.

I'm trying so hard to enjoy each moment that I have with this baby.  After losing Braelyn so fast I want to savor every moment this time around.  It is hard to relax though because in the back of my mind is always everything that could go wrong.  When I was pregnant with Braelyn I skipped all of the chapters in my books about complications.  This time around I have read and memorized just about all of the information for every condition.  Don't get me wrong, I am still thinking very positively about this experience...I just want to be prepared this time around.  So far though, there is nothing to be worried about.  Let's keep it that way!!

Here are some pictures of the baby that we scored at the doctor's last week.  Hope you enjoy them as much as we do!  And thanks for all of the support.  I know I've said it before, but it's because of the support of all of my family and friends that I'm getting through everything.

Peek-a-boo!

Baby's face-- looks like a skeleton baby

Aww, so cute!

Baby's profile

Look at those chicken legs! 

Say What!?

What does this....

Plus this....

Plus this...

Plus this...

Plus this...

Plus this...

EQUAL??

A NEW BABY CORBIN ON THE WAY!!

The baby is due on January 2, 2012.
(For those of you who know me, I am obsessed with "cool" dates...so I was thrilled to hear 1/2/12)

I am 14 weeks pregnant as I type this.  It feels amazing to have another baby on the way.  We are under a close watch by our awesome doctors and hope that this baby will make it to full term.  Pray for 28 weeks at the very least as that is when a baby is almost fully viable outside of the womb.  Ironic that the 28 week mark for this baby will fall on the same week as Braelyn's first birthday.  It'll be a bittersweet week for sure.  


Thank you for all of the prayers and excitement for us as we travel down this path again.  We are focusing on being positive, even though we worry some too.  Can't wait until January to meet this "little squirt".  

(We are going to start announcing it tomorrow at work...so if you read this tonight, do NOT post on my Facebook!  I will put something on Facebook after our doctor's appointment tomorrow)

Dreams for the Future

I borrowed this from someone else's blog that I follow, but I really liked everything it had to say.  Someday I will cherish the kids that are in my life.  I am thankful for the experiences that have made me who I am today and what kind of mom I will be in the future.  

My Dream

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. 

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. 

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better sister, a better daughter, neighbor, and friend because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. 

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

 - Unknown

Seems Impossible...if you know what I know

Ok, so I admit.  I watch the show on MTV called 16 and Pregnant.  I don't know why I continuously watch this show.  It's like a train wreck you can't look away from I guess.  Anyway, doesn't matter why I watch. :o)

On tonights episode the girl who was knocked up made a comment like "Who knew I could get pregnant by not taking my birth control pills for only 3 days."  WHAT!?  Hold the phone!  You probably think I'm trying to imply the girl is dumb to not know that she could get pregnant by skipping a pill here and there.  But that's not my point.  If you know all of the science that goes into having a baby you would find it amazing that someone could get pregnant in a random 3 day window.

Let me explain a bit.  Sorry if this is TMI.  So in order to get pregnant all the cards need to align just right.  Your body has to have just the right amount of hormones being produced, follicles need to be just the right size to release a healthy egg, then one healthy sperm must make it to the egg before the egg dies.  Ovulation happens so quickly each month, sometimes within hours you can miss your opportunity to become pregnant.  It's a miracle anyone has ever gotten pregnant with those odds.  Those are the facts that I'll share with you without going into too much detail.

For those of us who have gone through IVF, we know just how precise the timing has to be in order to get pregnant.  I can't even fathom what it would be like to be off of birth control for 3 days and get pregnant.  Instead, I have spent countless months trying to conceive, more medication and shots than I can count on two hands, hundreds of hours in a doctors office waiting room, and even a significant amount of time in the Operating Room.  I have become friends with nurses, feel like I have taken an advanced science course on human reproduction, I am known by name at the local pharmacy, and quite frankly feel like a celebrity every time I enter my OBGYN's office.  Not cool.  

I know life's not fair.  I'm not writing this to complain about some 16 year old getting pregnant and compare her life to mine.   (I'm sure my life still tops hers...).  I was just fascinated that someone could literally get pregnant in a random 3 day window.  Wow.