This is my "Braelyn" playlist.
(www.carlymarieprojectheal.com)
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Monday, October 7, 2013
Capture Your Grief: Day 7
Day 7: You today
Today is Braelyn's 3rd birthday. Seems ironic to think her birthday is in the same month as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Today is a beautiful sunny day, just like the day she was born. We took the boys to the zoo in Peoria to celebrate their sister and how she affected our lives. We had a great time and I'm so glad we have two precious boys to teach important lessons to about how we can be better people because of Braelyn.
The ride home from Peoria today was filled with memories of driving home from the hospital without the baby we went there with 3 years ago. I remember sitting in the passenger seat wondering if the past 5 days had actually taken place or if it was all just a bad dream. I remember thinking we have to plan a funeral and I don't know the first thing about where to start. I remember thinking life couldn't get any worse and it certainly would take a lot to make it better. But here I am...3 years later. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I am determined to make this world a better place because of the way a 23 week old baby touched my life. I truly feel blessed.
In honor of Braelyn we made a few donations to people in need in our community. I don't want to talk too much about them because we don't do it for any recognition. All I will say is that it felt good to help others. (I didn't feel like I could handle another 500 diapers this year with a newborn at home...so we went a different route :) )
The picture of the balloon above was taken by my mom. She went to the grocery store two days ago and when she came home this Happy Birthday balloon was stuck in the bushes in the front of her house. I'd like to think it was a sign from above. A sign that it's okay to celebrate Braelyn's birthday and be happy all day. It's okay to not be sad today. And a sign that she is definitely in heaven watching over all of us.
(www.carlymarieprojectheal.com)
Today is Braelyn's 3rd birthday. Seems ironic to think her birthday is in the same month as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Today is a beautiful sunny day, just like the day she was born. We took the boys to the zoo in Peoria to celebrate their sister and how she affected our lives. We had a great time and I'm so glad we have two precious boys to teach important lessons to about how we can be better people because of Braelyn.
The ride home from Peoria today was filled with memories of driving home from the hospital without the baby we went there with 3 years ago. I remember sitting in the passenger seat wondering if the past 5 days had actually taken place or if it was all just a bad dream. I remember thinking we have to plan a funeral and I don't know the first thing about where to start. I remember thinking life couldn't get any worse and it certainly would take a lot to make it better. But here I am...3 years later. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I am determined to make this world a better place because of the way a 23 week old baby touched my life. I truly feel blessed.
In honor of Braelyn we made a few donations to people in need in our community. I don't want to talk too much about them because we don't do it for any recognition. All I will say is that it felt good to help others. (I didn't feel like I could handle another 500 diapers this year with a newborn at home...so we went a different route :) )
The picture of the balloon above was taken by my mom. She went to the grocery store two days ago and when she came home this Happy Birthday balloon was stuck in the bushes in the front of her house. I'd like to think it was a sign from above. A sign that it's okay to celebrate Braelyn's birthday and be happy all day. It's okay to not be sad today. And a sign that she is definitely in heaven watching over all of us.
(www.carlymarieprojectheal.com)
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Capture Your Grief: Day 6
Day 6: Ritual
This place is very special to us. It's Lake Evergreen. Matt & I have always loved to go out to this lake to hang out and relax. When Braelyn passed away we decided we didn't want to have a traditional funeral nor did we want anyone but our families present. We knew immediately that we wanted to have a ceremony at the Lake. It was a beautiful day and the ceremony couldn't have turned out more intimate and perfect to remember her. We still go out to the Lake frequently, but especially on special "Braelyn Days". This place is so beautiful in the fall, which was when Braelyn was born. When I stand out at her spot I can feel everything about that day we said "see ya later" to her.
(www.carlymarieprojectheal.com)
This place is very special to us. It's Lake Evergreen. Matt & I have always loved to go out to this lake to hang out and relax. When Braelyn passed away we decided we didn't want to have a traditional funeral nor did we want anyone but our families present. We knew immediately that we wanted to have a ceremony at the Lake. It was a beautiful day and the ceremony couldn't have turned out more intimate and perfect to remember her. We still go out to the Lake frequently, but especially on special "Braelyn Days". This place is so beautiful in the fall, which was when Braelyn was born. When I stand out at her spot I can feel everything about that day we said "see ya later" to her.
(www.carlymarieprojectheal.com)
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Capture Your Grief: Day 5
Day 5: Memory
One of my favorite memories of Braelyn was when Matt and I were holding her after all of her tubes and wires had been taken off. We were giving her all of our love while we were waiting for her tiny heart to stop beating. When we knew she was finally gone, we both noticed at the same time that a drop of her blood (from where her IV was taken out) had landed on Matt's jeans in the perfect shape of a heart. It was then in that moment, even though my heart was broken, that I knew everything was going to be okay.
Another favorite memory of mine is when we had Braelyn's funeral service at Lake Evergreen. We decided to get Monarch Butterflies for each family to release. The butterflies arrived at our house in a styrofoam cooler with instructions on how to "wake up" the butterflies before the release. When we got out to the lake we began to thaw out the butterflies so they were ready to fly. When Matt and I opened up our Butterfly and tried to release it, it did not want to fly away. It sat on our hands for about 5 minutes before it finally took off. I truly felt Braelyn's presence that day and it's a memory that will never leave me. (I'm so thankful for our family friend, Karla, for taking pictures of Braelyn's service. This picture speaks a 1,000 words to me and I love that I am able to see this memory on a daily basis).
(www.carlymarieprojectheal.com)
One of my favorite memories of Braelyn was when Matt and I were holding her after all of her tubes and wires had been taken off. We were giving her all of our love while we were waiting for her tiny heart to stop beating. When we knew she was finally gone, we both noticed at the same time that a drop of her blood (from where her IV was taken out) had landed on Matt's jeans in the perfect shape of a heart. It was then in that moment, even though my heart was broken, that I knew everything was going to be okay.
Another favorite memory of mine is when we had Braelyn's funeral service at Lake Evergreen. We decided to get Monarch Butterflies for each family to release. The butterflies arrived at our house in a styrofoam cooler with instructions on how to "wake up" the butterflies before the release. When we got out to the lake we began to thaw out the butterflies so they were ready to fly. When Matt and I opened up our Butterfly and tried to release it, it did not want to fly away. It sat on our hands for about 5 minutes before it finally took off. I truly felt Braelyn's presence that day and it's a memory that will never leave me. (I'm so thankful for our family friend, Karla, for taking pictures of Braelyn's service. This picture speaks a 1,000 words to me and I love that I am able to see this memory on a daily basis).
(www.carlymarieprojectheal.com)
Friday, October 4, 2013
Capture Your Grief: Day 4
Day 4: Legacy
I truly believe the legacy that Braelyn left behind was her two little brothers. Had it not been for her, we would not have known that I had an incompetent cervix. If we had not been made aware of this diagnosis after she was born we would have had another loss in the second trimester for sure. Cole and Clay are here only because Braelyn came first. While I would never go back and choose this path, I am very much aware that these exact boys would not be mine had she been born at full term and healthy. I am choosing to be grateful for what I have now. I know that I will see Braelyn again some day, but until then these little boys deserve all of my love and time. Today I can say I am the happiest I've ever been in life. Thank you baby Brae for all of this!
(www.carlymarieprojectheal.com)
I truly believe the legacy that Braelyn left behind was her two little brothers. Had it not been for her, we would not have known that I had an incompetent cervix. If we had not been made aware of this diagnosis after she was born we would have had another loss in the second trimester for sure. Cole and Clay are here only because Braelyn came first. While I would never go back and choose this path, I am very much aware that these exact boys would not be mine had she been born at full term and healthy. I am choosing to be grateful for what I have now. I know that I will see Braelyn again some day, but until then these little boys deserve all of my love and time. Today I can say I am the happiest I've ever been in life. Thank you baby Brae for all of this!
(www.carlymarieprojectheal.com)
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Capture Your Grief: Day 3
Day 3: Myths
There are so many myths when it comes to grief. The three that I wanted to focus on are below.
Myth 1: You are young, at least you can have another baby. I heard this a few times after losing Braelyn. What people did not realize is that I really wasn't sure if I could have another baby or not. Braelyn was an IVF baby, which means that we already had trouble conceiving...and now I had trouble carrying a baby to full term too. Double whammy. I think this statement was a way of people saying don't worry, you'll have another baby and then forget the pain you feel from losing this one. Not true. Even though I have gone on over the last few years to have two beautiful baby boys, I still miss my daughter every day.
Myth 2: Friends will always be there for you in tough times. I found from my experience that the people who I thought would be there for me were actually the ones who became distant. I'm sure my life was now very hard for them to comprehend. And it was probably awkward and heavy to talk about the death of my child. It made me sad to think that if one of my friends experienced something hard, I knew I would make an effort to be there to support them, but they were not doing the same for me. The good that came out of this is that I made new friends. Ones who I would not have expected to come forward and be there for me. Friends who are still by my side today, even after 3 years have come and gone.
Myth 3: People saying things like "at least you can get a full nights rest because you don't have to get up in the middle of the night", "at least you don't have to listen to a whining toddler all day", or "at least you don't have to deal with a sick kid." There were more sayings than just these...but all were equally bad in my mind. I would have given anything in this world to be up six times in the middle of the night feeding my baby. I would have given anything in the world to have a toddler who whined all day. I would have given anything in the world to stay home from work with a sick child. I had a very hard time tolerating people around me complaining about their kids when I couldn't have the one thing I wanted so badly, my daughter. It's funny to me how such complaints seem to almost be small talk for a lot of parents, but how deeply those words can cut someone who has lost a child. I know that I am a more compassionate person after losing Braelyn. I do watch what words are coming out of my mouth when it comes to my children. I always remember that you are not guaranteed any amount of days here on Earth and I want to make the best of each day with my children.
www.carlymarieprojectheal.com
There are so many myths when it comes to grief. The three that I wanted to focus on are below.
Myth 1: You are young, at least you can have another baby. I heard this a few times after losing Braelyn. What people did not realize is that I really wasn't sure if I could have another baby or not. Braelyn was an IVF baby, which means that we already had trouble conceiving...and now I had trouble carrying a baby to full term too. Double whammy. I think this statement was a way of people saying don't worry, you'll have another baby and then forget the pain you feel from losing this one. Not true. Even though I have gone on over the last few years to have two beautiful baby boys, I still miss my daughter every day.
Myth 2: Friends will always be there for you in tough times. I found from my experience that the people who I thought would be there for me were actually the ones who became distant. I'm sure my life was now very hard for them to comprehend. And it was probably awkward and heavy to talk about the death of my child. It made me sad to think that if one of my friends experienced something hard, I knew I would make an effort to be there to support them, but they were not doing the same for me. The good that came out of this is that I made new friends. Ones who I would not have expected to come forward and be there for me. Friends who are still by my side today, even after 3 years have come and gone.
Myth 3: People saying things like "at least you can get a full nights rest because you don't have to get up in the middle of the night", "at least you don't have to listen to a whining toddler all day", or "at least you don't have to deal with a sick kid." There were more sayings than just these...but all were equally bad in my mind. I would have given anything in this world to be up six times in the middle of the night feeding my baby. I would have given anything in the world to have a toddler who whined all day. I would have given anything in the world to stay home from work with a sick child. I had a very hard time tolerating people around me complaining about their kids when I couldn't have the one thing I wanted so badly, my daughter. It's funny to me how such complaints seem to almost be small talk for a lot of parents, but how deeply those words can cut someone who has lost a child. I know that I am a more compassionate person after losing Braelyn. I do watch what words are coming out of my mouth when it comes to my children. I always remember that you are not guaranteed any amount of days here on Earth and I want to make the best of each day with my children.
www.carlymarieprojectheal.com
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)